Timing Is Everything

This year I discovered that I was a “Fire Horse Woman”; I’m not one to believe in astrology, but thought it was interesting enough to research. Basically, author Janis Cortese has this to say:

“Fire Horse women are called dangerous, headstrong, and are seen as deadly to men. This may sound quaint to western ears, but the 1906 Japanese herd was subjected to poverty and starvation because they could not marry… Fire Horses are seen as outgoing, people-loving, ambitious, rebellious, and independent. They are supposedly freedom-loving and impossible to contain… While ambition and independence are prized as ingredients for success nowadays, they were never seen as ideal female qualities.”

So I guess timing is everything… Had I been born almost 100 years ago, I’d be pretty much screwed. (As a petite woman, I have to giggle to myself thinking that I could be devastating or harmful to a man in any way, shape, or form.)

Cortese continues:
“These all sound like perfectly fine qualities to the westerner, especially to Americans, since our culture prizes individualism, but in other societies, these are not necessarily good qualities. They are especially disliked in women; wives are supposed to be submissive and dependent, not ambitious or headstrong, and that belief is not uncommon in Western cultures, either.”

Therein lies the problem… Ambitious and headstrong. I’ve always been one to go after what I want and to make things happen to reach my goals. In some cases, this is not always the most prudent thing to do.

I would love to learn how to still my mind and to be accepting of what is… Compared to many folks out there, my life is great. The mistake I make is wanting more and thinking that it would be the solution to the yearning and unrest I feel inside. But, to be honest, I’ve felt this ache before and know that no good comes from it.

Unlike real horses, hinoeuma women cannot jump the fence and leave everything behind. Breathe and be still…

All I could say was, "D-A-M-N woman!!"

Okay, I’ll admit it; I’m vain and concerned about hitting the mid-century mark. Although it’s still about 8 ½ years away, knowing how quickly time files, it lurks like a crack head scoping out an easy house. (Strangely enough, I actually saw someone that looked like a crack head walking down the street carrying a large, “analog” computer monitor a couple of days ago. Calling the non-emergency law enforcement number didn’t seem to make much of a difference… So much for the neighborhood watch here in “God-forsaken Copper Basin”.)

Having a few minutes to myself as the hubby/children are out picking up our latest acquisition, a ball snake, I delighted in looking up “trash”… My secret, little pleasure? Go Fug Yourself: Where Fugly is the New Pretty. It’s amazing. No matter how rich, famous, and beautiful you may be, you cannot pull off wearing a Hefty trash bag with cowboy boots and a tiara and call it haute couture.

Looking at pics, grateful that I don’t have the money to buy overpriced crap, yeah right, I stumbled onto this:

OMG! Ms. Mirren is a hot senior citizen... Maybe there’s still hope for me in the next 20 years or so, but who's really counting!??

BTW, Helen Mirren won the Oscar in 2006, looking like this:

Dame Helen Mirren will be 63 years old in four days! (She was born July 26, 1945; please correct my math if I’m wrong!) Very impressive, no??

Thankfully for us mid-aged women, there's no shame in moving along from "hot babe", to "hot mom", to "hot grandma"... How oxymoronic! :-)

In a Saucy Mood...

Call me moody... I think the last couple of posts were so morose. How about some levity in the form of "Hunk-fest"??

One of my girlfriends from school and I were discussing movies the other day and we came up with our Top Hunks. There is actually no preferred order, but if any of them came up to me and asked me to run away with him, I doubt I'd say no, LOL.

1. "Big Ben" Roethlisberger

Ben is one reason I've become more of an avid Steelers fan. Ben was able to take the initiative and lead his team to a Super Bowl win very early in his career.

I know he's not a movie star but there is no way I could leave him off of this distinguished list. (Like I really have influence on pop/sports culture.)

2. "Gorgeous George" Clooney
Be still my beating heart! There has never been an actor with so much talent, good looks, and heart... I thinks he's pretty smart, too.

Dr. Doug Ross was the reason I was a faithful ER viewer. Although I did manage to watch for a couple more seasons, it wasn't the same without him... Even if he could be a jerk!

3. Johnny "Delish" Depp

He's up there with Clooney... talent, brains, and looks. I love his quirkiness and willingness to act outside of the box.

Although I particularly like this polished version of Depp, he still pretty attractive when he's unshaven, long-haired, and wild looking. No complaints here.

4. Jeremy Piven

I think The Gap made a wise decision when they chose him for this photo shoot.

If you aren't too familiar with Jeremy, revisit "Very Bad Things". (He's the guy that accidentally kills the prostitute in the hotel bathroom.)

Just a bit of trivia: On "Seinfeld", he was the actor that read for the part of "George Costanza" when they got their own show about nothing.

Honorable Mention: Shia LaBeouf

I'm not a cougar, but if I were about 20 years younger, Shia would be closer to the top of my list.

It took a double-take to realize that this was the dorky kid from "Even Stevens". Thank goodness he's grown into a handsome young man... He could have ended up like Dustin "Screech" Diamond, how sad!!

Although this is all in vain, feel free to hook me up if you know any of these fine gents... Just give me enough time to find a sitter and come up with an alibi.

One Evening at a Time...

Looking at the clock, it’s only 6:17… How am I going to keep sane tonight? As always, I was doing a lot of thinking about my life and wondering if this (my life & my marriage) is really all there is. Even before we started dating, my husband had always worked graveyard, 12-hour shifts. There was even an occasion that he was sent out of state for a couple of months. Tonight is even more upsetting than most, I don’t know why, so I decided to write and see if I could figure out why in the hell I’m feeling this devastated.

In the past, I’ve always joked that his work situation has actually been the reason we’ve stayed married. Not too much “smothering” and someone to look forward to seeing every four days or so. Lately, it just seems as if it’s taking its’ toll. I hate admitting that I’m human and this loneliness is beginning to frustrate the hell out of me. I’ve know women in this same situation that have resorted to having an affair, anything to fill that void, I guess. If I didn’t care so much, or maybe just a bit more selfish, I probably would have already done so by now.

The vulnerability I’m feeling right now has me stumped as well… My recovery from the surgery has been fine other than the fact that I hate not being able to give 110% physically. Being on doctor’s orders to rest has brought to light the fact that I was actually a lot more active before the surgery than I thought. Having to opt out of belt testing this weekend doesn’t help either, but at least I’ll be able to do the make-up in August.

I’m also trying to maintain my composure as I type this… I wonder how many times my girls have looked and me and thought, “My mother’s crazy… sometimes she just cries.” What kind of example am I setting for them? Do they see me as strong, willing to put up with this part-time, single mom lifestyle because I promised my husband “until death do us part” or am just too weak to do anything else?

The lyrics of “Soul Mate” by Natasha Bedingfield comes to mind:
“Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,
If there's a soul mate for everyone?”

How is it that I’m not alone, but oh, so lonely right now??

Okay, this is more food for thought, no pun intended… I kid you not, I just opened my fortune cookie from dinner and found this:
Lord knows I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I can't demand that my husband work days without leaving his job. As a matter of fact, he had his name added to "The List" to move to day shift when my oldest was born, almost 8 years ago. He's actually at the top of it now... It'll mean a cut in pay (about -15%), but I see it as being worth every dollar. (This technology company is world famous, you've seen their commercials. Leaving the company is out of the question, especially with this economy.)


I refuse to believe that my well is dried up... But my heart is breaking; maybe a leak?? I want someone to tuck in my girls at night with me and then enjoy some quiet together time as lovers. I would give anything to be held right now, to be told that I could rest easy tonight and not have to go to bed alone. Is that what "Normal" couples do or am I just asking for too much?

It's now 7:34... only 11 more hours to go.

Whatever Happened to “What’s His Name”??

Okay, I’m full of it... “He” has a name. I’ll go ahead and call him by his first name: Bert. My friend and I were looking at high school yearbooks last week and we happened to move onto the topic of our first loves. Not really sure about love at first sight, there's usually a look, something said, or not said, or even just a smile that gets my attention. (Most Aquarians are friends first… Love comes MUCH later.) I don’t want to say that there were many suitors, but there have been a few that I had to really stay away from due to the fact that they moved too quickly, were too possessive, or just needed too much. Being Hispanic I can say this, or can I? I hated dating within my own race because most of the boys I grew up with were “mama’s boys” and, just like their dads, very controlling and planning for the ten or twelve kids they wanted you to pop out. No thanks! My plans had always included going to college, not having kids until I was in my 30’s, and getting out of Lubbock, Texas. Since I’ve done all three, I guess I followed through pretty well.

In high school, I really didn’t fit into any one crowd; I actually enjoyed hanging out with peeps from the band, the tennis team, the journalism crowd, the “punks”, and mostly with the orchestra geeks… I was one of them. When I try, I can’t really remember when I first noticed Bert. (I won't give you his last name as it is Jewish and you could definitely find him if you did a Google search.) He was a year ahead of me and was a viola player in the orchestra when I got to Lubbock High School in ’82 as a sophomore. (Freshmen attended junior high, very strange.) There was nothing really remarkable about his appearance. I thought he had very brown, but thoughtful eyes. What I do really remember was the fact that he had an incredible sense of humor: very dry, witty, nothing outrageous, intelligent. He was very unlike many of the other kids I knew. Although not too concerned with how he dressed, Bert wasn’t a slob… Generally, a pair of Lee jeans, a tee, and a button up shirt, oh, of course, his trademark brown leather “Ivy” cap. Overall, on the cuteness scale, I’d give him about an 8.5.

Poor guy, I crushed on him for years. He actually took me to his senior prom in ’84, but by that next year, he was living in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, failing out of UT Arlington, if I recall correctly. Bert actually moved back home a couple of times, either living with his mom and sis, or with our mutual friend Kevin. During the 4 to 5 years we pseudo-dated, there were many drunken conversations… He admitted that he was “emotionally retarded” and I knew that I was scared to death of being in a serious relationship, never mind how badly I wanted to commit to him. We never had sex, we were both too scared and stupid, and we only stole a few kisses here and there. Not to say that I didn’t have a few boyfriends during this time. The majority of those relationships were out of “convenience”… At least I was going out to football games, dances, parties, having a good time and not looking too much like a nerd.

Right after high school, I got into my first serious relationship. Soon thereafter, Bert joined the Air Force. I’m not sure exactly precipitated this decision, but I’m sure a lot of it had to do with his father and growing up the son of retired AF. (Dr.R was a jerk to his son and his family. On prom night, I remember him making some smart ass comment about Bert and I having ham and cheese sandwiches, knowing full and well that his son had saved and scrimped to make sure we had the best of everything that night.)
Once that relationship ended, I had Bert on the brain again and tracked him at Eglin AFB in Florida. The one thing I remember about that call was that he was absolutely floored to hear from me. “Oh, you just made my night… No, my life”!

We ended up with the same cycle of wanting each other but not knowing how to approach the subject and situation. Basically, it came down to us calling each other when we had a little too much to drink and talking about how we should have done things differently in high school. A couple of times, his best friend would call me and tell me how much Bert really missed me and that I needed to go out there. His buddies on base even tried persuading me by offering to buy my plane ticket out there. One time, Bert even broke down himself and asked me to go. I just never had the nerve.

After his return from his tour in Panama, Bert decided to visit Lubbock, although he hated the town with a passion. I had a party with some friends from high school and a couple of days later, he took off to DFW to see some old friends. This time, he convinced me to meet him there so we could hang out before he had to return to Florida. I flew out and the time we spent together flew. Once again, we never “consummated” our relationship and again, I was crushed that he was once again out of my life.

Like the time after high school, I began another serious relationship, and after dating the idiot for five years on-and-off, we ended up eloping in Vegas. There were so many things that were WRONG about that marriage. Just the fact that we couldn’t stay together steadily for five years preceding the marriage, should have been the biggest clue that it was not meant to be. (Fortunately, we didn’t have children so ripping off that band-aid was very easy.)

I still think about Bert sometimes. Not wondering what could have been, but hoping that he eventually found some peace and happiness in his life. He truly deserves it. As for me, it took lots and lots of work to finally become healthy enough to have a decent marriage… In ways it’s not perfect, but is a work in progress.

Me and My Friend Gina (pronounced JY-nah)

This post is not for the faint of heart... nor the faint of vajayjay, "my little flower", chomito (cho-MEE-toh), muffwich, coochie, love canal or hoo-hah. (Feel free to submit your own euphemisms at will... I believe our family is the only one to use "chomito" so please be sure to cite your source if you decide to start using this one.) As an added bonus, I highly encourage you to play, "Find the Hidden Innuendos" as you read today's entry.

This is uncharted territory, at least in my blog, to talk about what's going on "downstairs". As you my faithful readers recall, or at least the one or two people who happened to drop by and comment, I had to have emergency surgery to stop hemorraging from a blown fallopian tube (ruptured ectopic pregnancy) in the wee hours of June 25th.

My first post-op appointment was this last Tuesday. It was nice to see that Dr. N didn't recognize me: "You look TERRIFIC! Nothing like you did when I saw you before surgery." I must have looked really bad; I guess losing a liter or so of blood will do that to you. So, we had the standard "How Are You Feeling?/Stay Off of Your Feet/See you in 1 Month" talk. Just to be sure that I would be covered to go back to karate and work, I asked for a release:

Notice, I'm not allowed to return to "full duty" until August 6th... That's forever in busy teacher/mom/person time!

When I go back for my post-post op visit on August 4th, my daughter's birthday, I need to have some decisions made. Notice I didn't say "we"... Since I've been flirting with danger lately, yes, some tomatoes can be lethal and I refuse to stop running with scissors, I'd like for S. to have some options should I meet my untimely demise via some strange dishwasher/toaster oven accident. (He has already asked for my blessing to re-marry should that happen; His added hubby/daddy duties have kept him a bit more busy than usual and has made him more appreciative of me.) Anyway, look at the old fogeys like Hugh Hefner and Regis Philbin; those fertile whores! I'm not saying it's easy for those older swimmers to get up there but they've got potential.

Basically, Dr. N made it clear: I should never get pregnant again due to the high risk involved. I could conceive if I wanted to, but to do so would really be stupid. Thus, I have to refrain from the horizontal mambo, the old slap 'n tickle, shag-a-rama, or (insert your euphemism here) for at least another month or two. If I calculate correctly, MOST women (at least 51%) would welcome this circumstance, not having intercourse. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I promise to get back to this topic in a sec, please continue reading and get through the medical stuff first... Wink, wink!

What's great about 21st century medicine are the options that are available for birth control. Some of you who know I'm Catholic will immediately see the contradiction in this situation... Let me backtrack and clarify. After the birth of our first daughter, we signed up for and completed NFP (sympto-thermal) training. No, this is NOT the "rhythm method". It's a bit more complicated than than. Our second child was planned to the month, believe it or not. The difficulty with this method is that now that I've been peri-menopausal for the last few years, my "sympto-thermal" stuff is off. It sucks getting old.

Here's the hard part: In order to stay healthy, I have to trade in my fertility, permanently, for sex. If you're a man, LOL, I already know what you're thinking, what's there to question? Sex is the winner! But for me, the thought of never, ever being able to have another child is incredibly scary, but so is having sex and getting pregnant. Oh, the horror of it all! Hump or Death? Hump or Death? Hump or Death? It's Motherhood vs. Me.

The whole idea of having to deliberate this decision almost seems silly, right? Basically, the best choice for me is to have some type of clamp or spring implanted to block off my remaining tube. (My other choice is a mostly progesterone-based pill, not 100% effective, and I'm too high risk for the new "plastic/med" based IUD.)

Maybe it's because I'm so tired of having to have my lady-parts messed with again. (I went through a miscarriage the summer of 2005; I stopped going to a particular OB/GYN practice because of the non-chalant attidude of the PA that was assigned to me during that ordeal.) Basically, I'm looking at a day surgery situation with more discomfort. Oh, joy.

Okay, I promised the sex talk. This "abstinence" crap is for the birds! If you hadn't noticed, the blog description mentions that I'm "40'ish"... Ladies, just you wait. When you get there, be sure to embrace the new found "sexiness" that will hit you, and it WILL hit you hard! Just a piece of advice for any of you younger ladies out there, that means 20'ish and above, preferably married or in a monogamous situation, get to know and be very comfortable with yourself! Men, if you want a crazy, mid-life wife, be gentle and encouraging. It's been a long, hard journey to get to where I am. Thus, the dilemma. Raging hormones and attitude but no sex. No sex until I've been "fixed". Need to go through mental/physical pain as part of the procedure of permanent sterilization. Yeah, it sucks getting old.

Sex isn't everything but I'd say almost... My friend Gina is very important to me. She's that connection between my own sexuality and womanhood and the miracle of procreation. She reinforces the concept of immortality through my progeny. Even though I'm not planning on sending Gina away anywhere, I guess I just need to get over fears and give my fertility a permanent vacation.

B-O-R-E-D!!!

I found a "celebrity look-alike" program so I thought I'd throw myself and the girls in. It's free so it's worth checking out for a giggle or two.

Me, the oldest one - I guess looking like MTM isn't bad as long as it isn't one of her most recent pics. As far as Lucy Liu, I ran a couple of other pics, and I matched several Asian actresses, many whom I've never heard of. When I worked graveyard at the post office during college, this one supervisor used to swear I was half-Japanese. Maybe I need to get my mom drunk and give her the 3rd degree.

Kait - Now, I don't know who the heck this Meredith Monroe person is but if I had a dollar for every time someone commented on how much Kait looked like "Mary Kate & Ashley" when she was a baby, we'd be almost as rich as they are. As far as Ms. Reid (click at your own peril) goes, if my daughter ever decides to follow in her footsteps, I WILL have her general "hoo-hah" area barracaded by a steel chastity belt and keep all plastic surgeons at least a 100-mile radius out of reach. Lisa Kudrow graduated with a BS in Biology, so I'm good with that.

Mel: I don't see us having problems with boys when it comes to Mel... She never stops talking; I've noticed that members of the male persuasion don't like that. Being really bossy doesn't help much either. But she looks so S-W-E-E-T!

Mel has also done really well in Kenpo... Like I said before, boys won't be a problem unless she allows it.

As far as celebs go, I'm really surprised that Meg Ryan didn't come up. There are times that she smiles and it really comes out.

Anyway, if you happen to catch this post and do your own celebrity match, send me your pics, I'd love to see them!

Ciao for now,

Mon :-)

Unhappy Birthday, America! (NOT!)

I was going to post the article that can be accessed by clicking on today's title, "Unhappy Birthday, America!", but found that SOME of it wasn't worth the space it would have taken up.

Basically, members from the Arizona Optimist Club got together to celebrate the 4th and ended up bitching about the state of affairs here in the good ol' US of A. (I think the reporter made them do it.)
In case you haven't noticed how things have been going, here are the latest stats based on public opinion:IMHO, I think optimism is all a matter of perspective. (Duh!) No really.

You know, the "glass was half-empty before it got knocked over, tumbled onto the tile floor, and shattered into a million tiny pieces"? Pieces so tiny that SOMEONE here in my home, most likely my husband, will actually step on it, LOL??

Rest assured, towards the end of the interview, I think someone came by, bitch-slapped them and they got back on track. God Bless America!!

And now my photo essay:

"Why We Need to Get More Optimists to Spread the Word"

aka "Things Really Aren't As Bad As They Seem"

(based on quotes from the article)

Photo #1: "My God, it's horrible, it really is," a 33-year-old (farmer) says, adding: "If diesel goes north of five, it will be really difficult at the price we're getting to stay in farming."

Photo #2: "We used to have more money than we knew what to do with. Now, I have to decide: Do I pay the electric this week? Do I pay for gas? Do I get groceries?"
Photo #3: "You can't get ahead. You can't save money. You can't buy a house. It just stinks."
Photo #4: "You have no faith in anybody at the top. I don't trust anybody, and I'm really disgusted about it."

Photo #5: "How am I, a little old West Virginia girl, going to go out and change the world?"

And here comes the infamous bitchslap...

Photo #6: ...condemns an "out of style" values system, in which even kids have cell phones, credit card debt is out of control and families purchase four-bedroom homes they can't afford instead of the two-bedroom ones they could. (Also read as, "Many times we create our own problems."

Photo #7: "Very few Americans wake up in the morning and say, 'This is an unbelievable country. I'm going to go to the supermarket, and there's going to be food. When I go and vote, nobody's going to beat me up,'" he says. "We're horrible at appreciating the status quo. We're really good at appreciating positive changes."

Photo #8: "Did I cringe when I filled my car last week? Yes," she says. "But 100 years from now, if I were still alive, would I really care that I paid $4 a gallon for gas? No. I care (that) my grandbaby is safe and she's well and she has a good place to live. Your joy can't be about your circumstances."

So there you go... Hope you had a safe and happy holiday! Remember to hug your kids, the spouse, your dogs, lizard, and friends. I did...

Love and life in the USA is awesome!

I Heart Dave...

I've always had an eclectic taste in music... other than country, I listen to just about everything that has a great "hook", melody, or vocals. (When cleaning the house, "Siriusly Sinatra" is an absolute must!) Reluctantly I must admit that I really like Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift. Maybe my Zoloft needs to be upped, LOL.

Having always listened to metal, Megadeth has got to be one of my favorite bands. I've seen Dave Mustaine at least three times and actually got to meet him backstage once. (He was part of a promotion to help out our local food bank; donate x cans of food, get a pass.) What I'll always remember is that he asked what I did and told him that I was finishing up student teaching. During his heartfelt hug, he wished me luck, "God bless you for being a teacher! We need more people like you in the world." Blush!

Still recovering from last week's surgery, I happened to find Mel Brook's "History of the World - Part I" on the tube. There are so many hilarious one-liners I can't even begin... And now you're wondering, "What the hell does this have to do with Dave Mustaine????"

If you remember, in the French Revolution section of the film, Cloris Leachman plays Madame Defarge. Blame it on late night stupor, I swear Madame D and Dave could have been separated at birth.I rest my case...

"Taekwondo Changed My Life" Says Megadeth Leader Dave Mustaine
Written by TheSeoul Times
Sunday, 28 October 2007
U.S. "legendary" thrash metal band Megadeth leader Dave Mustaine says that his life has changed for the better mainly thanks to taekwondo.
Members of the legendary U.S. thrash band in taekwondo uniform are in taekwondo motion, shortly afrter Megadeth leader Dave Mustaine (second from left) received a certificate of appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador in a ceremony at a Seoul hotel on Oct. 27, 2007.
"Taekwondo is a great discipline. For me, it was one of the things that changed my life," Mustaine said in a recent interview. "It (taekwondo) helped me to eliminate a bad lifestyle of drug and alcoholism. It helped me to believe inside of myself and find the strength inside of myself that I never knew that I possessed."
Mustaine made the remarks at the Grand InterContinental Hotel in Seoul on Oct. 27, 2007, shortly after he received a certificate of appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador of the World in a ceremony.
Mustaine and three other Megadeth band members – bassist James LoMenzo, guitarist Glen Drover and his brother Shawn Drover - arrived in Seoul on Oct. 27 for their concert at the Olympic Hall of Olympic Park in Seoul on Oct. 28. For Megadeth, it was their fourth concert for Korean fans.
"For me, it is a big responsibility and I am going to represent the WTF the best I can," Mustaine said of his appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador. "I am really excited to be the WTF Goodwill Ambassador."
Mustaine said that taekwondo is "the source of his confidence in his life."
He is a 1st Dan black-belt holder.
He said, "I know that there are a lot of young people around the world that look up to me and I think this is a great discipline."
Mustaine said he started training taekwondo in 1999 in Arizona and then moved to California, where he now lives. "Before taking up taekwondo, I practiced kungfu and other martial arts."
As a pioneer of the American thrash metal movement, Megadeth rose to international fame in the mid 1980s, but was plagued by constant lineup changes, partly due to Mustaine's and fellow band members' notorious substance abuse problems. After finding sobriety and securing a stable lineup, Megadeth went on to release a string of platinum and gold albums between 1986 and 1997.
Megadeth disbanded in 2002 after Mustaine suffered a severe nerve injury to his left arm. After 17 months of extensive physical therapy and intensive taekwondo training, Mustaine reorganized the band in 2004.

Personality by Horoscope... Because it's on the Internet, you know it's gotta be true.

CAPRICORN (December 22 -January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pieces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.

ARIES (March 2 - April 20) You are the pioneer and hold most of people in contempt. You are quick tempered and impatient and scornful of advice. You are an asshat.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a G-D Communist.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth sh**.

LEO (July 24 - August 23) You consider yourself a born leader, Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting; Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (August 24 - September 23) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23) You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent, because most Libra women are whores. All Libras usually get venereal disease.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting f*****.