Realization of my life’s vocation??

For the last 4 Friday’s, I’ve been working from home. It’s so much better than being “in the cube”! I work a little, clean a little… the girls are at school/daycare and the hubby is asleep. (He works a compressed week, 7 pm to 7 am.) I feel much less stressed going into the weekend and am actually feeling rested before work on Monday.
To the story… I had lunch with an acquaintance on Friday. I met L at a couple of get-togethers at my boss’s house (candle and Super Bowl parties) and decided that she was a really smart and interesting person. (I’m thinking that she feels the same; when asking for her address, she was impressed that I knew that Hemlock, the name of her street, was not just a tree but Shakespeare’s poison of choice.) Many times, I have a tendency to take over a conversation and then later on I end up feeling badly because I didn’t learn very much about the other person. My goal for the lunch was to LISTEN, not that I would be a stick in the mud, but really try to hear what was going on.
We met at a cool Mediterranean place, the Pita Jungle, replete with modern pieces of art and assorted members of the Y Gen. The waiter was tall, dark, handsome, and the food was great. (Friday being a non-meat day, I had the falafel platter. Oh SO delish!) We talked about work, relationships at work, etc. Before I knew it, we were discussing our husbands and mid-life in general. Cutting to the chase, L is going through a crisis. She’s very unhappy in her marriage and is on the brink of taking the next step, the point of no return.
She mentioned that although she was “oblivious” to it, in her words, “I must be putting something out there; I’ve been getting propositions from the guys at work.” (The division L works in is mostly men, programmers and such.) I knew that she was just kidding herself but how to get her to see that she really knew what she was doing.
I ended up offering bits of my previous life. S is actually my second husband. I was married to Joe for almost five years and lived together for the 5 years previous to that. Hindsight is only amazing if you put it to good use. I’ve got tons of experience in the dysfunctional marriage department so here goes…
Joe and I met in the late 80’s, both musicians with affection for both classical and rock music and hybrids of the two. He, a guitarist, and I a violinist, hit it off. He was funny, smart, and didn’t have any major outward flaws, i.e. drinking too much, slutty behavior, and so forth. Anyway, before long we were officially dating. It was fun. We were gigging a lot, going out with friends and partying, going to any concert that we could. I never really ever felt sexually attracted to him but went down that road anyway.
About a year into the relationship, I got into the insurance business which took me on the road on a regular basis. (I was actually pretty good at it averaging about $600 a week in commissions; not bad for a young gal in her early 20’s.) My horizons were being expanded and I decided that I wasn’t in the relationship I wanted to be in. I actually met a couple of nice guys and exchanged numbers.
On one trip home, I decided that ending the relationship with Joe would be the best thing to do. I hadn’t dated much and wanted to get out and meet other people. Joe took it badly; it’s awful seeing a grown man cry. I went ahead and pursued one of the relationships, actually taking a trip to Tulsa to meet this guy and his daughter. I dated another guy as well, turned out to be an alcoholic, poon-hound. That one ended quickly.
Before I knew it, Joe was knocking on the door, begging me to come back. It was always so strange, I’m not a trophy. Having had problems with alcohol, a dysfunctional childhood and family, chronic depression, you name it; I really don’t know what he saw in me. (Maybe because I was his first real girlfriend??) On my part, I liked Joe because he could be fun and he was much more “settled” than other guys and I could count on the fact that he wouldn’t do anything stupid like getting thrown in jail, drinking too much, or cheating on me. He was “safe”.
I get bored very easily, especially in relationships. If there isn’t an evolution going on, I start to wonder if this is all there is. After almost 10 years of waiting for him to change, I was beginning to lose my mind. Throughout that decade, I had worked on many issues through therapy (getting control of my chronic depression), gone back to school and began teaching, taken us on trips to NYC and Europe, was successfully participating in regional symphony work, playing with an eclectic acoustic guitar group at a coffeehouse, and was a founding member of the area’s best new mariachi groups. I was living my life to its fullest and enjoying it.
Joe was still Joe. He was still doing some gigging but he had the same job at the university (associate librarian) and no plans for finishing his bachelor’s degree. At home, I was the one who paid the bills, bought groceries, did laundry, and so forth. I felt as if I had become a roommate who did all of the work. His lack of “evolution” had really pissed me off and I needed out. I still wanted the American dream, a house and a family. It wasn’t going to happen at the rate we were going unless I did it myself.
Twice I tried leaving. Joe was the master of passive aggressiveness. There was always an excuse: “If you leave, you ruin our family. Our nieces and nephews will be scarred for life. Your medication must be off and you aren’t thinking clearly. We are soul mates and just going through a rough time.” By the time I had made my decision to end it once and for all, I no longer cared. As a matter of fact, I had told one of my best friends, that if I didn’t get out, I had seriously considered suicide as an option. He was like the whiny puppy pulling on your pant leg. Too bad I couldn’t punt him over the fence!
The only way I knew of ending the relationship in a way that Joe would never want me back: I had an affair. I won’t go into the sordid details of that but I will someday. Needless to say, it worked but I ended up ruining many more relationships in the process. The one great thing to come out of it was the fact that it got me to move to Albuquerque where I met my wonderful husband and now have a great family.
I asked L to think about the implications that an affair would have on her family, especially her children. In retrospect, if I had been honest with myself and handled the situation in an honorable manner, things would have turned out much differently. I still live with the guilt of having hurt so many in such a rash decision. I told her that honesty is the best policy, still painful but not as destructive.
After sharing many tidbits of my previous mistakes, L thanked me for listening and sharing. I told her that it was all for selfish reasons; I’m seriously thinking about becoming a life coach and she gave me some valuable practice. (She was excited about being my beta test, lol.)
I felt good after our visit and hoped that I gave her some direction to resolve her problems in a productive way. It also gave me the opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come and where I want to go. Thanks L!

Peace,
Mon :-)