A Better Kind of Exhaustion

Since I've started this blog, I've been trying to create at least one entry per week. The truth is that I'm totally exhausted. Without getting into too much detail, I've had two sick children this week, double workload and deadlines at the office, Christmas preparations (I've baked banana nut bread, pumpkin cranberry bread, sugar cookies, and a cheesecake all in one week), and trying to clean/organize this small apartment.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is a very 50/50 kind of guy. I load the dishwasher, he unloads it. I start the laundry, he folds it but I never put it away! Rather than sending the kids to daycare on Monday and Tuesday, they stay at home with him on his days off. Plus he's managed to move some things around and into storage to make better use of our space or lack of it.

I have next 10 days or so off. This may sound silly but I fear not feeling rested at the end of my vacation. Remembering this time last year, I was in a deep depression. Being a math teacher at a particular Catholic middle school, I could not see myself going back in January without having some sort of mental breakdown. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the fact that I spent my days dishing out discipline, grading algebra tests, and dealing with the hormone-driven masses. As a matter of fact, I really, REALLY miss my kids. Never a day went by that I didn't want to pull my hair out or give 'em a big hug or laugh with or on occassion chuckle at them. The problem was the "particular Catholic school".

I would be a hypocrite if I said that I was a devout Catholic. I have not been to Mass since our move in June and I feel even worse when my 5-yr-old reminds us that Sunday is the day we go to church. She's the one that reminds us to say grace at meals and helps the 3-yr-old with their prayers at night.

When I began my stint at St. Thomas Aquinas, I was not a practicing Catholic although I had been raised to be so by my maternal grandparents. (I lived with them on and off during my elementary school years; more on that in another post.) Fortuneately, I was surrounded by a few teachers who soon became friends and helped me grow spiritually. Before I knew it, I was attending Mass on the average of 3 to 4 times a week, going to reconciliation on a regular basis, and Adoration on occassion. I was also a member of the parish liturgical chorus and a cantor/musician at school masses. Without a doubt in my heart, music is what gave me the most pleasure and intimacy at Mass. I especially felt appreciated when a parent or fellow teacher would thank me for adding to the service with my playing or singing. As a matter of fact, a friend once told me that I seemed the most calm and serene when I was doing so. Many times my heart aches that I am not a part of that anymore.

When I applied to STA, I was excited just to get an interview. This was the first Catholic school to open in New Mexico in decades and there were lots of expectations that went with it. So many that they appealled to a convent in New Jersey to appoint some of the nuns to ensure the success of the new school. The first principal was there for three years before she was appointed to Superindentent of the Archdiocese. During her administration, things were run efficiently and she trusted the input of her experienced staff members. For the most part, I felt supported and appreciated.

As with some private institutions, parents can become an issue. There is always a fine line; how much say should they really have? After all, not only were they paying over $3,000 a year in tuition but some families had anywhere from 2 to 4 children enrolled at one time. On the other hand, a school is run, or should be run, by professional educators. Shouldn't credentialing and experience be enough for parents to have faith in the people they they rely on to educate their children?

Without turning this into a novel, the next principal (another NJ nun) had a weaker spine and a greater need of control, students and teachers included. (The teachers that were in her good graces were the ones that would have the sisters over for dinner on Saturday evening, give them their perms and trims, or take them shopping at the mall. Yes, the mall.) Many of these teachers were also the ones that were not "properly" credentialed. One kindergarten teacher was "given" her Level II licensing (for 3 or more years experience plus other prerequisites) her first year of teaching. There were at least 10 teachers "on waiver" that had no business teaching: little or no experience in methods, pedagogy, curriculum, etc. One of these new "teachers" was given 5 years credit for previous experience and of course her pay reflected this as well.

Being that I wasn't part of the "inner sanctum", my life at school along with a few of my friends was literally a living hell... but I was a DAMN good teacher. (This was verified by the fact that the new math teacher made the comment that he 'had never seen a group of kids so prepared for high school than these 8th graders'.) In the last year there, I received some of the most un-Christian letters that I have ever received in my life. I'll have to scan and post them sometime.

One parent referred to me as the most inept teacher she had ever heard of. (She didn't like the fact that I was wasting their time and money by having the students create blueprints to spec and researching/building kites as part of our geometry unit; the highest grade you could get if the kite didn't fly was a B. Gee, I'm so 18th century.) By the way, her daugher is "gifted"; so gifted that she hadn't completed her project and threw together a kite made with drinking straws and Christmas wrapping paper. It was doomed from the start. One group of "troublemakers" made the best damned box kite I have ever seen; they decorated it with Chinese symbols that represented their names. That puppy took off in less than 10 seconds and flew the hightest.

I wish I could go back and tell that @sshole that I'm so inept that I'm now an instructional designer for one of the largest educational software companies in the US. That's why I'm so exhausted; major production deadlines, blah, blah, blah. But this year the exhaustion feels different. Eventually, I will get back on track spiritually and have more new friends; I get so lonely sometimes and I miss them immensely! I've doubled my pay and my 5-yr-old is in a school worthy of respect; they just earned an excellence in education award. (Her teacher is awe-inspiring, phenominal! I'd love to teach with people like that again. They are so amazing to watch and I always learn something new about myself and my own teaching.)

By the way, the pumpkin bread was for my boss and co-workers who truly deserve it, they are a great bunch of hardworking and creative people. Mrs. V, the kindergarten teacher, used the sugar cookies to do another great lesson with the kids plus they got to eat them afterwards. My neighbors and my husband enjoyed the cheesecake. I spent last Christmas vacation putting out resumes which led to the job I have today. I don't think I'll need to do that this year. What a difference a year makes.

May the holidays bring you an abundance of peace and blessings to last you throughout the new year!