Feeling Disconnected

I have not surfed the net from home in almost a week. Why? Because I'm lazy. If you think this sounds kind of stupid, that's because it is! I have a laptop and a little computer/sit at the sofa type set up so I can surf while I watch whatever crap is on t.v. Does that count as multi-tasking if I'm not accomplishing anything twice??
So I just started getting a stupid message "no or little connectivity" but I'm still getting a signal from our wireless network. I went into "Options" and started screwing around with a bunch of stuff. I know just enough to be dangerous. In short, I can't use my laptop for surfing and I don't feel like whining to my hubby to fix it. (I'm sitting at the computer desk to do this and missing SpongeBob. What a horrible tragedy.)
Reading one of my fave blogs, http://cuttingthroughthefat.blogspot.com/, I realized that I'm addicted as well. As long as I surf/veg in front of the t.v., I can just exist in a shallow haze. Only getting up when necessary... to give the kids a bath, get them tucked in, load the dishwasher, and to re-fold the occassional load of laundry. (But I don't put it away, see a previous post.)
When I was at my former school back in NM, I was it! The kids loved my math class. I was the friend that always had something witty to say. I could be counted on to brainstorm some new idea and get it rolling. When we needed a cantor or musician for Mass, I could step in effortlessly. I was the trendsetter... a new haircut or suit would cause a "stir" and others followed. In other words, I was "popular"... Yuck, it sounds SO high school.
Now, I'm "not as popular"... Maybe that's why I'm feeling so old and fat. Most of the people I work with are 10 years younger, a bunch of brilliant hipsters with their cute, short multi-colored haircuts and multiple piercings. Most are unmarried with no children. They go out for happy hours, movies on a whim, mornings at the gym, and weekend trips to Vegas and San Diego. Most of the time, I feel very insecure when I'm at work.
It would be silly of me to think that they don't have their own insecurities or hang ups. There might even be a few that envy my stable, mostly happy homelife and family.
There's a gal that I work with, J, and she is a single mom. I've had the opportunity to get to know her and she's a very sweet person.
Now here's the bad part, I'm presumptuous and arrogant. J invited me and the kids to go to a "Christmas on Main Street" outing on Friday evening. I said sure but in the back of my mind I thought what in the world would we ever have in common. I'm very outgoing and like meeting new people but for some reason, I was feeling "old" and insecure again. I also thought that because she was a single mom that I shouldn't talk about my marriage or family at the risk of sounding like I was bragging. In a nutshell, I was very screwed up in the head!
As I am apt to do, when I'm feeling insecure about a situation, I tend to bow out. Trying to decide what excuse to give J before cancelling, my cell rang. OMG, J was calling to cancel. Now I know what it felt like when I had given others a rain check. I told her that it was okay and that we'd go out another time. In a way, I felt relieved but would now have to explain to the kids that our plans fell through.
A few minutes later, J called back to say that her situation had righted itself and that we could still meet if I wanted. Feeling a bit humbled, I decided that going out and doing something would be much better than vegging out at home another Friday night.
Late in the evening, we ended up at a fast food/playground after the nice stroll among the Christmas music and lights in the brisk night air. As the kids played, we talked about our past and present situations and came to realize that we had a lot in common.
Thinking back on last night, I now know that many times I'm my own worst enemy. I'm so afraid to come out of myself that I miss out on getting to know others and see new things. J is a confident, intelligent young woman and mother with goals and dreams. This only proved that being a mom whose husband works nights and no sitter is not my problem. I spend so much time blaming my situation that I've lost sight of what's really wrong. I'm fixated on myself and how I measure up to others. I'm afraid to go out and live a life, mistakes and heartbreaks included. I need to get off of my arse to make things happen.
In closing, I think back to my own mom. (I'll do other blogs about my strange childhood some other time.) Poor woman suffered from major depression, something that I never understood until I was much older and being treated for my own. When she wasn't working, she was always asleep. I would get so pissed off about not going anywhere or doing anything, just being stuck at home. (That's how I became a decent violinist, nothing else better to do!) I guess I'm just repeating the cycle. How many times in the mind of my 5 year old daughter has she thought "Mom! Get off of that stupid computer and love me! Do something with me; laugh and sing with me, now!!"
I'm grateful that J called me back and that I have a new friend. I'm grateful that I put my girls in the bath and that we are going to get out of the house later. I'm also grateful that God has given us a new day for me to try again and maybe get it right this time.

Peace and blessings,
Mon :-)