Where Are You?? No, Really… WHERE ARE YOU?

One of my best gal pals and I got together last night to catch up. The previous visit was just before my hospital adventure and the kids needed some play time as well. Kim and I met in Kenpo class back in March and have been pretty much inseparable since then. It’s not often, but truly amazing when you happen to meet someone that you “click” with such immediacy, almost as if we’ve known each other all of our lives. Laughter fills our conversations and I’m truly blessed to have someone to share the not-so-happy stuff with as well. (The not-so-happy stuff is all neurotic!)

Backtracking just a bit… Kim has had to miss karate since Friday, June 13th. During class, we were running line drills (suicides), when she heard a loud POP in her right calf. And that was that. Not looking very happy, she told me that this pain was very familiar and knew that this was not going to be fun. Out on leave since then, Kim has hobbled around with a massive hematoma, her calf turning lovely shades of yellow, green, brown, and purple. Like me and my surgical recovery, she has refused to see her injury as an impediment to receiving her yellow belt in July. Seeing us on the street, you wouldn’t think that we were a couple of “badass” karate mamas, but just give us another year or two!

So, talking about books last night, I mentioned that I was currently reading “American Shaolin” by Matthew Polly. Kim’s eyes lit up and she shared that she was rereading “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. Again, I felt that little excitement of connectivity… What are the chances that we’d both be reading books on martial arts and spirituality at the same time? (Our karate instructor’s daughter once told us that we were “soul sisters”. From the mouths of babes!) We then went to the Peaceful Warrior website and she made me promise to read the book before I added the DVD to my Netflix queue.

Not wanting to give too much of the book away, Kim gave me a taste of the PW philosophy by posing the question: Where are you?

I would guess that 99% of respondents would reply with the obvious, literal answer. Of course, that would be correct, but peel away a few more layers and think about the circumstances that have brought you to where you literally are. Mine are numerous… Childhood abuse, growing up in Texas. (No, growing up in Texas is NOT child abuse.) Marriage, divorce, marriage. Having and raising my own children. The influence of friends and family. Taking the road less traveled and sometimes just following others. Having loved and lost, wondering about love that will never be. That is the essence of HERE.

It was getting late so we said our good-byes, hugs and kisses. The girls were tired and whiny; my husband was tired and whiny. I just wanted to take my Percoset and go to bed. Slowly climbing the stairs, as the whole idea of HERE still echoed in my mind, it was as if the volume had been turned up to “11”. Steve’s yelling at the girls to clean their room “or else” they wouldn’t go to the circus tomorrow for Mel’s birthday. My heart broke because they sounded so pathetic, “Daddy, I’m tired! We promise we’ll clean up in the morning!” I decided to tame Mother Bear and just listen… Shut up and listen. This was very difficult because a part of me WANTED to argue. This was even more odd as Steve and I NEVER argue, but that might explain a lot of our problems as of late. My heart was screaming, “Stop being an asshole! Who gives a shit about their room?!” It’s never been clean for more than half a day, so what gives?

I painfully crawled into my bed, avoiding the use of stomach muscles, hoping that the drugs would kick in soon. Where in the hell am I?

Jumping out of bed, I ran down the hall and snuggled in-between my two little ragamuffins. They were still sobbing silently and again, my heart broke a bit more. Where am I?

Whether it was the drugs or not, I didn’t care, but the clarity of the moment struck me. I am here... Here between the two most important people I couldn’t ever love more deeply in my entire life. The two that give me the reasons for getting up in the morning and doing what I need to do throughout the day. I don’t think there could have been a more perfect here imaginable.

Life is what you make of it. Mine isn’t perfect, there are a few things that I’ve neglected to tend to lately, mainly my marriage. Again, the clarity of the moment illuminated some recent happenings.

1. My husband doesn’t listen to me and I don’t listen to him. I scheduled a small cake and ice cream party at the same time that he had tickets for the circus. Details of the argument aren’t necessary but I did ask him if the time for the party was going to work before I sent out invites, he said it was fine. I ended up feeling hurt and rescheduling the whole thing.
2. We are living on two separate schedules. He works graveyard/12-hour shifts, three to four times a week. When he’s off, he sleeps late and goes to bed even later. Because I teach and am off for the summer, it’s not so bad right now. During the school year, we literally pass each other on the road and don’t see each other for days at a time.
3. My husband has checked out and I don’t know where he is… I’m not sure he even knows where he is. Our talks are very surfacy. He’s not an emotional person but I can honestly say that he doesn’t look happy. What struck me the most was his reaction to my recent hospitalization... There were moments that I would have loved for him to hold my hand, tell me that he loved me, and that he would have been devastated had I not made it through. Not wanting to over-dramatize my medical emergency, I did lose a lot of blood and was in a very serious situation. It’s not that I don’t think he gives a shit, I just don’t think he knows how he feels and how to show it.
With the girls, he tries to be a good daddy. He’s hardly ever around but he tries. It’s gotten to the point where they are very much a product of my discipline and attitude than his. But I can tell that they are really in need of having him around more consistently. (I have evidence but would rather not say.)

Lying there, enjoying my moment of clarity, I decided that I’m okay. I’m good with my life and myself. I have lots of friends and acquaintances whom I love and would bend over backwards for… They are just that great. I’m good with my body and energy… The bedrest will pass quickly and I’ll be on my way to black-belt-hood soon enough. I’m okay with my job. Teaching is great and I teach at a great school. My girls are okay. They are blessed with good health, a decent mom and dad, and they will be fine. I’m a resilient person. With God’s grace, I’m a survivor of many things that have shaken me to the core but have emerged better than I was before.

I know what to do now and have to be gentle and patient in the process.