Most of this journey began January 2005. I decided to make a career change, to leave teaching for good. On http://www.assessment.com/, the field of financial advising turned out to be one of my top professions. So, for the last month and a half, I’ve been through a rigorous hiring process with a well-known investment company. (Let’s just call them “EJ”.) FBI background and credit checks; all I lack is a blood and/or urine sample. I’m sure they’ll be asking for that soon enough. Well, until now…
The past several weeks has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and decisions-to-be-made. Lucky for me, I have a great husband, the kind that Dr. Phil describes as “providing a soft place to land”. (I must really be great in bed because I’ve yet to figure out how he puts up with my constant insecurities.) After about a week of waiting for EJ to call back for the next step in the HR dance, I was getting antsy. One morning while fighting back tears, I sighed that I felt as if this was my last chance to get it right. Hubby just laughs and says, “You’re looking at it all wrong. Your family is your career, that doesn’t change. A job is just a job. If you quit or get laid-off, you just go out and get another one. We’re always gonna be here.” I paused to catch my breath and fight the growing lump in my throat…
Whenever a door closes, why do I feel that I have to walk through the next one trying to prove something? I’m still really bummed out about leaving “The Educational Software Company”. There’s a nagging feeling that I never got the chance to really prove myself. It’s almost as if I were invisible… especially after seeing that many of the suggestions I made earlier in the year were implemented by someone else. Let it go, Mon!
Here’s the part that kicks my ass: As I’m digging through my teacher stuff to put together a portfolio, I find IT. IT is the next hurdle that I need to get over. In my years of working for the school district in Texas, I was never happier. (Except for my first marriage; hey, nothing’s perfect.) Just like a puppy, I’m loyal and devoted as long as I’m petted and appreciated. I have my “District Employee of the Month” pics that friends sent as congrats, my “Regional Wal-Mart Teacher of the Year” and “Southwestern Bell Excellence in Teaching” crystal apple. My evaluations were glowing and positive. Any suggestions were addressed in a fair and constructive manner. I can’t say that I regret leaving… I would have never met my husband and had my awesome girls.
Back to IT… an innocuous looking file folder full of hate, lies, denigrations. A folder that almost made me literally vomit when I stumbled onto it two nights ago. I was going to post some of the vile crap but decided not to. I used to call them my ‘love letters’. Before I left New Mexico, I debated as to whether or not I needed to keep any of it. I was almost sure that some bogus lawsuit would appear out of nowhere and here would be my proof that I was a more than competent teacher. (My management philosophy is CYA aka documentation, documentation, documentation.)
The contrast of my entire career in education with the last two years I had at the Catholic school is striking. Self-doubt is something that is a constant. By the time I left, my Zoloft had been doubled, I had lost almost 20 pounds, and still second-guess myself. Worse still, I’ve seen a few of my friends go through the same emotional torture and abuse at the same cost of their health and sanity. I actually went to the local news with this story; they wanted substantial evidence, such as official documents and/or tape recordings of what was really going on. I wasn’t about to do something illegal just to get back at these people. As a matter of fact, they mentioned that I wasn’t the first person to call them regarding this school. There are still times that I try to convince myself that it really wasn’t that bad… Still trying to let it go.
So I’ve had two interviews for teaching positions, another one tomorrow. In a way, going back to teaching is almost like being back in my comfort zone. I know what to expect and what’s expected. The plus, and it’s a very nice one, I would be able to bring the girls with me to work, safe with mommy. But the self-doubt is still there. Was I really burnt out or just burnt out with the situation? I so desperately don’t want to put my family, especially my husband, through all of that again.
One last task: A friend recommended that I get rid of that folder. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I think a small bonfire would suffice. Hate is such a destructive emotion. Finally coming to grips with the layoff, seeing those letters and memos was like getting punched in the gut. It was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room, no matter how hard it tried, I couldn’t regain my composure, I couldn’t breathe. I will now try to get back up and really let it go…
4 comments:
Mon, unless you can channel the feelings you get from the folder of crap into positive pathways, like "I'll show them, the dumba$$es", then dump it for sure. A bonfire is theraputic, and fun! If you do it over the 4th of July weekend, no one will question the blazing pile of stuff in your yard; they'll just think it's a cookout or something.
As far as the "to teach or not to teach" questions, I think there's a good chance that you know the answer to that already. If you are a teacher, it's in your blood (ooh, sounds like a virus, doesn't it?). A bad experience, which you DEFINITELY had, can turn you away from teaching, but the ability and the enjoyment will always be there somewhere, and you can find them again if you try. If you don't try, well, that won't kill you either, but you will spend some time wondering. So I say, what the heck, give it a shot. I bet you'll wonder how you stayed away this long. And if you don't like it, good lord girl, look at all these other things you are good at! You are smart, funny, tough, and you've got a great supportive family. It's all good!
Let me know how it goes...
-Jill
Burn it! Those were the two words that came to mind as I read your post. I think there are some very therapeutic things you can do before you release this. I'll talk to you about it if you'd like. I'm here for you.
Shake it out gurrl, you got this...
You still out there, Mon? How's it going?
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