Me and My Friend Gina (pronounced JY-nah)

This post is not for the faint of heart... nor the faint of vajayjay, "my little flower", chomito (cho-MEE-toh), muffwich, coochie, love canal or hoo-hah. (Feel free to submit your own euphemisms at will... I believe our family is the only one to use "chomito" so please be sure to cite your source if you decide to start using this one.) As an added bonus, I highly encourage you to play, "Find the Hidden Innuendos" as you read today's entry.

This is uncharted territory, at least in my blog, to talk about what's going on "downstairs". As you my faithful readers recall, or at least the one or two people who happened to drop by and comment, I had to have emergency surgery to stop hemorraging from a blown fallopian tube (ruptured ectopic pregnancy) in the wee hours of June 25th.

My first post-op appointment was this last Tuesday. It was nice to see that Dr. N didn't recognize me: "You look TERRIFIC! Nothing like you did when I saw you before surgery." I must have looked really bad; I guess losing a liter or so of blood will do that to you. So, we had the standard "How Are You Feeling?/Stay Off of Your Feet/See you in 1 Month" talk. Just to be sure that I would be covered to go back to karate and work, I asked for a release:

Notice, I'm not allowed to return to "full duty" until August 6th... That's forever in busy teacher/mom/person time!

When I go back for my post-post op visit on August 4th, my daughter's birthday, I need to have some decisions made. Notice I didn't say "we"... Since I've been flirting with danger lately, yes, some tomatoes can be lethal and I refuse to stop running with scissors, I'd like for S. to have some options should I meet my untimely demise via some strange dishwasher/toaster oven accident. (He has already asked for my blessing to re-marry should that happen; His added hubby/daddy duties have kept him a bit more busy than usual and has made him more appreciative of me.) Anyway, look at the old fogeys like Hugh Hefner and Regis Philbin; those fertile whores! I'm not saying it's easy for those older swimmers to get up there but they've got potential.

Basically, Dr. N made it clear: I should never get pregnant again due to the high risk involved. I could conceive if I wanted to, but to do so would really be stupid. Thus, I have to refrain from the horizontal mambo, the old slap 'n tickle, shag-a-rama, or (insert your euphemism here) for at least another month or two. If I calculate correctly, MOST women (at least 51%) would welcome this circumstance, not having intercourse. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I promise to get back to this topic in a sec, please continue reading and get through the medical stuff first... Wink, wink!

What's great about 21st century medicine are the options that are available for birth control. Some of you who know I'm Catholic will immediately see the contradiction in this situation... Let me backtrack and clarify. After the birth of our first daughter, we signed up for and completed NFP (sympto-thermal) training. No, this is NOT the "rhythm method". It's a bit more complicated than than. Our second child was planned to the month, believe it or not. The difficulty with this method is that now that I've been peri-menopausal for the last few years, my "sympto-thermal" stuff is off. It sucks getting old.

Here's the hard part: In order to stay healthy, I have to trade in my fertility, permanently, for sex. If you're a man, LOL, I already know what you're thinking, what's there to question? Sex is the winner! But for me, the thought of never, ever being able to have another child is incredibly scary, but so is having sex and getting pregnant. Oh, the horror of it all! Hump or Death? Hump or Death? Hump or Death? It's Motherhood vs. Me.

The whole idea of having to deliberate this decision almost seems silly, right? Basically, the best choice for me is to have some type of clamp or spring implanted to block off my remaining tube. (My other choice is a mostly progesterone-based pill, not 100% effective, and I'm too high risk for the new "plastic/med" based IUD.)

Maybe it's because I'm so tired of having to have my lady-parts messed with again. (I went through a miscarriage the summer of 2005; I stopped going to a particular OB/GYN practice because of the non-chalant attidude of the PA that was assigned to me during that ordeal.) Basically, I'm looking at a day surgery situation with more discomfort. Oh, joy.

Okay, I promised the sex talk. This "abstinence" crap is for the birds! If you hadn't noticed, the blog description mentions that I'm "40'ish"... Ladies, just you wait. When you get there, be sure to embrace the new found "sexiness" that will hit you, and it WILL hit you hard! Just a piece of advice for any of you younger ladies out there, that means 20'ish and above, preferably married or in a monogamous situation, get to know and be very comfortable with yourself! Men, if you want a crazy, mid-life wife, be gentle and encouraging. It's been a long, hard journey to get to where I am. Thus, the dilemma. Raging hormones and attitude but no sex. No sex until I've been "fixed". Need to go through mental/physical pain as part of the procedure of permanent sterilization. Yeah, it sucks getting old.

Sex isn't everything but I'd say almost... My friend Gina is very important to me. She's that connection between my own sexuality and womanhood and the miracle of procreation. She reinforces the concept of immortality through my progeny. Even though I'm not planning on sending Gina away anywhere, I guess I just need to get over fears and give my fertility a permanent vacation.