Oh yes, I have a blog...

Just to get up to speed, I'll respond to the issues I mentioned in my last post.
Here goes!!!!

"Most of this journey began January 2005. I decided to make a career change, to leave teaching for good."
Okay, I meant for a good year or so, lol. On a whim, I turned in an application with the local school district. I hadn't gotten good vibes from the few interviews I had been on already and figured what the heck. I turned in my file on a Monday and was hired on Wednesday; school started the Monday after that - July24th. (CUSD is on an extended-year schedule... Cool! We get two weeks off in the fall, winter, and spring... SWWWEEET!) I was a "late hire" as this class was just added at the last minute and I missed all of the New-to-District orientation. I'm making those classes up on evenings and weekends.

"Lucky for me, I have a great husband, the kind that Dr. Phil describes as 'providing a soft place to land'. (I must really be great in bed because I’ve yet to figure out how he puts up with my constant insecurities.)"
Generally I don't worry about what other people think about me or the decisions I make. Hubby was kind of leery about the whole thing but I pointed out one major difference. I needed to find out if teaching had burned me out or if I was the "situation" that I was in before. I've been teaching my 6th grade gifted class for over 1 month now and can honestly say that I needed a new, supportive environment. I don't cry on the drive to work anymore. :-)

"There’s a nagging feeling that I never got the chance to really prove myself."
I'm feeling challenge and success. Great professional adminstration and supportive parents. I don't even dare "wait for the other shoe to drop". It is what it is. Teaching is still lots of work, I spent the first few weeks putting in over 50 hours, but it's getting better everyday. I've found my routine, the kids are having a blast, and my family is happier too.

"My evaluations were glowing and positive."
I just got another one... finally!!!

Oh yes, one more thing... what folder???

I'll post again soon!

Peace,
Mon :-)

Letting go of the past...

Most of this journey began January 2005. I decided to make a career change, to leave teaching for good. On http://www.assessment.com/, the field of financial advising turned out to be one of my top professions. So, for the last month and a half, I’ve been through a rigorous hiring process with a well-known investment company. (Let’s just call them “EJ”.) FBI background and credit checks; all I lack is a blood and/or urine sample. I’m sure they’ll be asking for that soon enough. Well, until now…

The past several weeks has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and decisions-to-be-made. Lucky for me, I have a great husband, the kind that Dr. Phil describes as “providing a soft place to land”. (I must really be great in bed because I’ve yet to figure out how he puts up with my constant insecurities.) After about a week of waiting for EJ to call back for the next step in the HR dance, I was getting antsy. One morning while fighting back tears, I sighed that I felt as if this was my last chance to get it right. Hubby just laughs and says, “You’re looking at it all wrong. Your family is your career, that doesn’t change. A job is just a job. If you quit or get laid-off, you just go out and get another one. We’re always gonna be here.” I paused to catch my breath and fight the growing lump in my throat…

Whenever a door closes, why do I feel that I have to walk through the next one trying to prove something? I’m still really bummed out about leaving “The Educational Software Company”. There’s a nagging feeling that I never got the chance to really prove myself. It’s almost as if I were invisible… especially after seeing that many of the suggestions I made earlier in the year were implemented by someone else. Let it go, Mon!

Here’s the part that kicks my ass: As I’m digging through my teacher stuff to put together a portfolio, I find IT. IT is the next hurdle that I need to get over. In my years of working for the school district in Texas, I was never happier. (Except for my first marriage; hey, nothing’s perfect.) Just like a puppy, I’m loyal and devoted as long as I’m petted and appreciated. I have my “District Employee of the Month” pics that friends sent as congrats, my “Regional Wal-Mart Teacher of the Year” and “Southwestern Bell Excellence in Teaching” crystal apple. My evaluations were glowing and positive. Any suggestions were addressed in a fair and constructive manner. I can’t say that I regret leaving… I would have never met my husband and had my awesome girls.

Back to IT… an innocuous looking file folder full of hate, lies, denigrations. A folder that almost made me literally vomit when I stumbled onto it two nights ago. I was going to post some of the vile crap but decided not to. I used to call them my ‘love letters’. Before I left New Mexico, I debated as to whether or not I needed to keep any of it. I was almost sure that some bogus lawsuit would appear out of nowhere and here would be my proof that I was a more than competent teacher. (My management philosophy is CYA aka documentation, documentation, documentation.)

The contrast of my entire career in education with the last two years I had at the Catholic school is striking. Self-doubt is something that is a constant. By the time I left, my Zoloft had been doubled, I had lost almost 20 pounds, and still second-guess myself. Worse still, I’ve seen a few of my friends go through the same emotional torture and abuse at the same cost of their health and sanity. I actually went to the local news with this story; they wanted substantial evidence, such as official documents and/or tape recordings of what was really going on. I wasn’t about to do something illegal just to get back at these people. As a matter of fact, they mentioned that I wasn’t the first person to call them regarding this school. There are still times that I try to convince myself that it really wasn’t that bad… Still trying to let it go.

So I’ve had two interviews for teaching positions, another one tomorrow. In a way, going back to teaching is almost like being back in my comfort zone. I know what to expect and what’s expected. The plus, and it’s a very nice one, I would be able to bring the girls with me to work, safe with mommy. But the self-doubt is still there. Was I really burnt out or just burnt out with the situation? I so desperately don’t want to put my family, especially my husband, through all of that again.

One last task: A friend recommended that I get rid of that folder. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I think a small bonfire would suffice. Hate is such a destructive emotion. Finally coming to grips with the layoff, seeing those letters and memos was like getting punched in the gut. It was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room, no matter how hard it tried, I couldn’t regain my composure, I couldn’t breathe. I will now try to get back up and really let it go…

I'm not dead yet...

Okay, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth but I've been remiss in keeping up with my mundane musings.

I love Monty Python (Which one is Monty?) and lately I've felt like the guy being loaded onto the "cart of death" in The Holy Grail. May 25th, coinciding with my hubby's birthday, I got my walking papers from my 'educational software' position. Unless you've ever been laid off with an extended departure date, it's pretty much a waste of time. You don't really have a part to play in meetings and other activities; most of what you have to contribute is irrelevant, or so they think. My favorite example was the meeting to go over registration for summer conference in July. Of course, I had to be a smart arse and raise my hand when the team leader asked if there was anyone that would not be able to make the "8:00 group session on Wednesday..."

Being the person I am, I'm always a step or two ahead and have a couple of options. I told a friend this morning that this situation was actually a blessing in disguise. (I have to stay positive or else I'll have to resort to behaving like a disgruntled postal worker. Why cry when you can laugh?)

And in all honesty, I’m somewhat bitter as well. I sort of martyred myself and no one at work will ever really know. When the news broke of the impending doom, I went to my manager, who is also a good friend, and told her that I wanted to bow out graciously. (Soon, the major ass-kissing and backstabbing amongst team members began; notice the irony of the word ‘team’???) I was not at all interested in the next phase of the project, cutting and pasting into a database for weeks at a time, and they would probably find me dead in my cubicle from a self-inflicted stapler wound.

Decisions were made; there were four positions eliminated. Rumors abound. Of course, I was “let go” but I noticed a certain dynamic about the other winners of this lottery. All of the people that were dismissed are married. Call me crazy… It wasn’t even a matter of who had the most experience or talent. I don’t understand it at all but now know that I choose to stay away from Corporate America. I don't regret this experience but there's a coldness that I can't seem to shake.

My friend and soon-to-be-former-boss called and invited the girls and I over for dinner tonight. I don't know what to feel. I can't imagine what it's like to have to tell someone they aren't going to make the cut. I'm also perplexed about how she made her decisions. One of the people that got the ax relocated across the country for this now-defunct position. He has a wealth of experience and is a great person to work with. I just don't get it.

This company's motto talks about transforming the lives of children and raising education to a higher level... I've been editing scripts for this final phase of production. I swear, some of these people cannot write a complete sentence. This next week is going to be long and tedious. Officially, my last day is June 30th (my daughter's birthday), but I've decided not to go past the 23rd, this next Friday. I'll definetly miss the few good friends that I've made.

That gurl needs a curl!

So I think this whole McKinney thing has gotten out of hand. She was even, dare I say, apologetic at one time. I also listened to her interview with Wolf Blitzer on CNN. (You can watch it here.) Leave it to a lawyer to muck it up and convince her to draw the gender/race card.

Just a thought... my husband works for a "chip maker" and has to scan a badge to get in and around the facility. He can't get in without it, finito! As a taxpayer, I would gladly help foot the bill for something a little more in line with 21st-century security rather than a "congressional lapel pin". (Too reminescent of the "pledge pin" in Animal House!)

Apparently, when she was not recognized, McKinney tried to bypass the checkpoint and was stopped by the Capitol Hill officer. I don't know about you but if a cop asks me to stop, I'm going to stop. If she did indeed strike the officer, as alleged, then she is in the wrong. Kudos to the officers for doing their job!

One tidbit that Wolf did mention at the end of the interview was her previous experience with officers on Capitol Hill. (Really, watch the interview!)

Reading through the Zonitics blog, I stumbled upon the upcoming pic that was released by Fox News. (Wait for it!)

Gurlfriend is having a hard time. I hope she can get everything straightened out, no pun intended.

How I Lost 7 Pounds Last Month

I've been doing my own version of Weight Watchers, with the help of a friend at work, and lost 7 pounds. Then I came back from vacation and discovered that I gained them back. At least I know how to lose them again.
The first thing I did was figure out how many "points" I was allowed per day. For quick reference, I'm 120'ish (or was) and allowed 20 points a day. Basically, if you are 150, you get 2 more points per day per 25 lb. increments. (I didn't post the chart so I'm not infringing on anything, right???)
20 points a day sucks. Based on Dottie's Weight Loss Zone, very comprehensive website including restaruants and downloads, my daily Toffee Nut Latte was costing me big, 7 points. That's without the freakin' cream cheese danish. (F***, f***, f***!) Then lunch would consist of a Sonic Jr. Burger meal with medium cherry vanilly Coke... Oh yeah! An 18 point lunch! Fageddabout dinner! If hubby was working, the girls and I would run by BK's, fast and cheap or should I say inexpensive in the monetary sense. Only 29.5 for that one meal.
But hold on to your hats!! It's very common for hubby to come home for his 8:30 p.m. lunch break and join me for a bit of ice cream or cake and a glass of 2% before my bedtime; at least another 7 to 10 there.
And there's more!! It was very common to snack during the day. Occasionally, I have been known to indulge in a candy bar from the vending machine when the mood strikes. Enough already!
I did the math for you... 61.5 points a day. THREE TIMES MY ALLOWANCE!! And of course, no exercise either. It wasn't until I noted what I was eating that it made a difference. When you see this, it isn't a lot of food. Most people would starve on my pre-WW diet.
With the help of my friend and Dottie's website, I made different food choices. I found that I'm actually eating more but making better choices. Basically, I try to eat a 5 point breakfast and lunch, and a 10 point dinner. Better still, I can do 3 or 4 points at breakfast/lunch, and a couple of snacks throughout the day. Check out Dottie's 0 and 1 point food lists!

This is what my "new" menu looks like:
Breakfast:
A large coffee with non-fat, flavored creamer (1)
One bag of Special K snack bites (2)
*A piece of fruit (1 to 2)
Mid-Morning Snack:
*Light Yogurt (1 to 2)
Lunch:
Smart Ones dinner (2 to 4)
Dole Fruit Parfait - These rock! (2)
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
*Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges, Light Original - Another fave! (1)
Low-Fat Wheat Thins - 8 crackers are 1 serving (2)
Dinner:
Pasta w/Marinara (6)
*Lettuce w/croutons, tomatoes, and light dressing (2)
Dessert:
*Blue Bunny Sweet Freedom No Sugar Added Krunch Lites (2)
Total - 28 points*
*Disclaimer - for every 20 minutes of light exercise, you get 2 points. (See next paragraph.)

When I get busy at work, I don't usually eat the fruit or yogurt. I'll have the fruit at lunch. Sometimes I substitute the Dole fruit for plain fruit cup or a WW snack cake, very delish!
Likewise with the mid-afternoon snack, if I get too busy, I skip the cheese but eat the crackers or the 1-point popcorn. At night, sometimes I skip the salad and ice cream. BTW, I've found that when I'm craving ice cream it's really a sign of thirst. I'll drink a glass of water and the craving is gone.
The other hard thing for me is the water... I'm not a freakin' camel! I try to get at least 4 to 5 glasses in but have diet soda throughout the day. (I know it's not good for you but I'm screwed if I have the fully leaded version, 3 points.)
I'm sure you get the gist of what I needed to do to make a difference. (I'm still a little over 20 a day but most days I'm 18 or 19.)
I hope this has helped. I'll be sure to post any nuggets of info I can glean.

Ciao, babes!
Mon :-)

One Catholic’s View of Holy Mass

The following is from another blog:

"Where else but church? On Friday I met a friend for a drink. There was a couple sitting next to us -- early 40s. We got talking to them, and it turns out they both go to my church. One of them actually works for the Diocese. Well, today I went to church and happened to sit down right behind the same couple. If you're Catholic, you know there's a time during the Mass when we all exchange handshakes and extend Christ's peace to one another. Today, when it was time to do that with this couple, the husband offered Christ's peace to me and said my first name, while the wife gave me a big hug and said, "It's good to see you." And she meant it.At moments like this I think to myself, "Even if religion is just something made up to help us feel less alone and afraid, it's still responsible for a lot of good." Footnote: and some bad, too, I know. The litany is familiar."

This post got me to thinking about many things; it actually clarified what I wanted to post today. The one word that struck me was litany.

Backtrack to Ash Wednesday mass; I went to a different parish. Since we’re new to the area, I’m still trying to find the right fit for me. Generally, Ash Wednesday mass, for me, is very powerful. What a beautiful and thought-provoking way to begin the Lenten season and the journey to Easter Tridiuum, and Pentecost.
The kids were in daycare and my husband was off so we were able to go before I went to work with no distractions. I was ready for a powerful lead into Lent but ended up feeling let down.
Of course, a litany is something that is “repeated” but when a Mass is said with reverence, nothing about it seems repetitious. It just didn’t hit me like it usually does. (At times I’ve been known to weep, especially since this is the one season that reminds me of my deceased grandmother; she was as Catholic as they come.)
After doing a little bit of reflection, I figured out what it was.
First: The Homily - Very vanilla. Was this off the cuff or should I say alb?
Second: Distribution of the Ashes – Different but no complaints there. Maybe because there was no music?
Third: The Consecration – Alternate wording, were there a few “liberal” suggestions thrown in? Never heard this “version” before, don’t care to ever hear it again.
Fourth: Purification of the Holy Vessels away from the altar. I can’t say without a doubt that what the priest did is “wrong” but it just didn’t seem right to me.

Just to be open-minded, I went back to this church the next Sunday. The people seemed friendly enough, maybe a little too friendly? I have never been to a noisier mass! Finally, my pet-peeve, the egregious “leaving mass right after Communion”. Is there anywhere that important that you need to leave 5 minutes earlier than everyone else; never mind the disrespect that it shows? I was disappointed that it was allowed.

The churches I’ve been to in the past had strict priests. You didn’t dare leave before Mass had officially ended, they’d point you out in front of the whole congregation. One priest back in Texas even chewed us out one time. He was really upset about our manner of dress. Father reminded some of us that we could get dressed up to party on a Saturday night but come to Mass looking as if we just rolled out of bed. (This was a poor parish but you know as well as I do there’s a difference between not having a decent outfit and looking like you’re hung-over.) Hence the saying, “A lion on the pulpit, a lamb in the confessional.”

Oh yes, the litany of the mass. There’s something comforting about the repetition. (Since I’ve been married, I look forward to the “peace be with you”. I get to hug the hubby and lay a big smackeroo on my girls. Plus, I enjoy saying hello to the people around me.)

I feel sorry for those people that complain that Mass is like a football game, sit down, stand up, rah rah rah! I’ll have to admit, it took me awhile to get it. Dare I say that I learned the significance of our rituals from my students?

As a math teacher, I always felt that the best way for a student to succeed was via multi-modal instruction. Base-ten blocks, graphs, computerized projects and games, etc. I began to see the Mass in the same way. Without the music, the incense, exchanging of greetings, lyrical quality of the Consecration prayers, and meditation after communion, makes all of the difference to me. Just as I know that kids need stability to thrive, I feel that the same stability is necessary in my spiritual life. Hmmm, maybe that’s why we have a Catechism??

I went back to one of the first churches that I visited since our move to AZ. The whole “litany” was a comfort to me. It made me think of a yogi sitting in the lotus position chanting “ohm”. They reach a state of peace as they become centered in the repetition of one little but powerful syllable. I finally made the connection that I need this repetition in my life; something predictable yet comforting.

One more thought… today the priest said that “in turning away from sin, there is pain involved”. Some of the struggles of late have been painful but like working out, it’s a good kind of pain. I appreciate Hoff’s comment that through life coaching, one begins to grow and make positive changes in their own life. I like the thought of becoming not only a role model for my potential clients but especially to my daughters. This reminds me of the other day: So sweetly while sitting on my lap, Kaitlyn caressed my face, pointing out my creases, “Mommy, you’re getting old. I don’t want you to get old ‘cause that means you have to die someday.” Epiphany: I have to die to sin so that I can assure her that when I die, we won’t be apart forever, just for a short while.

"Why don't you shut the f*** up??!!!" aka "How Not to Sucker Punch a Lady While Shopping"

So I'm at Target last night, doing some last minute St. Paddy's day shopping, and had an experience that really pissed me off. Here goes nothin'...
I picked the kids up from daycare/camp and decided that I wanted to get them cute tops for today. (Only $4 at Target!!) Seeing that their grandfather is 100% Irish, we really don't have a say in the matter. (My married last name is about as Irish as you can get!)
As we're getting out of the car, my oldest Kaitlyn (yes, that's Irish too) is tired and fussy. I know that we're only going to make it about five minutes before she falls apart.
Wrong. She becomes argumentative and I tell her if she keeps it up, she'll have to ride in the basket. (Being the precocious 5-yr-old that she is, this is as bad as telling a teenager no phone for a week.) Kaitlyn escalates and as I have been trained to do via years of teaching, if you make a threat, you'd better follow through. Into the basket she goes.
Then she starts the "I wanna get out of the basket" routine. Now the thing I must add about Kaitlyn is that I honestly forget that she is still a young child. (I hate using the word "gifted" because it adds a lot of unnecessary baggage to a kid's life.) She started writing her letters and making very detailed drawings at the age of 2. Her teacher is amazed that she is the youngest in her class (August b-day) and the most advanced. (She is doing both reading and math at about a second grade level.) Plus, I'm in denial. I don't want to think about her as gifted; I had a lonely and unhappy school experience because of it. I'm also beginning to think that she may have a touch of OCD mixed in... once she gets started with a tantrum, there's no stopping. It's almost as if she becomes obsessed with winning the argument. My husband and I are two of the most stubborn people so it becomes a real competition. (Read "Raising Your Spirited Child" and you'll know what I mean.)
Throughtout Target you can hear "I wanna get out of the basket! I'm not a baby! I wanna get out of the basket!" I'm only going in for two shirts, a quick 5 minute trip. As I'm making my way through rounders in the young girls section, an older woman with a look of "concern" on her face asks if everything is okay. I tell her that my daughter is unhappy with the consequences presented to her and she's just upset that she can't have her way.
"Well, I could hear her from the other end of the store. Are you sure that everything is okay?"
The condescending tone in her voice was like a slap in the face. I look at Kaitlyn and ask, knowing that I won't get a response, "Kaitlyn, are you okay? This lady seems to think that there's something wrong."
"I wanna get out of the basket! I wanna get out of the basket!"
"See, there's nothing wrong. She's just being a tired 5 year old."
"Well you obviously are a cruel parent. There's no reason a child should be crying like that."
"And your kids never pitched a fit?"
"No and unlike your poor daughter, I have very confident children. I don't have to use intimidation to discipline my kids."
OH NO YOU JUST DIDN'T JUST GO THERE! rang in the back of my mind. LISTEN HERE BEE-ATCH!
"Listen lady, I didn't not lay a hand or harm my daughter in a way that you are suggesting."
Lucky for her, I walk away and find the shirts I need and proceed to check-out. There's a saying that goes "Chiquita pero picante!" That's why my husband married me!
My barrio instincts kick into high gear as I notice that this "concerned woman" has followed me. I give her the look from hell and she gets in the line further down from me.
As I'm walking out, I stop my basket in front of hers:
"I don't know who you are but you have got a lot of nerve to criticise, especially wearing that gold cross around your neck. You don't know me or my background. I taught children with parents like you for over 10 years, all spoiled brats. Forgive me for teaching my child that negative actions bear consequences. It's people like you that have caused the mess we're in today!" She gives me an uncomfortable look because by this time, we've gotten the attention of customers, check-out clerks, the security guard, whatever...
I wanted to be a bigger bitch, I wanted to make her feel as bad for thinking that she had it all figured out. Was this person from another planet? I have always thought that moms were supposed to support each other. Needless to say, although I knew that I was in the right, I let her criticism knock me down and feel like the crappiest mom in the world.
Back in the truck, Kaitlyn continued her "I didn't want to ride in the basket! I didn't want to ride in the basket!" Finally, with all of the conviction in my voice that I could muster, I yelled "YOU BE QUIET! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD. SAY ANYTHING ELSE AND NO TV OR COMPUTER!" I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of negativity; I couldn't swim to the shore no matter how hard I tried. I cried as I drove home.
I don't know how much longer I can take this "pushing buttons" phase with Kaitlyn. She did it again this morning. Today was "Dollar Donut Day" at Melissa's daycare. I left Kait in the truck so she wouldn't be late for camp, our next drop-off. Getting out I asked her what kind of donut she wanted. "I don't want one."
I was in complete shock, no donut? "Are you sure?"
"No, I'm sure."
After going back to the truck, I noticed that Kaitlyn was now crying, "I wanted a donut."
Damn if that f****** switch didn't go off. I mustered to stay calm. "You just told me that you didn't want one."
"But I want one now."
"You said no and that's final." So on the way to camp, "I'm hungry, I want a donut." Calmly I reminded her that she had cereal before, snacks in her lunch bag and she would just have to deal with it.
Signing her in at camp, almost a repeat of last night. "Is everything okay? Is Kaitlyn feeling ill?" Again, the consequence explanation. I hate parenting right now. It sucks becuase I feel so incompetent at it. I feel like I might be ruining my relationship with my daughter, scarring her for life.
But then there's the epiphany... What I'm going through right now is totally applicable to what I see as my life's vocation, helping other women. (As a life coach, I'd like to work specifically with women, stay-at-home moms transitioning back into the workplace, working moms that need more balance, self-care and self-valuing, etc.)
I thought about the advice that I've given in the past and how it's so much easier said than done: If you make a threat with a child, you have to follow through; I just happen to have the one kid who likes to call my bluff.

Realization of my life’s vocation??

For the last 4 Friday’s, I’ve been working from home. It’s so much better than being “in the cube”! I work a little, clean a little… the girls are at school/daycare and the hubby is asleep. (He works a compressed week, 7 pm to 7 am.) I feel much less stressed going into the weekend and am actually feeling rested before work on Monday.
To the story… I had lunch with an acquaintance on Friday. I met L at a couple of get-togethers at my boss’s house (candle and Super Bowl parties) and decided that she was a really smart and interesting person. (I’m thinking that she feels the same; when asking for her address, she was impressed that I knew that Hemlock, the name of her street, was not just a tree but Shakespeare’s poison of choice.) Many times, I have a tendency to take over a conversation and then later on I end up feeling badly because I didn’t learn very much about the other person. My goal for the lunch was to LISTEN, not that I would be a stick in the mud, but really try to hear what was going on.
We met at a cool Mediterranean place, the Pita Jungle, replete with modern pieces of art and assorted members of the Y Gen. The waiter was tall, dark, handsome, and the food was great. (Friday being a non-meat day, I had the falafel platter. Oh SO delish!) We talked about work, relationships at work, etc. Before I knew it, we were discussing our husbands and mid-life in general. Cutting to the chase, L is going through a crisis. She’s very unhappy in her marriage and is on the brink of taking the next step, the point of no return.
She mentioned that although she was “oblivious” to it, in her words, “I must be putting something out there; I’ve been getting propositions from the guys at work.” (The division L works in is mostly men, programmers and such.) I knew that she was just kidding herself but how to get her to see that she really knew what she was doing.
I ended up offering bits of my previous life. S is actually my second husband. I was married to Joe for almost five years and lived together for the 5 years previous to that. Hindsight is only amazing if you put it to good use. I’ve got tons of experience in the dysfunctional marriage department so here goes…
Joe and I met in the late 80’s, both musicians with affection for both classical and rock music and hybrids of the two. He, a guitarist, and I a violinist, hit it off. He was funny, smart, and didn’t have any major outward flaws, i.e. drinking too much, slutty behavior, and so forth. Anyway, before long we were officially dating. It was fun. We were gigging a lot, going out with friends and partying, going to any concert that we could. I never really ever felt sexually attracted to him but went down that road anyway.
About a year into the relationship, I got into the insurance business which took me on the road on a regular basis. (I was actually pretty good at it averaging about $600 a week in commissions; not bad for a young gal in her early 20’s.) My horizons were being expanded and I decided that I wasn’t in the relationship I wanted to be in. I actually met a couple of nice guys and exchanged numbers.
On one trip home, I decided that ending the relationship with Joe would be the best thing to do. I hadn’t dated much and wanted to get out and meet other people. Joe took it badly; it’s awful seeing a grown man cry. I went ahead and pursued one of the relationships, actually taking a trip to Tulsa to meet this guy and his daughter. I dated another guy as well, turned out to be an alcoholic, poon-hound. That one ended quickly.
Before I knew it, Joe was knocking on the door, begging me to come back. It was always so strange, I’m not a trophy. Having had problems with alcohol, a dysfunctional childhood and family, chronic depression, you name it; I really don’t know what he saw in me. (Maybe because I was his first real girlfriend??) On my part, I liked Joe because he could be fun and he was much more “settled” than other guys and I could count on the fact that he wouldn’t do anything stupid like getting thrown in jail, drinking too much, or cheating on me. He was “safe”.
I get bored very easily, especially in relationships. If there isn’t an evolution going on, I start to wonder if this is all there is. After almost 10 years of waiting for him to change, I was beginning to lose my mind. Throughout that decade, I had worked on many issues through therapy (getting control of my chronic depression), gone back to school and began teaching, taken us on trips to NYC and Europe, was successfully participating in regional symphony work, playing with an eclectic acoustic guitar group at a coffeehouse, and was a founding member of the area’s best new mariachi groups. I was living my life to its fullest and enjoying it.
Joe was still Joe. He was still doing some gigging but he had the same job at the university (associate librarian) and no plans for finishing his bachelor’s degree. At home, I was the one who paid the bills, bought groceries, did laundry, and so forth. I felt as if I had become a roommate who did all of the work. His lack of “evolution” had really pissed me off and I needed out. I still wanted the American dream, a house and a family. It wasn’t going to happen at the rate we were going unless I did it myself.
Twice I tried leaving. Joe was the master of passive aggressiveness. There was always an excuse: “If you leave, you ruin our family. Our nieces and nephews will be scarred for life. Your medication must be off and you aren’t thinking clearly. We are soul mates and just going through a rough time.” By the time I had made my decision to end it once and for all, I no longer cared. As a matter of fact, I had told one of my best friends, that if I didn’t get out, I had seriously considered suicide as an option. He was like the whiny puppy pulling on your pant leg. Too bad I couldn’t punt him over the fence!
The only way I knew of ending the relationship in a way that Joe would never want me back: I had an affair. I won’t go into the sordid details of that but I will someday. Needless to say, it worked but I ended up ruining many more relationships in the process. The one great thing to come out of it was the fact that it got me to move to Albuquerque where I met my wonderful husband and now have a great family.
I asked L to think about the implications that an affair would have on her family, especially her children. In retrospect, if I had been honest with myself and handled the situation in an honorable manner, things would have turned out much differently. I still live with the guilt of having hurt so many in such a rash decision. I told her that honesty is the best policy, still painful but not as destructive.
After sharing many tidbits of my previous mistakes, L thanked me for listening and sharing. I told her that it was all for selfish reasons; I’m seriously thinking about becoming a life coach and she gave me some valuable practice. (She was excited about being my beta test, lol.)
I felt good after our visit and hoped that I gave her some direction to resolve her problems in a productive way. It also gave me the opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come and where I want to go. Thanks L!

Peace,
Mon :-)

To post or not to post... or "I don't want to bum anyone out"

I've checked out a few new blogs today and revisited a few favorites. The thing that I found that I like are the people that make comments on everyday life while maintaining a bit of levity. Some of the more "brooding" ones are hard to get through.
Now to the point, the reason I decided to start this blog was because I was going through a really weird time but thanks to the modern miracle of drugs, I'm in a "happier" place than I was back then. (Turns out that a hormone imbalance was causing a lot of my "angst" and lack of energy.)
The real reason I wanted to blog was to keep an online journal of my daily emotional battles; I have issues but I don't feel overwhelmingly consumed by them. Every once in a while I'll have a situation that really "brings me down" and I struggle.
I would hope that sharing some of my life experiences would help others but somehow I don't get how "putting it out there" would accomplish that purpose. If I went to a specialized blog or joined an online community, that might suffice.

**************************************************************
Another random thought...

I finally requested information:

Master of Science (MS) in Education
Training and Performance Improvement Specialization

The master's degree specialization in training and performance improvement is designed for professionals in roles that include training specialist, career counselor, professional coach, sales trainer, adult educator, and performance improvement consultant. Based on the American Society of Training and Development's (ASTD) Human Performance Improvement Model, this online program will teach you how to apply human performance technology to improve productivity in various organizational settings.

I can see myself doing this. I would eventually LOVE to be an executive career/life coach. (Coaching was one of the highest scores I received on the MAPP career assessment. Go to www.assessment.com. I'm glad I did.) I love taking self-assessments and love when others do the same. Its one way of getting to know others on a different level. The last couple of years that I taught, my kids took the Myers-Briggs online and many were surprised at what they found. Life is such an incredible journey... I feel that if I can help others with an authentic path, they might find the fullfillment that I think I'm getting closer to. (So much for brooding here, lol.)

Maybe I just answered my previous question... hooray for levity!!

Peace to all,
Mon :-)

I Want My Mommy! aka The Gen Y Mantra

An article from http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2006/02/17/ariz
A good friend sent this to me. Needless to say, I'm stunned.

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Avoid Whatever Offends You
When faculty leaders talk about the various versions of the Academic Bill of Rights circulating among state legislators, many single out a bill in Arizona as the worst of all.

The legislation there would require public colleges to provide students with “alternative coursework” if a student finds the assigned material “personally offensive,” which is defined as something that “conflicts with the student’s beliefs or practices in sex, morality or religion.” On Wednesday, the bill starting moving, with the Senate Committee on Higher Education approving the measure — much to the dismay of professors in the state.
The Arizona bill goes beyond the measures that have been pushed in other states — in fact it goes so far that David Horowitz, the ’60s radical turned conservative activist who has pushed the Academic Bill of Rights, opposes the measure. “It doesn’t respect the authority of the professor in the classroom,” he said. “This authority does not include the right to indoctrinate students or deny them access to texts with points of view that differ from the professor’s. But it does include the right to assign texts that make students feel uncomfortable.”
Horowitz’s opposition to the bill is of little comfort to professors in Arizona. Although the legislation has a long way to go before it could become law, the idea that the Senate committee charged with overseeing colleges would approve the measure is upsetting to academics. They are also angry because the evidence cited by lawmakers to support the bill appears to be based on a misreading of an acclaimed novel.
The sponsors of the bill did not respond to messages seeking comment. But local news coverage of the session at which the bill won committee approval quoted Sen. Thayer Verschoor as citing complaints he had received about The Ice Storm, a novel by Rick Moody that was turned into a film directed by Ang Lee. “There’s no defense of this book. I can’t believe that anyone would come up here and try to defend that kind of material,” Verschoor said at the hearing, according to The Arizona Star. Other senators spoke at the hearing, the newspaper reported, against colleges teaching “pornography and smut.”
Actually, there are plenty who would defend teaching The Ice Storm, including the professor whose course appears to have set off Verschoor. The course — at Chandler-Gilbert Community College — was “Currents of American Life,” a team-taught course in the history and literature of the modern United States. The literature that students read is selected to reflect broad themes of different eras, according to Bill Mullaney, a literature professor. For example, students read John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row and Tim O’Brien’s The Things They Carried.
The Ice Storm was a logical choice for teaching about the 1970s, Mullaney said, because the novel looks at suburban life at a crucial point in that decade: the collapse of the Nixon administration. While two families’ lives are dissected, Watergate is always in the background and the relationship between private morality and public scandal is an important theme.
Adultery is central to the novel and one of its most famous scenes involves a “key party,” in which couples throw their car keys in bowl, and then pull out keys to decide which wife will sleep with which husband (not her own) after the party. From comments at the Senate markup of the bill, it seems clear that lawmakers had heard about the wife swapping, but Mullaney and others doubt that they actually read the book. If they had, they might have realized that Moody’s portrayal of ’70s culture is far from admiring.
“The book is a satire of this culture,” Mullaney said. “There are these incredible moments of human connection that get through the morass of ’70s culture. But if you read the section on wife swapping, it’s showing how empty and unfulfilling and morally corrupt it is. So for these legislators to believe that this book is condoning wife swapping, the sad part is that they are passing this bill and they haven’t read the book.” (Privately, some faculty members less charitable than Mullaney think that the legislators may have read the book and just not understood it.)
Chandler-Gilbert officials said that Mullaney and all of their professors take a number of steps that indicate that they do respect students’ rights to avoid certain material. Mullaney, for example, had a reference on his syllabus to the controversial nature and “adult themes” of some works, and he draws students’ attention to that reference on the first day, when they have time to switch courses or sections. In the case of the student whose complaint apparently set off the bill, however, he ignored the warning and demanded an alternate book several weeks into the course, saying he hadn’t paid attention when Mullaney noted the material earlier. The student’s mother also called the college president (although the student is over 18).
Mullaney said that he respects the right of students to decide which courses to take, but that students can’t dictate books to be taught. “This is totally unworkable in the classroom,” he said. “If you have students demanding alternative books, and one student is reading one book, and one another, and one another — it doesn’t make any sense in terms of how you teach.”
If the bill became law, he added, professors would have to avoid controversial books so they wouldn’t risk losing control of their reading lists. “I joke that what I’ll do is just teach To Kill a Mockingbird — all the time,” he said.
Faculty and administrative groups are opposing the bill. Janice Reilly, president-elect of the Maricopa Community College District Faculty Association, said that the bill “very much infringes on academic freedom.” Reilly, a professor of counseling at Mesa Community College, said that “students have their own personal responsibilities” to pick courses, and that expecting professors to alter courses “hurts other students,” who want the emphasis on the original material.
Arizona State University has also come out against the bill. A statement from the university said that the bill is “overreaching” and that “informal processes” deal with any problems that come up with students who are uncomfortable with material. The university said that it hoped further discussions with legislators could produce a solution that deals with their concerns while also “protecting the academic enterprise.”
The Arizona Daily Star quoted Senator Verschoor as acknowledging that additional negotiations might be needed. He said that he doubted colleges would follow the bill’s provisions now “because of the whole academic freedom thing.”
To many, that “whole academic freedom thing” is indeed the crux of the matter. Mullaney said that a positive aspect of having his reading assignment get this attention has been the “unbelievably supportive” way his college’s president, Maria Hesse, and other administrators have backed him.
And he said that the experience has reinforced for him the value of teaching. “This all was a little difficult at first, with a flurry of e-mails attacking the college and my integrity,” he said. “But the more I’ve learned about academic freedom, the more sure I am that what I’m doing is right and that it matters — to teach students to think critically, to help students come a little bit out of their comfort zones.”
For now, at least, that’s still allowed.
— Scott Jaschik

**************************************************

My rant...

Ya know, I really must be turning into an old lady. I don't get this Gen Y at all or their parents for that matter. More than once, I've stumbled upon articles that emphasize the strange "passive aggressiveness" of this particular group. (I can't think of a better description, sorry.) They are very demanding, such as the case of the new Gen Y employee that was turned down for a promotion. But are so dependent on their parents when something goes wrong. This same Gen Y employee had his mother call HR and demanded to schedule a meeting with his boss to find out why her son was "unfairly" denied the new position. GIVE ME A FRICKEN BREAK!

I've also had my run ins with this particular group at work. They know everything; I'm old and stupid. They are argumentative and show a lack of respect. ("I'm right so f*** you!") Hmm... sounds vaguely familiar. My middle-school math students and their parents?? Of course, I know that not ALL students/persons that fall within this bracket (born between the years 1978-2000) are like this.

Something interesting from Wikipedia...

"As members of Generation Y begin to enter the nation's colleges and universities in large numbers some of their Baby Boomer parents are becoming helicopter parents. Many college advisors and administrators worry that this could have a negative effect on Generation Y's social progress, ego, and developing maturity."[7] (The link to helicopter parents is an interesting read in itself.)

Maybe it's just selfishness on my part... Who's going to take care of us if this group can't take care of itself??

Just a thought or two,
Mon :-)

These are so stupid but I'm more stupid for being addicted to them...

A young man named Corey...

I hadn’t posted in awhile, especially anything about myself (online journal), which was the whole point of starting the blog in the first place. So I’ll start with something that happened the other night.
I was watching the Olympics, good background noise when playing Literati on Yahoo. There was a knock on the door and thought it might be the neighbor. For some reason I didn’t check the peephole and answered it anyway, a “salesman”.
Now I use the term loosely as he could not have been more than 16 or 17 years old. The speech was canned and choppy at best. The part of the spiel that caught my attention was that he was “selling magazines for points”. I struck up a conversation and although he seemed less nervous, he remained polite, “Yes ma’am, no ma’am” and so forth.
Being the nosy person that I am, I asked him if he was in school.
“Yes ma’am, I want to study computer programming.”
“Are you staying out of trouble?”
“Yes ma’am.”
I continued browsing through the magazine listing and tried to find the least expensive subscription; wouldn’t you know it was Catholic Digest. Remembering how tough it was when I sold insurance door-to-door in rural West Texas, I asked him how his sales were going.
“Ma’am, I thank you for just looking. I told everyone that I would get at least one sale tonight and I’ve been knocking on doors for the last three hours. You’re the only person who has taken the time to listen to me.”
I gave him a couple of sales tips and we continued our conversation as I filled out a check. I can’t remember what led to the next comment… “You must have a good job to live in these nice apartments.” I agreed and suddenly felt like I did when I was teaching. The kids always presumed, at least in the Title I schools that teachers were rich and that money was no object. In a sense, it was true. Transported back to my hometown of Lubbock, Texas by that comment, I thanked him but added that I’ve had to work really hard to get to where I am.
I shared with him about the winter when our gas and electricity was cut off. (Lubbock is colder than a witch’s tit or so the saying goes.) Fortunately, we had kind neighbors that let us run one of those long, orange extension cords from their house to our one bedroom to plug in an electric heater. I can’t even imagine every going back to that place and time, it still amazes me. He laughed in a way that said “I’m with you! I totally understand!”
Corey became more interested and asked about my first job. I told him that I was desperate to work so my mom “altered” my birth certificate so that I could get a work permit. (You had to be 15; I had just turned 14.) I loved my brown polyester Taco Bell uniform and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I had some control.
The neighbor I was expecting came by so I told her that I’d be over in a minute. Corey thanked me for the sale and appreciated the visit. I hoped that in that short “teachable moment” that he knew that as long as he continued to work and persevere, he would have a chance to change his own life.
I thank God for the opportunity to become humbled. Before he walked away, happy as a lark, I wished him well and said “God Bless.” By his response, I could tell that he had at least one God-fearing bone in his body and that a parent or grandparent was teaching him well. “Work hard and have faith,” I reminded him as he walked away.
“Thank you, ma’am!”

In only three questions?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You're such a card...

You scored as Big Slick. You are the comrades in arms, best buddies Big Slick - Ace-King. Not prone to rash decisions, you are impeccable, recognize a good opportunity, but won't procede unless the conditions aren't just right and you have gathered all the evidence. The Hammer 69% Big Slick 69% Pocket Kings 63% Pocket Queens 56% Pocket Aces 50% What starting Hold 'Em hand are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Hey, I'm a Lesbian! (You know she is!)

You are Peppermint Patty! Peppermint Patty is a pro on the baseball diamond, but in the classroom she's a D-minus all the way. Bold, brash and tomboyish, what she lacks in common sense she makes up for in sincerity. She's the only one who calls Charlie Brown "Chuck." Oblivious to much that goes on around her, for a long time she seemed unaware that the funny-looking kid who plays shortstop" was a beagle. She has trouble staying awake in class; most of her waking hours in the schoolroom are spent analyzing the probability patterns of true-false tests.

Which of the Peanuts Characters Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh you know these things are just for fun!

The Natural Leader
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Where's the Stethoscope? & The Spirit is a Movin'

Where's the Stethoscope?
I'm sad. My math boss was let go due to an "organizational restructure" this last Monday. Everyone on the reading team is freaking out even though our reading boss has reassured us that there will be plenty of work to be done until June at the earliest. C, the former math boss, went out to lunch with the former math team to pick our brains for his next move. C has more than enough offers for project management gigs but wants to be involved in K through 12 science education, a drastic career change. It reminded me that I'm still in my own state of flux; it's been less than a year since I've left teaching.
I have an interview next Tuesday for a project management-associate position with my current employer. It's kinda funny, when I read the job description it seems really great but when it comes to the actual interview or thinking about actually doing the job, I feel like I'm twelve years old again. Why am I so freaking insecure??
That's all I could think about today. C mentioned that he wanted to "follow his heart" which is indeed very noble. Half the time I'm not sure what my heart is saying. I think the thing I fear the most is the "learning curve". I want to get into corporate training but know that it will be a long road to get where I want to be. The corporate world is competitive and I feel old and tired. I'm not sure if I want to work around any more Gen Y-ers. (I just read a great article and am convinced that I now know why I don't like some of the people I work with. Yes, the 20-30'ish crowd. I grew up around Traditionalists and feel more like a Boomer than a Gen-X.) Gosh I sound like a whiny old hag!!

The Spirit is a Movin'
Okay, backtrack to my post of the female-pirate character. When I saw her image, I was transfixed. I felt the need to be as strong and sexy as she appears, my goal for age 40, January of 2007. I even have her on my desktop to keep me motivated. Well, in the process of sharing this with a friend, one of the nicer Gen-Y'ers from work pointed out that she is a character from a graphic novel called Magdalena. Looking her up, she is described as a "holy servant of the Catholic Church". Hellloooo?? McFly??? God has quite the gift of subtlety.
I've made a hundred and one excuses and have not gone to Mass since June. Maybe this is something else I should be working towards??? (I'm tempted to go out and find it. Oh great, cut to a scene of a haggard middle-aged mom in a comic shop, LMAO!)

Enough for now! Peace out!
Mon :-)

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

Nothing fun ever happens on my birthday.
I'm gonna have a beer during the Steelers game.

TODAY IN ROTTEN HISTORY
We live in a slightly mad world...

1905 - Thousands of demonstrating Russian workers were fired on by Imperial army troops in St. Petersburg on what became known as "Red Sunday" or "Bloody Sunday". 96 people were killed, and over 300 were wounded. This incident marks the beginning of the so-called 1905 revolution.

1918 - Manitoba, Canada film censor board decides to ban comedies, on the grounds that they make audiences "too frivolous".

1949 - Red Communists enter Peking.

1951 - Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's baseball career is ended after he is thrown out of a winter league game, during the tryouts for the Washington Senators.

1957 - Mad Bomber captured.

1972 - In an interview with Melody Maker, musician David Bowie announces that he is gay. Actually he is bisexual, and his wife Angela did catch him in bed with Mick Jagger.

1973 - 176 people are killed in Kano, Nigeria when a Nigerian Airlines flight crashes on its way back from Mecca.

1987 - The State Treasurer of Pennsylvania, R. Budd Dwyer, proclaims his innocence to fraud charges at a crowded press conference (link is not what you think) and then pulls a gun out of an envelope and blows his brains out.

Captain, O Captain!

Reading a post by riverdriver reminded me of how much I miss Captain Picard.

Enjoy the Techno Trek!

Mon:-)

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 39??

I've decided that I will not grow older gracefully... I will be dragged kicking and screaming expletives the whole way!
To backtrack a bit, I have never held a job, in one place, for more than 4 years. (Okay, so I taught for 10 years but it was at 5 different schools. We'll say my average is 2.) Change is a neccessity, routine is boring as hell. I've been "trapped" in education for over a decade (I was an admin assistant and substitute before committing to the classroom) and decided enough was enough. In college, I changed majors at least six times, I've had more than one husband, and always had a boy toy when I wasn't in a serious relationship. Committment is not one of my strengths. (In my defense, I will be celebrating my 4th anniversary on the 27th. I am very happy and lucky to have someone like my hubby! God bless America!!)
As I've mentioned in previous post, I'm satisfied with my new job. There are few things that I would change but not anything worth losing sleep over. The only problem is that I am "term of project" and production is slowing down. So in anticipation of a possible pink slip in the near future, I decided to update my resume and see if I could get a few bites. (In part, I also wanted to see if I was still marketable.)
So, in the last week I've had one job offer and four requests for interviews. (One company actually sent a message with their salary range and asked if I would come in if their offer was agreeable.) I did a lot of research on resume writing and made sure to avoid some of the usual pitfalls. My feeling now is that if or when that shoe drops, I can get back into the marketplace pretty quickly, thank God!
Of course, I have a way of complicating EVERYTHING! After I got the call with the offer (pretty much what I'm earning now plus bonuses) I decided to look over the contract with my current employer. It was one of those intuition things. When in doubt, my gut feeling has more times than not saved my arse. And there it was... the "clause". Basically, I'm forbidden to work for a competitor for at least a year after termination of contract. Ironically, I was at our company's winter conference that morning. The number one tenet pointed out by the president as to the reason for our company's success? Doing the right thing every day. (This is paraphrased due to my need for secrecy.) In the realm of morality, I would be a "traitor" if I took the offer. It bothered me that anyone would think of me in that way. Then the self-serving monster reared its fugly head. If I were to take the offer, I would lose out on my 2005 bonus to be distributed at the beginning of March. Ironically, it was announced at this particular meeting that we met our expectations and would all qualify for 18.9%... of our salary. I would be an idiot to leave before that was doled out!
(BTW, why is every other airing of Jimmy Kimmel a freakin' rerun. It's not like he's a Carson or Letterman.)
I have always had the stong belief that everything happens for a reason. In the last few days that I have been dreading #39, I have made a few decisions:
1. I will stick it out where I am now. I'm not desperate for a new job.
2. I will not compromise my reputation in reaction to my insecurities. My flakiness is bad enough.
3. Most important, even if the Steelers lose on my birthday, I will live to see another birthday. As a matter of fact, I want to be a female pirate by this time next year. I'll have to go easy on the wine and cake if I want to get into those leather pants and bustier.

Argh,
Mon:-) aka Bloody Morgan

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

A couple of quick jokes...

Why couldn't the young pirate get into the movie?
It was rated ARRGH!

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices something strange in the pirate's britches. The bartender asks, "Is that a ship's wheel in your pants?"
"Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My pirate name is:

Bloody Morgan Kidd

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

The reasons I'll be the greeter/hostess in purgatory...

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test