I picked the kids up from daycare/camp and decided that I wanted to get them cute tops for today. (Only $4 at Target!!) Seeing that their grandfather is 100% Irish, we really don't have a say in the matter. (My married last name is about as Irish as you can get!)
As we're getting out of the car, my oldest Kaitlyn (yes, that's Irish too) is tired and fussy. I know that we're only going to make it about five minutes before she falls apart.
Wrong. She becomes argumentative and I tell her if she keeps it up, she'll have to ride in the basket. (Being the precocious 5-yr-old that she is, this is as bad as telling a teenager no phone for a week.) Kaitlyn escalates and as I have been trained to do via years of teaching, if you make a threat, you'd better follow through. Into the basket she goes.
Then she starts the "I wanna get out of the basket" routine. Now the thing I must add about Kaitlyn is that I honestly forget that she is still a young child. (I hate using the word "gifted" because it adds a lot of unnecessary baggage to a kid's life.) She started writing her letters and making very detailed drawings at the age of 2. Her teacher is amazed that she is the youngest in her class (August b-day) and the most advanced. (She is doing both reading and math at about a second grade level.) Plus, I'm in denial. I don't want to think about her as gifted; I had a lonely and unhappy school experience because of it. I'm also beginning to think that she may have a touch of OCD mixed in... once she gets started with a tantrum, there's no stopping. It's almost as if she becomes obsessed with winning the argument. My husband and I are two of the most stubborn people so it becomes a real competition. (Read "Raising Your Spirited Child" and you'll know what I mean.)
Throughtout Target you can hear "I wanna get out of the basket! I'm not a baby! I wanna get out of the basket!" I'm only going in for two shirts, a quick 5 minute trip. As I'm making my way through rounders in the young girls section, an older woman with a look of "concern" on her face asks if everything is okay. I tell her that my daughter is unhappy with the consequences presented to her and she's just upset that she can't have her way.
"Well, I could hear her from the other end of the store. Are you sure that everything is okay?"
The condescending tone in her voice was like a slap in the face. I look at Kaitlyn and ask, knowing that I won't get a response, "Kaitlyn, are you okay? This lady seems to think that there's something wrong."
"I wanna get out of the basket! I wanna get out of the basket!"
"See, there's nothing wrong. She's just being a tired 5 year old."
"Well you obviously are a cruel parent. There's no reason a child should be crying like that."
"And your kids never pitched a fit?"
"No and unlike your poor daughter, I have very confident children. I don't have to use intimidation to discipline my kids."
OH NO YOU JUST DIDN'T JUST GO THERE! rang in the back of my mind. LISTEN HERE BEE-ATCH!
"Listen lady, I didn't not lay a hand or harm my daughter in a way that you are suggesting."
Lucky for her, I walk away and find the shirts I need and proceed to check-out. There's a saying that goes "Chiquita pero picante!" That's why my husband married me!
My barrio instincts kick into high gear as I notice that this "concerned woman" has followed me. I give her the look from hell and she gets in the line further down from me.
As I'm walking out, I stop my basket in front of hers:
"I don't know who you are but you have got a lot of nerve to criticise, especially wearing that gold cross around your neck. You don't know me or my background. I taught children with parents like you for over 10 years, all spoiled brats. Forgive me for teaching my child that negative actions bear consequences. It's people like you that have caused the mess we're in today!" She gives me an uncomfortable look because by this time, we've gotten the attention of customers, check-out clerks, the security guard, whatever...
I wanted to be a bigger bitch, I wanted to make her feel as bad for thinking that she had it all figured out. Was this person from another planet? I have always thought that moms were supposed to support each other. Needless to say, although I knew that I was in the right, I let her criticism knock me down and feel like the crappiest mom in the world.
Back in the truck, Kaitlyn continued her "I didn't want to ride in the basket! I didn't want to ride in the basket!" Finally, with all of the conviction in my voice that I could muster, I yelled "YOU BE QUIET! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD. SAY ANYTHING ELSE AND NO TV OR COMPUTER!" I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of negativity; I couldn't swim to the shore no matter how hard I tried. I cried as I drove home.
I don't know how much longer I can take this "pushing buttons" phase with Kaitlyn. She did it again this morning. Today was "Dollar Donut Day" at Melissa's daycare. I left Kait in the truck so she wouldn't be late for camp, our next drop-off. Getting out I asked her what kind of donut she wanted. "I don't want one."
I was in complete shock, no donut? "Are you sure?"
"No, I'm sure."
After going back to the truck, I noticed that Kaitlyn was now crying, "I wanted a donut."
Damn if that f****** switch didn't go off. I mustered to stay calm. "You just told me that you didn't want one."
"But I want one now."
"You said no and that's final." So on the way to camp, "I'm hungry, I want a donut." Calmly I reminded her that she had cereal before, snacks in her lunch bag and she would just have to deal with it.
Signing her in at camp, almost a repeat of last night. "Is everything okay? Is Kaitlyn feeling ill?" Again, the consequence explanation. I hate parenting right now. It sucks becuase I feel so incompetent at it. I feel like I might be ruining my relationship with my daughter, scarring her for life.
But then there's the epiphany... What I'm going through right now is totally applicable to what I see as my life's vocation, helping other women. (As a life coach, I'd like to work specifically with women, stay-at-home moms transitioning back into the workplace, working moms that need more balance, self-care and self-valuing, etc.)
I thought about the advice that I've given in the past and how it's so much easier said than done: If you make a threat with a child, you have to follow through; I just happen to have the one kid who likes to call my bluff.
2 comments:
Oh, I so agree with you! I know a number of teachers, all grade levels, who get trampled by their students because they threaten the class with varying punishments and then never follow through. The teachers then lose whatever control they had over the students because they have lost one of the most valuable things you can get from a child, respect. One of my close friends (interestingly enough, a teacher) does the same thing with her children. I've heard her admonishing her children while on the phone with me: "If you continue behaving this way, you are going to your room. OK, I'm going to count to three, and when I get to three, you are going to your room. OK, one, two...don't make me send you to your room. One, two...OK, I'm about to send you to your room...." If you never trigger the nuclear option, they'll never believe that you actually will. While there aren't always reasons to be physical with a child (spanking etc.), there will ALWAYS be a need to be firm with your child. If the kids "call your bluff", it's because it IS a bluff. If you actually enforce it, it isn't a bluff and you are justified in your actions. I really hate it when "concerned strangers" try to get involved in things they know nothing about...
i have to say, it's the people who are too embarrassed, weak or lazy to properly discipline their kids in public who are the problem. i was at (coincidentally) target a few weeks ago, and these two kids were chasing each other around and around a clothing rack, pulling clothes on the floor and banging into people. what did their mother do? absolutely nothing.
good for you for taking the heat. your daughter knows you mean what you say, and that's a lesson well learned.
k
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