Friday was a roller coaster… I spent the last day of freedom, aka “medical leave”, hanging out with a friend, tested and passed my yellow belt exam (Heck yeah!), and had a soul-searching conversation with my friend and her hubby. I really owe a lot to all of my friends. During what seems to be a transitional period in my life, they’ve been there to offer support, a shoulder to cry on, and sound advice.I’m stuck and in trouble…
Stuck because I have some decisions to make and, in either scenario, there will be tears shed, gnashing of teeth, and lots of heartbreak. How does one decide that enough is enough?
Here’s what’s at stake:
* A seven year marriage
* My sanity
* My children’s sanity
I’ve tried so hard and patiently on the marriage, especially in the last couple of months or so. I love my husband but I find him incapable of giving me what I need… emotional support and intimacy. (Hence the old cliché, “I love you but am not in love with you.”)
We actually met online in August of 1999. Newly separated from a former husband, June 30th marked the day that I moved from Lubbock to Albuquerque, with aspirations of continuing my education and performing careers by teaching 5th grade and joining a mariachi. Looking to find some gigs quickly, I placed a “friends” ad on a popular website and started meeting people to hang out with.
S. was in a rock band and looking for a violinist to be featured on a song that he had written for the CD they were recording. We met at a pottery shop and made a couple of items. Smart guy: The second date was set because we would need to pick up the pieces we made the next week. From there, we’d see each other every few days or so, but within a couple of weeks, The Company would send him to Phoenix for training that would last a few months.
I was still going on a few dates here and there and meeting more people… Being single was pretty good, much better than my college days. At least I didn’t have to wait for $1 drink night if I wanted to go out dancing with the gals and I could afford to do more than just that. I actually went on my first fishing trip, hung out with a singles group that was part of a local religious organization (I miss board game nite!), met friends for dinner at places with real food (Steak!!), and got to visit an Indian reservation on one of their feast days.
Meanwhile, S. and I kept up with each other via e-mail and a phone call every few days. I liked this arrangement because I didn’t feel smothered and he was one of the first guys that I had ever maintained a quasi-dating relationship with that was very comfortable and platonic.
About late September, he started driving home to Albuquerque every couple of weeks on his days off… No easy feat as he only had a few days and the drive was pretty lonely and long. Still, things were very simple yet nice, and we were still being good, wink-wink. Then, in about mid-October, things got to the next level, we were officially dating each other exclusively. In a way, I was surprised at smoothly the relationship was still going. One of my good friends at the time, Bill, was sort of a mentor, although he was at least 10 years younger, gave me advice and helped decode the mystery known as the single man. (We joked that because S. was thin, neat, and single, he must be gay… Why else would he not have tried to hit on me for a couple of months?)
S. called me up one day and asked if I would fly out there for a weekend visit. I panicked. Calling up Bill crying, I told him that I was going to break things off and that I couldn’t take this relationship any further. Stunned, he asked why I would do such a silly thing.
“It’s the other shoe… When it drops, I just don’t know if I could take the heartbreak.” Bill just laughed sweetly and asked why I would think such a thing. “All men are @ssholes and there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. This one has just gone way too smoothly.” Then he talked to sense into me. “Because he hasn’t done anything to disrespect or harm you, and you enjoy being with him, you owe him the benefit of the doubt. Go out to Phoenix and see what happens. Then you can make this decision.”
I arrived early one morning at Sky Harbor with S. waiting there for me. We went directly to the suite he was living in, but he said that I should go ahead and leave my suitcase in the car. We rested and talked for a few minutes and then announced that we would be going to the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Wow! What a surprise! It was fall and the weather and scenery was going to be just fabulous. I couldn’t wait!
Right before our arrival at the hotel, he asked if I would need a separate room or not. I went out on a limb and told him that one room was fine. Could that have been my rubicon??
The weekend was pleasant, but short, and I was glad that I had made the decision to give him a chance. Arriving home, life was back to normal. S. continued to drive back and forth on his days off and I’d keep busy teaching during the week. I hated the evenings alone but knew that his stint in Phoenix would be over soon enough.
Thanksgiving came and went… We decorated my little Christmas tree and roasted marshmallows in my tiny fireplace. The next morning, a gift waited for me: A shop vac. I had never lit a fire before in that apartment, not wanting to deal with the mess afterwards, but now I could enjoy a cozy evening anytime I wanted. I’m still perplexed by that one.
December was quickly approaching and S. would soon be home for good. Back in Lubbock, my cousin’s daughter was not doing well. She was suffering from a fatal lung disease and was in the final stages of her battle. I was especially heartbroken for her as this was her senior year in high school, with plans to continue as an education major at Texas Tech. Over the last few years, Margaret would help me set up my classroom each year and was looking forward to having her own class one day.
Not knowing if it was the stress from Marge’s condition, teaching, and the holiday season, I began to feel run down… And, although I had faithfully taken The Pill for years now, I was late for the very first time. I mustered up some courage and bought a pregnancy test, and of course, the first signs of what was to be my little Kait, appeared as a plus-sign in the little window.
Panic… I called my mom, crying, and she assured me that everything was going to be alright. (I would be 33 years old in about a month; She was secretly pleased that I, her eldest, would finally be giving her a grandchild.) We talked and made some tentative plans and I felt better afterwards as most moms are apt to do.
I dared not say a thing to S. until he was home for good, which would be in exactly 1 week to the day, which would happen to pass very s-l-o-w-l-y. Leaving a message on his machine the day before, I asked him to call me as soon as he arrived into town. Having had a long day of driving, he went straight to bed without calling. When I had the left the message, I tried very hard to hide the sense of urgency in my voice, but could no longer keep my situation a secret. He asked if I could let him sleep for a few hours and come by later. Although I had work early the next morning, I agreed and I killed time at a coffeehouse, rehearsing what I was going to say and predict how this was all going to come down.
The Plan:
1. Assure S. that this was indeed an “accident”… Getting pregnant was not expected and that he need only be involved if that is his true intent.
2. If he did not want to be a part of my pregnancy and a daddy, I would be moving to California so I could get support from my family, especially my mom.
3. An abortion would be out of the question.
So, I get there and he’s still quite groggy… The room is dark and I laid down next to him, my heart pounding in fear. Finally mustering the courage, I made my announcement…
His words? Shit. I had obviously given him news that he hadn’t expected. Then the next unexpected action took place.
“What do you want?”
At first, I didn’t really understand the question but then the truth revealed itself: He wanted to know what would make me happy about being pregnant with his child and what I wanted my future to look like. Having grown up without a dad, I knew immediately. I wanted my child to grow up with a father, someone who would be there and to create a better life for this little one than the one I had.
Our decision was made and we immediately started looking at houses and planning for a wedding and the new baby. I have to admit, it was all very exciting and time seemed to move quickly. Kaitlyn was born months later in August of 2000 and we were married January 2001.
Looking back at the last several years, I can honestly say that there was only a few times that I ever felt “madly” in love… Mostly, we’ve maintained a relationship with mutual trust and respect and have played the roles of husband/wife and daddy/mommy to the best of our abilities. But, unfortunately, I’ve never felt that he was my soul mate and I doubt that he feels the same way about me, although he would probably never admit it. (I think I know who his soul mate is, but from what I know, he never pursued a relationship with her because he claims that they were both too much alike… stubborn and hot-tempered.)
I can tell that he is not happy and has not even bothered to ask about my unhappiness, although I’ve already tried letting him know how I feel. When I ask him about his funk, he claims that the only thing wrong is that he’s tired that the house is a mess. (Can you say COP OUT??) Our home is not dirty, nor is it a mess, but it is not perfect. He would never admit to it, but he is truly a perfectionist and it’s key to what is happening right now. I’m not perfect and the girls aren’t either. I am who I am and he cannot expect me to change… I try the best that I can but the state of my closets is the last thing I want to deal with right now, or ever for that matter. Life is too short.
On his days off, he is usually ill with migraines or stomach concerns, busy doing “stuff”, or on the computer. I’m not stupid… The signs are all there. I know from enough experience that there is a stressor causing his health issues and his distance is an avoidance of intimacy.
I’m not sure how to get him to admit it other than screaming at the top of my lungs:
“WE’RE NOT HAPPY AND WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT??”
I’m tired and exhausted…
My kids are acting out.
S. and I have opposite schedules.
The daddy that I wanted for them is never around.
I look around and see a nice home filled with nice things. I am proud of the fact that my husband is a hard worker and would work even harder to give us the material things that we want. But, I would give it all up to go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning next to someone that not only loves me but feels a fire and passion for our life together.
I grew up dirt poor; this is not an exaggeration. Not having the things you need sucks, especially if you have kids. With God’s help, He’s given me the talents and the strength
to work hard to get the things that I've needed and would continue to do so.
I’m stuck because fear is one of the most crippling emotions.
3 comments:
Take a deep breath and realize that nothing has to happen tomorrow.
It's so easy to lose the spark, to feel as though it's all just complaining and problems and unhappiness. I know all too well. In the end it's all about the children. I see that now that it's too late.
From my own experience, I can promise you that your husband needs you far more than you can ever imagine. I picked up just enough knowledge about you and him to know that. And yet I'm sure you cannot feel that and he cannot show it. It's terrible to be in a position where you are unhappy but so much hangs in the balance of your decisions.
I see a lot of parallels between my second marriage and the one you are currently in. I somehow became something I didn't want to be - out of fear, I suppose. Trying to maintain some kind of control on our lives and our futures, sacrificing joy in order to bear the banner of responsibility which no one really asked me to carry. Trying to be the man in a world which really seems to be doing it's best to minimize the value of that very endeavor.
There are the obvious signs that it is over: cheating & physical abuse. Beyond that, nearly all things can be overcome but not easily.
A bit of advice from Dale Carnegie applies here: When you are confronted with a terrible problem, resolve yourself to the worst case scenario and then sometimes you can see more clearly. In this case, accept the fact that you *can* and very well *may* leave the marriage. Knowing that, take a fresh look. You definitely have the strength to leave, the question is whether or not to use that power. You are not a slave, you are not bound by anything other than a vow - realizing that may give you a fresh perspective.
Here are some things to think about - and you already have experienced these, but this time there are children involved:
Divorce will not turn out like you expect. It may be better, it may be worse, but it will take a different path than the one you can now see in your mind.
You may fall farther down than you could ever believe. You will find your way back, but be prepared for a long trek.
Do everything in stages. This is very important - don't do anything that is irrevocable. Try a trial separation, but take time off from relationships while doing it.
You DO NOT have to replace your husband overnight. It may seem like you must because there will be a huge void in your life and it will seem like you have taken a huge step backwards.
Do not leave your marriage with the plan of finding a replacement within a year. No action you take in that first year will be the best for you or the children in the long run. If things are bad enough that you are willing to leave the marriage knowing that you will be alone for a year, then that is a sign of the end. If you are leaving with the expectation of replacing your husband with someone better and plan to do so quickly - you will be very, very, very unhappy.
Ask yourself if you are expecting too much from your marriage. I talked about this a lot with a married female friend - she has no life outside of her marriage. Are you finding outlets for your passion and creativity or do you expect your husband to be involved and passionate about every single thing you are passionate about? The soul mate thing is highly overrated.
I can tell you that my two divorces are the most painful things in my life - and each are flip sides of the same coin. There is NO SUCH THING AS A NICE DIVORCE WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED. In those rare cases where it seems like a divorce was "nice", I can guarantee you that the marriage was not very substantial.
I have watched my parents' dysfunctional, bickering, marriage in amazement for years. Guess what? They have it figured out way better than I do. No long term marriage exists that didn't have to navigate some pretty rough waters.
Your asking the question is a huge step - not towards dissolving your marriage - but towards reaching higher ground where you can see things more clearly. I know both the pain of being trapped in an unfulfilling marriage and the pain of watching one crumble around your feet.
Now that you've asked the question, take your time. Think. Breathe. Don't leave because you long for better, leave because you can't bear it anymore regardless of what's on the other side.
Thanks for the great advice... It does make a difference when looking at my options from a differing perspective.
Regarding: "Are you finding outlets for your passion and creativity or do you expect your husband to be involved and passionate about every single thing you are passionate about?"
I do have my outlets... I have to, otherwise, I'd be stuck at home losing my mind. I can't remember if I mentioned that our hours are completely opposite. (He works graveyard.) The problem is that when the little time that we do have together is there, nothing happens.
I love my life outside of my marriage... I teach at a great school, have wonderful friends, and have really transformed myself physically and emotionally through karate.
It just seems at this point, we're nothing better than roommates with "occassional benefits". When we first moved out to "the middle of nowhere", he would call me once a day as we literally passed each other on the highway to and from work/school, just to see how the girls and I were doing. (Our big move was this last October.) Now, nothing. I don't suspect him of cheating; I think he would call things off before it would ever get to that point. (If he is, color me IDIOT! LOL.)
When I finished my belt test on Friday night, I waited for him to call me to ask how it went and waited for a couple of hours thereafter. Again, nothing. I was disappointed especially because he knows how important that night was for me. (I was depressed for a couple of weeks after my emergency surgery this summer knowing that my belt exam would be delayed.) Because he called immediately after I finally paged him, I knew that he wasn't in the "fab" and that he could have called if he wanted or even remembered.
I think what bothers me most is not so much that he doesn't call me, but that he doesn't even call to say hello to the girls or to even see how they are doing. As I've often joked reluctantly, when he is on-shift, I am truly in single mom mode. (No joking, we sometimes go 2 to 3 days without seeing or talking each other, girls included. It's SO not fair to them.)
I don't know... It just seems as if he's put up a barrier and I can't reach him anymore. (When he's home, most of his interaction with the girls is bitching about them cleaning their bedroom. What's up with that crap???)
Maybe my next step should be to sit down and communicate some progress goals and see if he bites?? I don't want to make ultimatums but stagnation isn't really an option for me either.
One of the reasons I can't make a hasty decision, and I've decided to try my patience, is that I KNOW that divorce has to be the worst-case scenario and that it may be a thousand times worse than I can even imagine... I avoid it for my girls. I know for a fact that they are picking up on the tension and I want to protect them. They love their daddy and I don't want to break their hearts.
I'm so very sad but am trying to wake up every morning with a smile and with gratitude knowing that there are worst things than a not-so-fulfilling marriage and that my blessings outweight my burdens... But for how long??
He is obviously doing the passive-aggressive routine; actions such as his do not manifest themselves without reason. Things are eating at him. You're right - he probably is not cheating, but he is looking somewhere; someone has piqued his interest - most likely at work. His need for perfection makes it difficult for him to cheat, or to even instigate a divorce - difficult but not impossible.
It's a miracle that anyone manages to stay together. While your lives grow apart, interlopers may tug at each of you. Making you feel wanted, important, desirable. It's the old familiar tug of war between instinct and reason. Isn't it amazing that with all of our intellect, religion, and experience as a culture that our instinct still wields power at least equal to our reason?
For every example of failure, there are uplifting stories of perseverance:
I once had a chance to be an interloper with a young woman who expressed similar despair about her marriage as do you. She had married him after becoming pregnant with his child, also a girl. He grew distant within a few years, interested only in television, his race car, and work. She called him a "potato with legs" due to his lack of romantic aspirations.
With great pain, I walked away. I felt that luring her into my arms would be tantamount to promising a grand new life - a promise I was loathe to make as I had previously failed in my own marriage.
Nearly twenty years later, I had occasion to chat with her and view a snippet of her life. To my amazement, she was full of praise for "her man" and her wonderful, fulfilling life. More kids, new common hobbies such as motorcycling, and time itself seemed to have created what I would have thought to be impossible. I realized I could never have provided her with a better life than that which she eventually found.
When you are caught in the swirl of emotion in which you now find yourself, it is difficult to apply the above parable to your own predicament. At the time when I first knew the lady in the story, it would have been equally impossible to do so for her.
Just be sure that you are applying as much energy, intelligence, and fortitude to keeping your marriage alive as you will be willing to apply towards leaving it.
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