To Tell the Truth...

In the last week or so, I've had the most bizarre dreams. Always juxaposed against the setting of my adolescent years, my husband (S), high school sweetheart (B), or ex-husband (J) appear; either one at a time or together is some form or fashion. (In one dream, I was pissed that S and B were getting ready to go to a concert and I was grounded. I think I was more pissed that S got along better with B more than I ever did. Look that one up.) For some reason my brain is feeling the need to regurgitate much of this. Any insights would be appreciated.
I mentioned my outing with a new friend from work. One of the things we talked about was the complexity of dysfunctional relationships. I don't want to get into my family's issues but I guarantee that will be a long entry.
One of the hardest things I've had to face is my insecurity of appearing less than perfect to the people I love. After years of therapy, I've gotten much better but still fall into that old way of thinking sometimes.
I was pretty young when I met my ex-husband J. At that point in my life, I was juggling work, college, and a very active social life, especially the drinking. We met through a mutual friend, actually the friend of the aforementioned B.
J was from a traditional/dysfunctional family. (Both parents at home but driving each other nuts.) His dad was from Mexico, hard working man, and his mother was a pretty, stay-at-home mom and grandmother. I loved my visits with them. Although they had their problems, it was more of a family than I ever had; I especially loved the nieces and nephews and looked forward to the day that we'd have our own children.
I've never gotten the real reasons pinned down, it's been so long or it could just be good, old-fashioned denial.
In brief, we dated on and off and lived together for a total of five years. Then the turning point came with our decision to get married. (I wanted to get married in the Catholic church but he refused. That should have been the first sign.)
Getting married was probably the last thing that should have been on my mind. I was finally getting help for PTSD and doing well careerwise. I was under the goofball impression that if we sealed the deal that it would enhance the relationship. In the five years that we dated/cohabitated, we went through a few breakups but they always ended the same way. J was passive-agressive. Whenever I was on my way out the door, it was always a bunch of crap:
"You'll ruin my family and the rest of my life. My (insert seasonal holiday here) will never be the same if you leave."
"You're going crazy and don't know what you're doing." (Taking advantage of my past.)
"You really love me and are trying to sabotage your own life."
After almost ten years of emotional blackmail, I figured out the one thing that would keep him from wanting me to stay.
Having an affair was not the proudest moment nor the bravest in my life. I had convinced myself that I loved this man and I actually left my job and moved to another state with him.
At least I didn't have to deal with J's pleading for me to come back.
It hurts my heart to know that I took the coward's way out. I'd like to call or write and ask for forgiveness but there was so much bitterness left in Texas.
I had made the right decision (to leave) but did it in a destructive way; I hurt a lot of people and ruined my reputation. Honesty can be so hard. Even when I had told J that I didn't love him, his refusal to deal with the truth influenced me to take drastic measures.
I'm older and wiser now; it seems like a whole other lifetime. I'm happily married with two beautiful daughters. It's funny because I've read a lot of stats that state that infidelity is habitual. I have no desire to "meet other people". I honestly love my husband with all of my heart and it feels so wonderfully real and genuine.
And there is room for honesty. I can be imperfect most of the time and its finally okay. S has a way of lightening even the toughest of situations and giving me a soft place to lay. In the six years that we've been together, we've only had a couple of arguments. Don't get me wrong, we have lots of disagreements but I've found that dealing with them for what they are, we've been able to work through them.
I think back and find that in my relationship with J, I wasn't who I was supposed to be. One time a friend from work came over and met him.
C: Can I tell you something? Promise you won't take it the wrong way?
Me: Sure.
C: I never would have guessed that you were married to someone like J. You guys don't match.
Me: Wow. Is it that obvious?
C: You don't act like yourself around him either. You're much funnier at work.
Now I had always felt that when it came to intellectual issues, we were great. But I didn't "crave" him. My heart never leapt. I just relied on the belief that you should be friends before lovers. But sometimes even that's not enough.
I am grateful that C was brave enough to be honest with me; I left J about two months after that. It really got me to thinking about how I was living my life and if I was really being honest with the most important person, myself.
I'm grateful that I took a chance and ended up in another state; that's how I met S and now have a pretty decent life.
I'm grateful for blogs; maybe someone will read this and try some self-honesty. Know what you want and do it. Be honest with others and let them know what you really feel; take responsibility for consequences and be courageous to do what is right for you in the right way.

Peace and blessings,
Mon :-)