An open letter to Karen...

Hey Karen,
It's been a long week and I missed you! Hearing about the croissant incident reminded me of the idea of "intuitive" eating. (Check out the brief article at http://www.barbarabirsinger.com/documents/ARGUSArticleJan98-short.pdf)

It makes a lot of sense to me... My girls, 3 and 5, have always seemed to be "picky" eaters to me. I've finally figured out that much of the fighting at the dining room table was caused by my ignorance; I cannot make them eat if they are not hungry. They are allowed to eat if they ask for something in the middle of the day, usually fruit or a PBJ sandwich. The only time of the year that's really hard is the holiday season. They've been "exposed" to Halloween candy, pumpkin pie, and Christmas cookies. I figure it's okay since they eat pretty well the rest of the year.

I usually feel very conscious of the fact that they are both "rail thin". I credit it to the fact that the only beverages they drink are milk and water, no 'fruit' juices or sodas (maybe juice once a day) and we shy away from fast food. We're always stocked up on apples and bananas, yogurt, string cheese, healthy snacks. But they know what's "good" - they love any type of meat or veggie with a sauce, i.e. stir fry with oyster sauce, chicken parmesian, creamed peas, chicken marsala, etc. (Please watch "Super Size Me" if you haven't already.) I worry that people will think that we starve our kids. I don't know if other people do this but they always get some kind of treat before bed, usually a cookie and more milk or a scoop of ice cream. It's funny, my older daughter will only eat half of a cookie and the younger will only eat a couple of bites of ice cream and lets the rest of it melt in her bowl.

Maybe because we don't totally cut out sweets and allow in moderation??

Growing up, I lived with a woman who had the unhealthiest of lifestyles. My mom went through the pot phase in the 70's, alcohol in the 80's, and painkillers in the 90's. Being only 5'2", I know that the 200+ lbs. that she carries, compounded by emotional baggage, cigarette smoking, and living with diabetes hasn't been easy considering her former habits.
My sister is also heavy; she drinks occasionally and smokes as well. My brother, the youngest, is a carbon copy of the other two. (They actually all live together still; it's a bizarre co-dependent situation I'll write about someday.)

So how did I end up staying within my own normal weight range? I LOVE food. Marrying an Italian was a bonus for me; I can now make a mean marinara, forgeddabout that Preggo/Ragu crap! My masterpiece? A killer chocolate Kahlua cheesecake. (I only allow myself to make it once a year; I coerce my husband by telling him it's either cheesecake or sex. Sex once a year would really suck!)

For me, it's this unnerving fear of being "just like my mom". I was always embarrased by her growing up and still am sometimes. (It bothers me when relatives point out that we look alike. My 5 yr. old is a dead ringer for me; she'll probably hate me too.)

This fear is what drives me to diet/fast when I start to get 10-15 lbs. above normal. But it's also the same fear that drove me to graduate from high school and go on to college. (My mom got pregnant her senior year in high school but eventually got her GED. My brother and sister didn't even get that far. Miguel would have been an outstanding physicist or mathematician, fucking loser! I'd kill to have brains like his. Fucking alcoholic.)

This is the same fear that made me weak and choose abortion more than once... totally against my beliefs but I could not bear bringing kids into the world that would loathe me as I do my own mother sometimes.

This was the fear that I felt when my step-father ritually abused me. I could never ever allow myself to be "controlled" by another person; I had to control others, especially myself.

I've gone through my self-destructive phases more than once in my life. The common denominator was the lack of moderation: too much sex, booze, dependency on others (relationship addictions), whatever.

I've decided that in those scary moments there was always some kind of FEAR driving me further into an abyss. It was only after I understood WHY I overindulged that I could control it. I have great monogamous sex with my husband, a glass of wine with dinner or an occasional nightcap, and I let my hubby wear the pants at least 50% of the time, tee hee.

You had a croissant and you enjoyed it. (God, I'd KILL to have an AJ's chocolate or marzipan croissant EVERY DAY!) You're supposed to enjoy it's deceptive lightness and buttery flakiness. I would be distrustful of others who don't take the time to enjoy God's bounty. (He created chocolate truffles on the 1st day to get him through the rest of the week, likewise with toasted almond mistos.)

Enjoy what you want in moderation. I have friends that tell me I'm crazy. I eat whatever I want BUT in very small portions. For example, we went to Cold Stone the other night to celebrate my daughter's first kindergarten performance. I bought a pint of cheesecake with graham crackers and chocolate, my husband got the Monkey Bites. I got home, put on my jammies, and make myself very comfortable. Pint in hand, I ate slowly; almost erotic, huh? I made sure to take note of the taste and creaminess. I loved the ocassional crunchiness of the graham cracker mix-in and chocolate ribbon. After about 5 bites, into the freezer it went. (I can make a pint last a few days. My husband thinks I'm insane.)

The point is, you and I deserve to enjoy food. All of us do. What a simple pleasure to find the perfect juicy pear or the right combination of sweet and salty when the craving hits us. When I tell people about my version of moderation (like the two bites of a Krispy Kreme instead of the whole thing), "Oh I just don't have the willpower. That's like torture. I'd want the whole thing."

I think about the reward instead. My senses of taste and smell are fulfilled and there is no guilt for allowing myself to indulge in a small way.

Which is worse, the pangs of deprevation or the guilt of overdoing? I say moderation cancels them both out!

Know that I'm here rooting for you! Take care!

Hugs,
Mon :-)