In the past, I’ve always joked that his work situation has actually been the reason we’ve stayed married. Not too much “smothering” and someone to look forward to seeing every four days or so. Lately, it just seems as if it’s taking its’ toll. I hate admitting that I’m human and this loneliness is beginning to frustrate the hell out of me. I’ve know women in this same situation that have resorted to having an affair, anything to fill that void, I guess. If I didn’t care so much, or maybe just a bit more selfish, I probably would have already done so by now.
The vulnerability I’m feeling right now has me stumped as well… My recovery from the surgery has been fine other than the fact that I hate not being able to give 110% physically. Being on doctor’s orders to rest has brought to light the fact that I was actually a lot more active before the surgery than I thought. Having to opt out of belt testing this weekend doesn’t help either, but at least I’ll be able to do the make-up in August.
I’m also trying to maintain my composure as I type this… I wonder how many times my girls have looked and me and thought, “My mother’s crazy… sometimes she just cries.” What kind of example am I setting for them? Do they see me as strong, willing to put up with this part-time, single mom lifestyle because I promised my husband “until death do us part” or am just too weak to do anything else?
The lyrics of “Soul Mate” by Natasha Bedingfield comes to mind:
“Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,
If there's a soul mate for everyone?”
How is it that I’m not alone, but oh, so lonely right now??
Okay, this is more food for thought, no pun intended… I kid you not, I just opened my fortune cookie from dinner and found this:
Lord knows I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I can't demand that my husband work days without leaving his job. As a matter of fact, he had his name added to "The List" to move to day shift when my oldest was born, almost 8 years ago. He's actually at the top of it now... It'll mean a cut in pay (about -15%), but I see it as being worth every dollar. (This technology company is world famous, you've seen their commercials. Leaving the company is out of the question, especially with this economy.)
I refuse to believe that my well is dried up... But my heart is breaking; maybe a leak?? I want someone to tuck in my girls at night with me and then enjoy some quiet together time as lovers. I would give anything to be held right now, to be told that I could rest easy tonight and not have to go to bed alone. Is that what "Normal" couples do or am I just asking for too much?
It's now 7:34... only 11 more hours to go.
2 comments:
You're in a tough spot, kiddo!
One piece of advice from someone who's played that game and lost:
Don't put off improving the marriage while waiting for the schedule/job/whatever change.
There are three reasons for this:
1) You will be needlessly miserable during the wait.
2) Things might drift beyond repair .
3) Letting everything ride on a single bet is too risky - especially if the bet doesn't pay off or turn out to fix things like you hope.
Try the old love note in the lunch box or mid-shift phone call. So what if he acts unappreciative - do it anyway. Avoid the sad, sappy, clingy, stuff and just give him a good short dose of your cheer (fake or otherwise).
And yes, the life and marriage you have is ALL there is. You know as well as anybody that it's not what you're dealt but how you deal with it. At some point you have to take the cards in your hand and realize that you have to play or fold. If you fold, you'll just get another set of cards and have to start all over again.
Ante up!
Helpful note:
I noticed that you try to maintain anonymity in your blogging.
Unfortunately, this is very difficult to do. You left a link to your blog on classmates.com some time ago and have probably forgotten about it.
As your husband is a techie, it is impossible to believe that he hasn't done a little time on "The Google" with your name in the little box. He may never admit to reading your stuff, but it would be best to assume that he has.
You mentioned that you never fight, but your description of his actions certainly point to passive-aggressive behavior. Women never seem to clue into the fact that their men are often stewing over unspoken angst. Reading your blog could definitely lead to a bit of insecurity on your husband's part, especially taken out of context and without a bit of reassuring on your part.
Men don't deal any better with a woman's past than vice versa, the only difference is in the manner of expression.
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