Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom...

Change of Pace

2008-08-15T20:46:00.002-07:00

So, the hubby is going to be working day shift for the next few weeks. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and think that things will be 100% better than they have been lately. In the last few years, I've finally figured out that sometimes people create their own misery... By expecting too much and idolizing those closest to them. Thus, I’ve deciphered another problem in my marriage.

Recently, we had some friends over for cake and ice cream so we could celebrate my oldest daughter’s birthday. We make these get-togethers a fairly simple affair; I try to serve lots of yummy appetizers and top it off with The Birthday Song and dessert. Although we’ve only done this a four or five times in the last couple of years, I always enjoy the opportunity to entertain, have an adult conversation with more than one person at a time, and not worry about a sitter because all of the kids are playing around the house and having their own fun.

Long story short, my bestest friend K pointed out that that particular evening, the control/perfectionist issue was obvious. I was oblivious to it… Basically, it came down to “how we were going to cut the cake”. I won’t go into details, but basically I said to myself, “Screw this!” and went ahead and did what I needed to do… There was cake and people love cake. Just cut the damn thing so we can EAT!!! LOL.

After that, I began to notice how S has to be right or make a clarification for almost everything that we discuss. Not that this has happened, I can imagine that the conversation would go like this:

M – I just cleaned the bathrooms and made sure that there was extra toilet paper for the guests.
S – Which way did you roll it?
M – What do you mean by “Which way did I roll it?”
S – Well, if you roll it with the paper coming out from underneath, then it makes it harder to wrap around.
M – (Sighs to herself… Whatever!)

S does tend to become the expert on all things, big and small. Just figuring this out makes me feel as if he’s wobbling on the pedestal that I placed him on years ago. My fault, not his.

It is true… A dad is important in influencing how daughters feel about themselves and how they interact with the opposite sex. My mom was a senior in high school when she met my dad. He was a saxophone player in a band and she was crazy about him. Young and naïve, or maybe he was older and sneaky, they eloped and married. I was born about a year later. The only thing I remember about the man that broke my mother’s heart was visiting him in Huntsville, Texas. Eventually, I found out that he was a heroin addict and was in prison for burglary. I guess you’ll do what you have to do if you’re an addict…

There were also a few occasions where he’s pop into town, call mom, and ask if he could come and visit me. I only know about the couple of times that he never showed up. Eventually, she would say "sure" but not tell me that he had called, knowing that he’d bail out.

My stepfather was no better… He was an alcoholic and abused our family in more ways that most “normal” people could imagine. Again, I saw that mom put up with a man, and I use that term loosely, that would almost beat her within an inch of her life and attempt to take my brother as a bonus. So much for having a daddy…

Needless to say, I figured out in college that I needed help and was very successful in my PTSD recovery. To this day, I feel that things happened the way they did as a reminder of how grateful we must be for love and friendship, and that with hard work and determination, anyone can overcome anything.

I’ve often wondered how my past has affected the decisions I’ve made as an adult. Hopefully, I can explain this and it will make sense. S is symbolic of security, stability, and safety. Here’s the tricky part. If they are lucky, women will become comfortable with their sexuality BEFORE they get married. Read: That DOES NOT mean having pre-marital sex. Having knowledge of how the psyche works, especially in those people whose normal development has been “stunted” due to traumatic events in their past, I am in a totally different place than I was when I married seven years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I seem to think that my husband is attractive. He is very charming when he flirts and I have no doubt that he could make the average woman swoon. (I’m not implying that he’s doing that now!!)

I feel as I’ve gone from insecure little girl to a woman with some clues about life… But, I’m still trying to figure out why S no longer “fits the bill”, so to speak, other than the fact that he has become distant.

The other night, I thought about smothering him with his Temperpedic pillow in his sleep. Since this past January, I have gone from 128 to my current 112 pounds. (I’m only 5’1”; some people might argue that the 1” is an exaggeration.) Although I consider myself a little jiggly in all the wrong places, what woman doesn’t, I though I looked like a hot mom. Anyway, I had found a bargain, a very cute but simple little lacy thing to wear to bed, black. Cute! (Not in a “Hey, look at that cute puppy!” but really in a sexy kinda way.)

S – Did you just buy that?
M – Why, yes I did… You like??
S – (Rolls over and goes to sleep.)

The preceding account is NOT a fictitious happening. I’m still shaking my head on that one. Why? Not because I was disappointed, but mostly because I WASN'T. Makes no sense to me. I'm sure someone out there will read this and shed some light...

It would be a truly amazing thing if we could see ourselves as others do. Blogging - Another wonder of the 21st century!! Some might be mortified by what they would see, but I believe that most people would actually love and respect the person that they see, warts and all.

Love Is Blue...

2008-08-10T20:09:00.005-07:00

Friday was a roller coaster… I spent the last day of freedom, aka “medical leave”, hanging out with a friend, tested and passed my yellow belt exam (Heck yeah!), and had a soul-searching conversation with my friend and her hubby. I really owe a lot to all of my friends. During what seems to be a transitional period in my life, they’ve been there to offer support, a shoulder to cry on, and sound advice.

I’m stuck and in trouble…

Stuck because I have some decisions to make and, in either scenario, there will be tears shed, gnashing of teeth, and lots of heartbreak. How does one decide that enough is enough?

Here’s what’s at stake:
* A seven year marriage
* My sanity
* My children’s sanity

I’ve tried so hard and patiently on the marriage, especially in the last couple of months or so. I love my husband but I find him incapable of giving me what I need… emotional support and intimacy. (Hence the old cliché, “I love you but am not in love with you.”)

We actually met online in August of 1999. Newly separated from a former husband, June 30th marked the day that I moved from Lubbock to Albuquerque, with aspirations of continuing my education and performing careers by teaching 5th grade and joining a mariachi. Looking to find some gigs quickly, I placed a “friends” ad on a popular website and started meeting people to hang out with.

S. was in a rock band and looking for a violinist to be featured on a song that he had written for the CD they were recording. We met at a pottery shop and made a couple of items. Smart guy: The second date was set because we would need to pick up the pieces we made the next week. From there, we’d see each other every few days or so, but within a couple of weeks, The Company would send him to Phoenix for training that would last a few months.

I was still going on a few dates here and there and meeting more people… Being single was pretty good, much better than my college days. At least I didn’t have to wait for $1 drink night if I wanted to go out dancing with the gals and I could afford to do more than just that. I actually went on my first fishing trip, hung out with a singles group that was part of a local religious organization (I miss board game nite!), met friends for dinner at places with real food (Steak!!), and got to visit an Indian reservation on one of their feast days.

Meanwhile, S. and I kept up with each other via e-mail and a phone call every few days. I liked this arrangement because I didn’t feel smothered and he was one of the first guys that I had ever maintained a quasi-dating relationship with that was very comfortable and platonic.
About late September, he started driving home to Albuquerque every couple of weeks on his days off… No easy feat as he only had a few days and the drive was pretty lonely and long. Still, things were very simple yet nice, and we were still being good, wink-wink. Then, in about mid-October, things got to the next level, we were officially dating each other exclusively. In a way, I was surprised at smoothly the relationship was still going. One of my good friends at the time, Bill, was sort of a mentor, although he was at least 10 years younger, gave me advice and helped decode the mystery known as the single man. (We joked that because S. was thin, neat, and single, he must be gay… Why else would he not have tried to hit on me for a couple of months?)

S. called me up one day and asked if I would fly out there for a weekend visit. I panicked. Calling up Bill crying, I told him that I was going to break things off and that I couldn’t take this relationship any further. Stunned, he asked why I would do such a silly thing.
“It’s the other shoe… When it drops, I just don’t know if I could take the heartbreak.” Bill just laughed sweetly and asked why I would think such a thing. “All men are @ssholes and there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. This one has just gone way too smoothly.” Then he talked to sense into me. “Because he hasn’t done anything to disrespect or harm you, and you enjoy being with him, you owe him the benefit of the doubt. Go out to Phoenix and see what happens. Then you can make this decision.”

I arrived early one morning at Sky Harbor with S. waiting there for me. We went directly to the suite he was living in, but he said that I should go ahead and leave my suitcase in the car. We rested and talked for a few minutes and then announced that we would be going to the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Wow! What a surprise! It was fall and the weather and scenery was going to be just fabulous. I couldn’t wait!

Right before our arrival at the hotel, he asked if I would need a separate room or not. I went out on a limb and told him that one room was fine. Could that have been my rubicon??

The weekend was pleasant, but short, and I was glad that I had made the decision to give him a chance. Arriving home, life was back to normal. S. continued to drive back and forth on his days off and I’d keep busy teaching during the week. I hated the evenings alone but knew that his stint in Phoenix would be over soon enough.

Thanksgiving came and went… We decorated my little Christmas tree and roasted marshmallows in my tiny fireplace. The next morning, a gift waited for me: A shop vac. I had never lit a fire before in that apartment, not wanting to deal with the mess afterwards, but now I could enjoy a cozy evening anytime I wanted. I’m still perplexed by that one.

December was quickly approaching and S. would soon be home for good. Back in Lubbock, my cousin’s daughter was not doing well. She was suffering from a fatal lung disease and was in the final stages of her battle. I was especially heartbroken for her as this was her senior year in high school, with plans to continue as an education major at Texas Tech. Over the last few years, Margaret would help me set up my classroom each year and was looking forward to having her own class one day.

Not knowing if it was the stress from Marge’s condition, teaching, and the holiday season, I began to feel run down… And, although I had faithfully taken The Pill for years now, I was late for the very first time. I mustered up some courage and bought a pregnancy test, and of course, the first signs of what was to be my little Kait, appeared as a plus-sign in the little window.

Panic… I called my mom, crying, and she assured me that everything was going to be alright. (I would be 33 years old in about a month; She was secretly pleased that I, her eldest, would finally be giving her a grandchild.) We talked and made some tentative plans and I felt better afterwards as most moms are apt to do.

I dared not say a thing to S. until he was home for good, which would be in exactly 1 week to the day, which would happen to pass very s-l-o-w-l-y. Leaving a message on his machine the day before, I asked him to call me as soon as he arrived into town. Having had a long day of driving, he went straight to bed without calling. When I had the left the message, I tried very hard to hide the sense of urgency in my voice, but could no longer keep my situation a secret. He asked if I could let him sleep for a few hours and come by later. Although I had work early the next morning, I agreed and I killed time at a coffeehouse, rehearsing what I was going to say and predict how this was all going to come down.

The Plan:
1. Assure S. that this was indeed an “accident”… Getting pregnant was not expected and that he need only be involved if that is his true intent.
2. If he did not want to be a part of my pregnancy and a daddy, I would be moving to California so I could get support from my family, especially my mom.
3. An abortion would be out of the question.

So, I get there and he’s still quite groggy… The room is dark and I laid down next to him, my heart pounding in fear. Finally mustering the courage, I made my announcement…
His words? Shit. I had obviously given him news that he hadn’t expected. Then the next unexpected action took place.

“What do you want?”

At first, I didn’t really understand the question but then the truth revealed itself: He wanted to know what would make me happy about being pregnant with his child and what I wanted my future to look like. Having grown up without a dad, I knew immediately. I wanted my child to grow up with a father, someone who would be there and to create a better life for this little one than the one I had.

Our decision was made and we immediately started looking at houses and planning for a wedding and the new baby. I have to admit, it was all very exciting and time seemed to move quickly. Kaitlyn was born months later in August of 2000 and we were married January 2001.

Looking back at the last several years, I can honestly say that there was only a few times that I ever felt “madly” in love… Mostly, we’ve maintained a relationship with mutual trust and respect and have played the roles of husband/wife and daddy/mommy to the best of our abilities. But, unfortunately, I’ve never felt that he was my soul mate and I doubt that he feels the same way about me, although he would probably never admit it. (I think I know who his soul mate is, but from what I know, he never pursued a relationship with her because he claims that they were both too much alike… stubborn and hot-tempered.)

I can tell that he is not happy and has not even bothered to ask about my unhappiness, although I’ve already tried letting him know how I feel. When I ask him about his funk, he claims that the only thing wrong is that he’s tired that the house is a mess. (Can you say COP OUT??) Our home is not dirty, nor is it a mess, but it is not perfect. He would never admit to it, but he is truly a perfectionist and it’s key to what is happening right now. I’m not perfect and the girls aren’t either. I am who I am and he cannot expect me to change… I try the best that I can but the state of my closets is the last thing I want to deal with right now, or ever for that matter. Life is too short.

On his days off, he is usually ill with migraines or stomach concerns, busy doing “stuff”, or on the computer. I’m not stupid… The signs are all there. I know from enough experience that there is a stressor causing his health issues and his distance is an avoidance of intimacy.

I’m not sure how to get him to admit it other than screaming at the top of my lungs:
“WE’RE NOT HAPPY AND WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT??”

I’m tired and exhausted…
My kids are acting out.
S. and I have opposite schedules.
The daddy that I wanted for them is never around.

I look around and see a nice home filled with nice things. I am proud of the fact that my husband is a hard worker and would work even harder to give us the material things that we want. But, I would give it all up to go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning next to someone that not only loves me but feels a fire and passion for our life together.

I grew up dirt poor; this is not an exaggeration. Not having the things you need sucks, especially if you have kids. With God’s help, He’s given me the talents and the strength
to work hard to get the things that I've needed and would continue to do so.

I’m stuck because fear is one of the most crippling emotions.

Timing Is Everything

2008-07-30T21:22:00.003-07:00

This year I discovered that I was a “Fire Horse Woman”; I’m not one to believe in astrology, but thought it was interesting enough to research. Basically, author Janis Cortese has this to say:

“Fire Horse women are called dangerous, headstrong, and are seen as deadly to men. This may sound quaint to western ears, but the 1906 Japanese herd was subjected to poverty and starvation because they could not marry… Fire Horses are seen as outgoing, people-loving, ambitious, rebellious, and independent. They are supposedly freedom-loving and impossible to contain… While ambition and independence are prized as ingredients for success nowadays, they were never seen as ideal female qualities.”

So I guess timing is everything… Had I been born almost 100 years ago, I’d be pretty much screwed. (As a petite woman, I have to giggle to myself thinking that I could be devastating or harmful to a man in any way, shape, or form.)

Cortese continues:
“These all sound like perfectly fine qualities to the westerner, especially to Americans, since our culture prizes individualism, but in other societies, these are not necessarily good qualities. They are especially disliked in women; wives are supposed to be submissive and dependent, not ambitious or headstrong, and that belief is not uncommon in Western cultures, either.”

Therein lies the problem… Ambitious and headstrong. I’ve always been one to go after what I want and to make things happen to reach my goals. In some cases, this is not always the most prudent thing to do.

I would love to learn how to still my mind and to be accepting of what is… Compared to many folks out there, my life is great. The mistake I make is wanting more and thinking that it would be the solution to the yearning and unrest I feel inside. But, to be honest, I’ve felt this ache before and know that no good comes from it.

Unlike real horses, hinoeuma women cannot jump the fence and leave everything behind. Breathe and be still…

All I could say was, "D-A-M-N woman!!"

2008-07-22T21:22:00.008-07:00

Okay, I’ll admit it; I’m vain and concerned about hitting the mid-century mark. Although it’s still about 8 ½ years away, knowing how quickly time files, it lurks like a crack head scoping out an easy house. (Strangely enough, I actually saw someone that looked like a crack head walking down the street carrying a large, “analog” computer monitor a couple of days ago. Calling the non-emergency law enforcement number didn’t seem to make much of a difference… So much for the neighborhood watch here in “God-forsaken Copper Basin”.)

Having a few minutes to myself as the hubby/children are out picking up our latest acquisition, a ball snake, I delighted in looking up “trash”… My secret, little pleasure? Go Fug Yourself: Where Fugly is the New Pretty. It’s amazing. No matter how rich, famous, and beautiful you may be, you cannot pull off wearing a Hefty trash bag with cowboy boots and a tiara and call it haute couture.

Looking at pics, grateful that I don’t have the money to buy overpriced crap, yeah right, I stumbled onto this:

OMG! Ms. Mirren is a hot senior citizen... Maybe there’s still hope for me in the next 20 years or so, but who's really counting!??

BTW, Helen Mirren won the Oscar in 2006, looking like this:

Dame Helen Mirren will be 63 years old in four days! (She was born July 26, 1945; please correct my math if I’m wrong!) Very impressive, no??

Thankfully for us mid-aged women, there's no shame in moving along from "hot babe", to "hot mom", to "hot grandma"... How oxymoronic! :-)

In a Saucy Mood...

2008-07-19T18:25:00.009-07:00

Call me moody... I think the last couple of posts were so morose. How about some levity in the form of "Hunk-fest"??

One of my girlfriends from school and I were discussing movies the other day and we came up with our Top Hunks. There is actually no preferred order, but if any of them came up to me and asked me to run away with him, I doubt I'd say no, LOL.

1. "Big Ben" Roethlisberger

Ben is one reason I've become more of an avid Steelers fan. Ben was able to take the initiative and lead his team to a Super Bowl win very early in his career.

I know he's not a movie star but there is no way I could leave him off of this distinguished list. (Like I really have influence on pop/sports culture.)

2. "Gorgeous George" Clooney
Be still my beating heart! There has never been an actor with so much talent, good looks, and heart... I thinks he's pretty smart, too.

Dr. Doug Ross was the reason I was a faithful ER viewer. Although I did manage to watch for a couple more seasons, it wasn't the same without him... Even if he could be a jerk!

3. Johnny "Delish" Depp

He's up there with Clooney... talent, brains, and looks. I love his quirkiness and willingness to act outside of the box.

Although I particularly like this polished version of Depp, he still pretty attractive when he's unshaven, long-haired, and wild looking. No complaints here.

4. Jeremy Piven

I think The Gap made a wise decision when they chose him for this photo shoot.

If you aren't too familiar with Jeremy, revisit "Very Bad Things". (He's the guy that accidentally kills the prostitute in the hotel bathroom.)

Just a bit of trivia: On "Seinfeld", he was the actor that read for the part of "George Costanza" when they got their own show about nothing.

Honorable Mention: Shia LaBeouf

I'm not a cougar, but if I were about 20 years younger, Shia would be closer to the top of my list.

It took a double-take to realize that this was the dorky kid from "Even Stevens". Thank goodness he's grown into a handsome young man... He could have ended up like Dustin "Screech" Diamond, how sad!!

Although this is all in vain, feel free to hook me up if you know any of these fine gents... Just give me enough time to find a sitter and come up with an alibi.

One Evening at a Time...

2008-07-17T19:18:00.006-07:00

Looking at the clock, it’s only 6:17… How am I going to keep sane tonight? As always, I was doing a lot of thinking about my life and wondering if this (my life & my marriage) is really all there is. Even before we started dating, my husband had always worked graveyard, 12-hour shifts. There was even an occasion that he was sent out of state for a couple of months. Tonight is even more upsetting than most, I don’t know why, so I decided to write and see if I could figure out why in the hell I’m feeling this devastated.

In the past, I’ve always joked that his work situation has actually been the reason we’ve stayed married. Not too much “smothering” and someone to look forward to seeing every four days or so. Lately, it just seems as if it’s taking its’ toll. I hate admitting that I’m human and this loneliness is beginning to frustrate the hell out of me. I’ve know women in this same situation that have resorted to having an affair, anything to fill that void, I guess. If I didn’t care so much, or maybe just a bit more selfish, I probably would have already done so by now.

The vulnerability I’m feeling right now has me stumped as well… My recovery from the surgery has been fine other than the fact that I hate not being able to give 110% physically. Being on doctor’s orders to rest has brought to light the fact that I was actually a lot more active before the surgery than I thought. Having to opt out of belt testing this weekend doesn’t help either, but at least I’ll be able to do the make-up in August.

I’m also trying to maintain my composure as I type this… I wonder how many times my girls have looked and me and thought, “My mother’s crazy… sometimes she just cries.” What kind of example am I setting for them? Do they see me as strong, willing to put up with this part-time, single mom lifestyle because I promised my husband “until death do us part” or am just too weak to do anything else?

The lyrics of “Soul Mate” by Natasha Bedingfield comes to mind:
“Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,
If there's a soul mate for everyone?”

How is it that I’m not alone, but oh, so lonely right now??

Okay, this is more food for thought, no pun intended… I kid you not, I just opened my fortune cookie from dinner and found this:
Lord knows I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I can't demand that my husband work days without leaving his job. As a matter of fact, he had his name added to "The List" to move to day shift when my oldest was born, almost 8 years ago. He's actually at the top of it now... It'll mean a cut in pay (about -15%), but I see it as being worth every dollar. (This technology company is world famous, you've seen their commercials. Leaving the company is out of the question, especially with this economy.)

I refuse to believe that my well is dried up... But my heart is breaking; maybe a leak?? I want someone to tuck in my girls at night with me and then enjoy some quiet together time as lovers. I would give anything to be held right now, to be told that I could rest easy tonight and not have to go to bed alone. Is that what "Normal" couples do or am I just asking for too much?

It's now 7:34... only 11 more hours to go.

Whatever Happened to “What’s His Name”??

2008-07-14T20:45:00.005-07:00

Okay, I’m full of it... “He” has a name. I’ll go ahead and call him by his first name: Bert. My friend and I were looking at high school yearbooks last week and we happened to move onto the topic of our first loves. Not really sure about love at first sight, there's usually a look, something said, or not said, or even just a smile that gets my attention. (Most Aquarians are friends first… Love comes MUCH later.) I don’t want to say that there were many suitors, but there have been a few that I had to really stay away from due to the fact that they moved too quickly, were too possessive, or just needed too much. Being Hispanic I can say this, or can I? I hated dating within my own race because most of the boys I grew up with were “mama’s boys” and, just like their dads, very controlling and planning for the ten or twelve kids they wanted you to pop out. No thanks! My plans had always included going to college, not having kids until I was in my 30’s, and getting out of Lubbock, Texas. Since I’ve done all three, I guess I followed through pretty well.

In high school, I really didn’t fit into any one crowd; I actually enjoyed hanging out with peeps from the band, the tennis team, the journalism crowd, the “punks”, and mostly with the orchestra geeks… I was one of them. When I try, I can’t really remember when I first noticed Bert. (I won't give you his last name as it is Jewish and you could definitely find him if you did a Google search.) He was a year ahead of me and was a viola player in the orchestra when I got to Lubbock High School in ’82 as a sophomore. (Freshmen attended junior high, very strange.) There was nothing really remarkable about his appearance. I thought he had very brown, but thoughtful eyes. What I do really remember was the fact that he had an incredible sense of humor: very dry, witty, nothing outrageous, intelligent. He was very unlike many of the other kids I knew. Although not too concerned with how he dressed, Bert wasn’t a slob… Generally, a pair of Lee jeans, a tee, and a button up shirt, oh, of course, his trademark brown leather “Ivy” cap. Overall, on the cuteness scale, I’d give him about an 8.5.

Poor guy, I crushed on him for years. He actually took me to his senior prom in ’84, but by that next year, he was living in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, failing out of UT Arlington, if I recall correctly. Bert actually moved back home a couple of times, either living with his mom and sis, or with our mutual friend Kevin. During the 4 to 5 years we pseudo-dated, there were many drunken conversations… He admitted that he was “emotionally retarded” and I knew that I was scared to death of being in a serious relationship, never mind how badly I wanted to commit to him. We never had sex, we were both too scared and stupid, and we only stole a few kisses here and there. Not to say that I didn’t have a few boyfriends during this time. The majority of those relationships were out of “convenience”… At least I was going out to football games, dances, parties, having a good time and not looking too much like a nerd.

Right after high school, I got into my first serious relationship. Soon thereafter, Bert joined the Air Force. I’m not sure exactly precipitated this decision, but I’m sure a lot of it had to do with his father and growing up the son of retired AF. (Dr.R was a jerk to his son and his family. On prom night, I remember him making some smart ass comment about Bert and I having ham and cheese sandwiches, knowing full and well that his son had saved and scrimped to make sure we had the best of everything that night.)
Once that relationship ended, I had Bert on the brain again and tracked him at Eglin AFB in Florida. The one thing I remember about that call was that he was absolutely floored to hear from me. “Oh, you just made my night… No, my life”!

We ended up with the same cycle of wanting each other but not knowing how to approach the subject and situation. Basically, it came down to us calling each other when we had a little too much to drink and talking about how we should have done things differently in high school. A couple of times, his best friend would call me and tell me how much Bert really missed me and that I needed to go out there. His buddies on base even tried persuading me by offering to buy my plane ticket out there. One time, Bert even broke down himself and asked me to go. I just never had the nerve.

After his return from his tour in Panama, Bert decided to visit Lubbock, although he hated the town with a passion. I had a party with some friends from high school and a couple of days later, he took off to DFW to see some old friends. This time, he convinced me to meet him there so we could hang out before he had to return to Florida. I flew out and the time we spent together flew. Once again, we never “consummated” our relationship and again, I was crushed that he was once again out of my life.

Like the time after high school, I began another serious relationship, and after dating the idiot for five years on-and-off, we ended up eloping in Vegas. There were so many things that were WRONG about that marriage. Just the fact that we couldn’t stay together steadily for five years preceding the marriage, should have been the biggest clue that it was not meant to be. (Fortunately, we didn’t have children so ripping off that band-aid was very easy.)

I still think about Bert sometimes. Not wondering what could have been, but hoping that he eventually found some peace and happiness in his life. He truly deserves it. As for me, it took lots and lots of work to finally become healthy enough to have a decent marriage… In ways it’s not perfect, but is a work in progress.

Me and My Friend Gina (pronounced JY-nah)

2008-07-11T22:05:00.007-07:00

This post is not for the faint of heart... nor the faint of vajayjay, "my little flower", chomito (cho-MEE-toh), muffwich, coochie, love canal or hoo-hah. (Feel free to submit your own euphemisms at will... I believe our family is the only one to use "chomito" so please be sure to cite your source if you decide to start using this one.) As an added bonus, I highly encourage you to play, "Find the Hidden Innuendos" as you read today's entry.

This is uncharted territory, at least in my blog, to talk about what's going on "downstairs". As you my faithful readers recall, or at least the one or two people who happened to drop by and comment, I had to have emergency surgery to stop hemorraging from a blown fallopian tube (ruptured ectopic pregnancy) in the wee hours of June 25th.

My first post-op appointment was this last Tuesday. It was nice to see that Dr. N didn't recognize me: "You look TERRIFIC! Nothing like you did when I saw you before surgery." I must have looked really bad; I guess losing a liter or so of blood will do that to you. So, we had the standard "How Are You Feeling?/Stay Off of Your Feet/See you in 1 Month" talk. Just to be sure that I would be covered to go back to karate and work, I asked for a release:

Notice, I'm not allowed to return to "full duty" until August 6th... That's forever in busy teacher/mom/person time!

When I go back for my post-post op visit on August 4th, my daughter's birthday, I need to have some decisions made. Notice I didn't say "we"... Since I've been flirting with danger lately, yes, some tomatoes can be lethal and I refuse to stop running with scissors, I'd like for S. to have some options should I meet my untimely demise via some strange dishwasher/toaster oven accident. (He has already asked for my blessing to re-marry should that happen; His added hubby/daddy duties have kept him a bit more busy than usual and has made him more appreciative of me.) Anyway, look at the old fogeys like Hugh Hefner and Regis Philbin; those fertile whores! I'm not saying it's easy for those older swimmers to get up there but they've got potential.

Basically, Dr. N made it clear: I should never get pregnant again due to the high risk involved. I could conceive if I wanted to, but to do so would really be stupid. Thus, I have to refrain from the horizontal mambo, the old slap 'n tickle, shag-a-rama, or (insert your euphemism here) for at least another month or two. If I calculate correctly, MOST women (at least 51%) would welcome this circumstance, not having intercourse. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I promise to get back to this topic in a sec, please continue reading and get through the medical stuff first... Wink, wink!

What's great about 21st century medicine are the options that are available for birth control. Some of you who know I'm Catholic will immediately see the contradiction in this situation... Let me backtrack and clarify. After the birth of our first daughter, we signed up for and completed NFP (sympto-thermal) training. No, this is NOT the "rhythm method". It's a bit more complicated than than. Our second child was planned to the month, believe it or not. The difficulty with this method is that now that I've been peri-menopausal for the last few years, my "sympto-thermal" stuff is off. It sucks getting old.

Here's the hard part: In order to stay healthy, I have to trade in my fertility, permanently, for sex. If you're a man, LOL, I already know what you're thinking, what's there to question? Sex is the winner! But for me, the thought of never, ever being able to have another child is incredibly scary, but so is having sex and getting pregnant. Oh, the horror of it all! Hump or Death? Hump or Death? Hump or Death? It's Motherhood vs. Me.

The whole idea of having to deliberate this decision almost seems silly, right? Basically, the best choice for me is to have some type of clamp or spring implanted to block off my remaining tube. (My other choice is a mostly progesterone-based pill, not 100% effective, and I'm too high risk for the new "plastic/med" based IUD.)

Maybe it's because I'm so tired of having to have my lady-parts messed with again. (I went through a miscarriage the summer of 2005; I stopped going to a particular OB/GYN practice because of the non-chalant attidude of the PA that was assigned to me during that ordeal.) Basically, I'm looking at a day surgery situation with more discomfort. Oh, joy.

Okay, I promised the sex talk. This "abstinence" crap is for the birds! If you hadn't noticed, the blog description mentions that I'm "40'ish"... Ladies, just you wait. When you get there, be sure to embrace the new found "sexiness" that will hit you, and it WILL hit you hard! Just a piece of advice for any of you younger ladies out there, that means 20'ish and above, preferably married or in a monogamous situation, get to know and be very comfortable with yourself! Men, if you want a crazy, mid-life wife, be gentle and encouraging. It's been a long, hard journey to get to where I am. Thus, the dilemma. Raging hormones and attitude but no sex. No sex until I've been "fixed". Need to go through mental/physical pain as part of the procedure of permanent sterilization. Yeah, it sucks getting old.

Sex isn't everything but I'd say almost... My friend Gina is very important to me. She's that connection between my own sexuality and womanhood and the miracle of procreation. She reinforces the concept of immortality through my progeny. Even though I'm not planning on sending Gina away anywhere, I guess I just need to get over fears and give my fertility a permanent vacation.

B-O-R-E-D!!!

2008-07-09T21:02:00.010-07:00

I found a "celebrity look-alike" program so I thought I'd throw myself and the girls in. It's free so it's worth checking out for a giggle or two.

Me, the oldest one - I guess looking like MTM isn't bad as long as it isn't one of her most recent pics. As far as Lucy Liu, I ran a couple of other pics, and I matched several Asian actresses, many whom I've never heard of. When I worked graveyard at the post office during college, this one supervisor used to swear I was half-Japanese. Maybe I need to get my mom drunk and give her the 3rd degree.

Kait - Now, I don't know who the heck this Meredith Monroe person is but if I had a dollar for every time someone commented on how much Kait looked like "Mary Kate & Ashley" when she was a baby, we'd be almost as rich as they are. As far as Ms. Reid (click at your own peril) goes, if my daughter ever decides to follow in her footsteps, I WILL have her general "hoo-hah" area barracaded by a steel chastity belt and keep all plastic surgeons at least a 100-mile radius out of reach. Lisa Kudrow graduated with a BS in Biology, so I'm good with that.

Mel: I don't see us having problems with boys when it comes to Mel... She never stops talking; I've noticed that members of the male persuasion don't like that. Being really bossy doesn't help much either. But she looks so S-W-E-E-T!

Mel has also done really well in Kenpo... Like I said before, boys won't be a problem unless she allows it.

As far as celebs go, I'm really surprised that Meg Ryan didn't come up. There are times that she smiles and it really comes out.

Anyway, if you happen to catch this post and do your own celebrity match, send me your pics, I'd love to see them!

Ciao for now,

Mon :-)

Unhappy Birthday, America! (NOT!)

2008-07-05T21:16:00.018-07:00

I was going to post the article that can be accessed by clicking on today's title, "Unhappy Birthday, America!", but found that SOME of it wasn't worth the space it would have taken up.

Basically, members from the Arizona Optimist Club got together to celebrate the 4th and ended up bitching about the state of affairs here in the good ol' US of A. (I think the reporter made them do it.)
In case you haven't noticed how things have been going, here are the latest stats based on public opinion:IMHO, I think optimism is all a matter of perspective. (Duh!) No really.

You know, the "glass was half-empty before it got knocked over, tumbled onto the tile floor, and shattered into a million tiny pieces"? Pieces so tiny that SOMEONE here in my home, most likely my husband, will actually step on it, LOL??

Rest assured, towards the end of the interview, I think someone came by, bitch-slapped them and they got back on track. God Bless America!!

And now my photo essay:

"Why We Need to Get More Optimists to Spread the Word"

aka "Things Really Aren't As Bad As They Seem"

(based on quotes from the article)

Photo #1: "My God, it's horrible, it really is," a 33-year-old (farmer) says, adding: "If diesel goes north of five, it will be really difficult at the price we're getting to stay in farming."

Photo #2: "We used to have more money than we knew what to do with. Now, I have to decide: Do I pay the electric this week? Do I pay for gas? Do I get groceries?"
Photo #3: "You can't get ahead. You can't save money. You can't buy a house. It just stinks."
Photo #4: "You have no faith in anybody at the top. I don't trust anybody, and I'm really disgusted about it."

Photo #5: "How am I, a little old West Virginia girl, going to go out and change the world?"

And here comes the infamous bitchslap...

Photo #6: ...condemns an "out of style" values system, in which even kids have cell phones, credit card debt is out of control and families purchase four-bedroom homes they can't afford instead of the two-bedroom ones they could. (Also read as, "Many times we create our own problems."

Photo #7: "Very few Americans wake up in the morning and say, 'This is an unbelievable country. I'm going to go to the supermarket, and there's going to be food. When I go and vote, nobody's going to beat me up,'" he says. "We're horrible at appreciating the status quo. We're really good at appreciating positive changes."

Photo #8: "Did I cringe when I filled my car last week? Yes," she says. "But 100 years from now, if I were still alive, would I really care that I paid $4 a gallon for gas? No. I care (that) my grandbaby is safe and she's well and she has a good place to live. Your joy can't be about your circumstances."

So there you go... Hope you had a safe and happy holiday! Remember to hug your kids, the spouse, your dogs, lizard, and friends. I did...

Love and life in the USA is awesome!

I Heart Dave...

2008-07-04T01:54:00.006-07:00

I've always had an eclectic taste in music... other than country, I listen to just about everything that has a great "hook", melody, or vocals. (When cleaning the house, "Siriusly Sinatra" is an absolute must!) Reluctantly I must admit that I really like Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift. Maybe my Zoloft needs to be upped, LOL.

Having always listened to metal, Megadeth has got to be one of my favorite bands. I've seen Dave Mustaine at least three times and actually got to meet him backstage once. (He was part of a promotion to help out our local food bank; donate x cans of food, get a pass.) What I'll always remember is that he asked what I did and told him that I was finishing up student teaching. During his heartfelt hug, he wished me luck, "God bless you for being a teacher! We need more people like you in the world." Blush!

Still recovering from last week's surgery, I happened to find Mel Brook's "History of the World - Part I" on the tube. There are so many hilarious one-liners I can't even begin... And now you're wondering, "What the hell does this have to do with Dave Mustaine????"

If you remember, in the French Revolution section of the film, Cloris Leachman plays Madame Defarge. Blame it on late night stupor, I swear Madame D and Dave could have been separated at birth.I rest my case...

"Taekwondo Changed My Life" Says Megadeth Leader Dave Mustaine
Written by TheSeoul Times
Sunday, 28 October 2007
U.S. "legendary" thrash metal band Megadeth leader Dave Mustaine says that his life has changed for the better mainly thanks to taekwondo.
Members of the legendary U.S. thrash band in taekwondo uniform are in taekwondo motion, shortly afrter Megadeth leader Dave Mustaine (second from left) received a certificate of appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador in a ceremony at a Seoul hotel on Oct. 27, 2007.
"Taekwondo is a great discipline. For me, it was one of the things that changed my life," Mustaine said in a recent interview. "It (taekwondo) helped me to eliminate a bad lifestyle of drug and alcoholism. It helped me to believe inside of myself and find the strength inside of myself that I never knew that I possessed."
Mustaine made the remarks at the Grand InterContinental Hotel in Seoul on Oct. 27, 2007, shortly after he received a certificate of appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador of the World in a ceremony.
Mustaine and three other Megadeth band members – bassist James LoMenzo, guitarist Glen Drover and his brother Shawn Drover - arrived in Seoul on Oct. 27 for their concert at the Olympic Hall of Olympic Park in Seoul on Oct. 28. For Megadeth, it was their fourth concert for Korean fans.
"For me, it is a big responsibility and I am going to represent the WTF the best I can," Mustaine said of his appointment as the WTF's Goodwill Ambassador. "I am really excited to be the WTF Goodwill Ambassador."
Mustaine said that taekwondo is "the source of his confidence in his life."
He is a 1st Dan black-belt holder.
He said, "I know that there are a lot of young people around the world that look up to me and I think this is a great discipline."
Mustaine said he started training taekwondo in 1999 in Arizona and then moved to California, where he now lives. "Before taking up taekwondo, I practiced kungfu and other martial arts."
As a pioneer of the American thrash metal movement, Megadeth rose to international fame in the mid 1980s, but was plagued by constant lineup changes, partly due to Mustaine's and fellow band members' notorious substance abuse problems. After finding sobriety and securing a stable lineup, Megadeth went on to release a string of platinum and gold albums between 1986 and 1997.
Megadeth disbanded in 2002 after Mustaine suffered a severe nerve injury to his left arm. After 17 months of extensive physical therapy and intensive taekwondo training, Mustaine reorganized the band in 2004.

Personality by Horoscope... Because it's on the Internet, you know it's gotta be true.

2008-07-02T20:25:00.006-07:00

CAPRICORN (December 22 -January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pieces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.

ARIES (March 2 - April 20) You are the pioneer and hold most of people in contempt. You are quick tempered and impatient and scornful of advice. You are an asshat.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a G-D Communist.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth sh**.

LEO (July 24 - August 23) You consider yourself a born leader, Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting; Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (August 24 - September 23) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23) You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent, because most Libra women are whores. All Libras usually get venereal disease.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting f*****.

Where Are You?? No, Really… WHERE ARE YOU?

2008-06-29T12:38:00.003-07:00

One of my best gal pals and I got together last night to catch up. The previous visit was just before my hospital adventure and the kids needed some play time as well. Kim and I met in Kenpo class back in March and have been pretty much inseparable since then. It’s not often, but truly amazing when you happen to meet someone that you “click” with such immediacy, almost as if we’ve known each other all of our lives. Laughter fills our conversations and I’m truly blessed to have someone to share the not-so-happy stuff with as well. (The not-so-happy stuff is all neurotic!)

Backtracking just a bit… Kim has had to miss karate since Friday, June 13th. During class, we were running line drills (suicides), when she heard a loud POP in her right calf. And that was that. Not looking very happy, she told me that this pain was very familiar and knew that this was not going to be fun. Out on leave since then, Kim has hobbled around with a massive hematoma, her calf turning lovely shades of yellow, green, brown, and purple. Like me and my surgical recovery, she has refused to see her injury as an impediment to receiving her yellow belt in July. Seeing us on the street, you wouldn’t think that we were a couple of “badass” karate mamas, but just give us another year or two!

So, talking about books last night, I mentioned that I was currently reading “American Shaolin” by Matthew Polly. Kim’s eyes lit up and she shared that she was rereading “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. Again, I felt that little excitement of connectivity… What are the chances that we’d both be reading books on martial arts and spirituality at the same time? (Our karate instructor’s daughter once told us that we were “soul sisters”. From the mouths of babes!) We then went to the Peaceful Warrior website and she made me promise to read the book before I added the DVD to my Netflix queue.

Not wanting to give too much of the book away, Kim gave me a taste of the PW philosophy by posing the question: Where are you?

I would guess that 99% of respondents would reply with the obvious, literal answer. Of course, that would be correct, but peel away a few more layers and think about the circumstances that have brought you to where you literally are. Mine are numerous… Childhood abuse, growing up in Texas. (No, growing up in Texas is NOT child abuse.) Marriage, divorce, marriage. Having and raising my own children. The influence of friends and family. Taking the road less traveled and sometimes just following others. Having loved and lost, wondering about love that will never be. That is the essence of HERE.

It was getting late so we said our good-byes, hugs and kisses. The girls were tired and whiny; my husband was tired and whiny. I just wanted to take my Percoset and go to bed. Slowly climbing the stairs, as the whole idea of HERE still echoed in my mind, it was as if the volume had been turned up to “11”. Steve’s yelling at the girls to clean their room “or else” they wouldn’t go to the circus tomorrow for Mel’s birthday. My heart broke because they sounded so pathetic, “Daddy, I’m tired! We promise we’ll clean up in the morning!” I decided to tame Mother Bear and just listen… Shut up and listen. This was very difficult because a part of me WANTED to argue. This was even more odd as Steve and I NEVER argue, but that might explain a lot of our problems as of late. My heart was screaming, “Stop being an asshole! Who gives a shit about their room?!” It’s never been clean for more than half a day, so what gives?

I painfully crawled into my bed, avoiding the use of stomach muscles, hoping that the drugs would kick in soon. Where in the hell am I?

Jumping out of bed, I ran down the hall and snuggled in-between my two little ragamuffins. They were still sobbing silently and again, my heart broke a bit more. Where am I?

Whether it was the drugs or not, I didn’t care, but the clarity of the moment struck me. I am here... Here between the two most important people I couldn’t ever love more deeply in my entire life. The two that give me the reasons for getting up in the morning and doing what I need to do throughout the day. I don’t think there could have been a more perfect here imaginable.

Life is what you make of it. Mine isn’t perfect, there are a few things that I’ve neglected to tend to lately, mainly my marriage. Again, the clarity of the moment illuminated some recent happenings.

1. My husband doesn’t listen to me and I don’t listen to him. I scheduled a small cake and ice cream party at the same time that he had tickets for the circus. Details of the argument aren’t necessary but I did ask him if the time for the party was going to work before I sent out invites, he said it was fine. I ended up feeling hurt and rescheduling the whole thing.
2. We are living on two separate schedules. He works graveyard/12-hour shifts, three to four times a week. When he’s off, he sleeps late and goes to bed even later. Because I teach and am off for the summer, it’s not so bad right now. During the school year, we literally pass each other on the road and don’t see each other for days at a time.
3. My husband has checked out and I don’t know where he is… I’m not sure he even knows where he is. Our talks are very surfacy. He’s not an emotional person but I can honestly say that he doesn’t look happy. What struck me the most was his reaction to my recent hospitalization... There were moments that I would have loved for him to hold my hand, tell me that he loved me, and that he would have been devastated had I not made it through. Not wanting to over-dramatize my medical emergency, I did lose a lot of blood and was in a very serious situation. It’s not that I don’t think he gives a shit, I just don’t think he knows how he feels and how to show it.
With the girls, he tries to be a good daddy. He’s hardly ever around but he tries. It’s gotten to the point where they are very much a product of my discipline and attitude than his. But I can tell that they are really in need of having him around more consistently. (I have evidence but would rather not say.)

Lying there, enjoying my moment of clarity, I decided that I’m okay. I’m good with my life and myself. I have lots of friends and acquaintances whom I love and would bend over backwards for… They are just that great. I’m good with my body and energy… The bedrest will pass quickly and I’ll be on my way to black-belt-hood soon enough. I’m okay with my job. Teaching is great and I teach at a great school. My girls are okay. They are blessed with good health, a decent mom and dad, and they will be fine. I’m a resilient person. With God’s grace, I’m a survivor of many things that have shaken me to the core but have emerged better than I was before.

I know what to do now and have to be gentle and patient in the process.

My Summer Vacation

2008-06-27T20:14:00.001-07:00

So, I'm lying in bed Tuesday evening when all of a sudden, I feel this distinct pain... Exactly like the pain I had on and off during my 30 hour delivery with Melissa. (Trust me; once you've had pain like that, you NEVER forget it!) Carol Burnett described labor pains akin to "pulling your lower lip over your head". Either way, not my idea of fun.

Uh, rewind... I'm 41, how can I be pregnant? (Duh, I know how that works!)
Instinct must reassess, maybe appendicitis??

Anyway, gathering my strength, I rolled off the bed, and shouted for Steve to come upstairs.
Not being a man, I have no idea what it must be like to see the woman of your dreams, or any woman for that matter, screaming in pain, commanding you to get the kids dressed, and to bring an empty trash can "just in case". The nausea actually didn't hit until I tried “sitting” my way down the stairs. True to form, I wanted to make it to the truck before everyone else did. At least my competitive streak was still intact.

Living in the middle of God-forsaken Copper Basin, where to go? Steve drove by the fire station up the street. The lights were off. "I don't think anyone is there."
"What do you mean 'I don't think anyone is there!'? It’s a fire station… They're asleep! Forget it! Just start driving into town before I puke!"

At the Chevron, right as one would pull out of the God-forsaken community of Copper Basin, there sat an ambulance. Weird, huh? We pulled up and asked where the nearest ER was. In the darkness, I managed to make out a couple of guys hanging out, probably eating, and not too worried as to why a family-of-four, packed in an Expedition, was looking for help sometime after midnight. We were directed up the road 26 miles to Gilbert Hospital.

Upon arrival, the nausea hit pretty hard. I remembered having pizza for dinner earlier… This was not going to be very pretty at all. The bumpy wheelchair ride into the ER jarred my insides up, but I must say, the jungle-motif children’s ward did manage to bring a smile to my face. (Being 5’1” and about 115 lbs. soaking wet, this did little to enhance my womanhood. I wear a size 3 in girls’ shoes and must often resort to the children’s department to find a pair that fits. I’d kill to find a nice pair of comfortable-fitting, black patent leather pumps with at least a 3-inch stacked heel... Preferably Gucci. Now THAT would be classy! Feel free to purchase as a get-well gift should you so choose.)

Throwing up is one of my least favorite things in life. I mean this in all seriousness. Smashing my hand in a car door, paper cuts, visits to the dentist, stitches, etc. are all preferred modes of misery compared to regurgitation. BTW, this was how I was able to stay mostly sober in college and avoid the pain associated with binge drinking, as most of my idiot friends did not.

My cast-iron stomach, and will, finally gave in. Again, what it must be like to see the woman of your dreams, or any woman, hurling into what looked like a blue, mini-sleeping bag made for Barbie or Ken? Never mind the fact that all other bodily functions cease to perform within optimal range while this is happening. Oh yes, did I mention my will caved in as well? I don’t consider myself vain but I do try to at least shower, wear clean underwear, and speak proper English, especially when I’m teaching. There’s nothing like lying in fetal position, soaked from head-to-toe, and wishing death would come quickly. “Toast” would be the best description for me at that point.

Enter “knight in shining armor”. This doc had the bedside manner of a doorknob but he came with a nurse bearing morphine. Wow… It was really amazing how quickly death moved down to the bottom of my to-do list. I don’t remember his name, but I think he had a moustache. So, Dr. Moustache proceeded to poke and prod and even got a leg lift out of me. “Hmmm...”, he murmured in his soap opera voice as he played with his ‘stache’, “Looks like appendicitis.”

As an aside, the irony that another teacher from the same school, named ‘Monica’, in the same grade, would have appendicitis within the same year, floored me. I look for continuity and wonder in the smallest of situations. This actually made me feel a little better.

Have you ever had the “orange stuff”? It has the pleasant smell of Tang, ah childhood, but tastes like new tires? Forcing some of that down before my scan, Dr. Happy-to-Serve-You came back and sent the girls out of the room. “You’re pregnant. Stop drinking the __________.” As I write this, I’m still trying to figure out which was the more shocking of the two: Pregnant or not having to finish the quart of “Orange Death”.

By then, the wheels of the amazing world of internal medicine were in motion. In the fourth grade, my goal of reading every book in the school library about the human body was easy enough. My grandparents also owned the coolest set of medical encyclopedia I’d ever seen. The glossy overlays showing how muscles and nerves and bones worked separately and together are still fresh in my mind. The ordered ultrasound would be amazing as well… How often does one get to really see inside of themselves?

The ultrasound tech was a young guy, shoulder-length hair, very now. Generally, small talk comes very easily but he was either way too tired or absorbed in work to chat. Looking at the screen, nothing was very distinguishable… nothing was very distinguishable… nothing was very distinguishable. Okay, let’s move onto the internal ultrasound. Even under the influence of morphine, the probe was very uncomfortable at best. Nothing very distinguishable on the screen. Finally, the feeling of when you smash your hand in the car door… Not the pain but knowing that you are physically doing it but you can’t stop it from happening?

The “units” were ordered and a pint of “B Positive” was immediately administered. (What a blood type! No joke!) Maybe it was the morphine, maybe it was disbelief. Before the doctor had even said I was pregnant, the “labor pains” at home said it all: ruptured ectopic pregnancy.

Having had lots of crap to deal with throughout life, especially childhood, I’ve become very good at avoiding the obvious. There hadn’t been any blood when the pain began a few hours earlier so it must not have been that bad. Basically, the new medicine I learned that night was that the ultrasound revealed nothing because it could not ‘see’ anything. By that point, I had already lost about a liter of blood.

The facility at Gilbert Hospital is very nice but minimal. My other first would be getting to ride the helicopter to Mountain Vista where surgeons were waiting. People can be very nice if you give them the chance. Steve asked if he and the girls could go up to the helipad to watch us take off and they were very gracious about it. Of course, the morbid part of me thought that maybe this might not be such a great idea… After all, would Steve ever be able to afford counseling for both girls should they see their mother die in a fireball over the city of Mesa, Arizona??

Nah, that wasn’t going to happen. The morning was too perfect. Although going up in a tiny contraption isn’t by far the safest means of transport, there was no nervousness at all. Even if it was the morphine speaking, I think I still would have felt as calm. The sunrise and the city lights below were spectacular. The temperature was balmy and the air was still. Too bad I wasn’t in shape to hijack the stupid copter!

The landing was perfect as well… The staff that met me on the roof was kind and welcoming. The OR staff was set to go and immediately wheeled me in. The only thing that I can really remember after that was meeting the anesthesiologist. “Are you an athlete?” he asked. I wasn’t sure how to answer that one. Having begun a regular workout routine in January and starting the study Kenpo in March, maybe? “Your vitals look very strong considering. It’s amazing that your heart rate is only at 50.” Then blackness…

The next 24 hours are probably very familiar to any of you that have had to spend any amount of time recovering in a hospital. Vitals and blood test. Sleep. Vitals again. Sleep. Here’s some juice. Sleep.
The one vexation was my blood pressure. It’s always been low. My normal is about 100-95 over 65-70. Dr. Nieves, my young, pretty surgeon, finally came by to see me. “I had to see it with my own eyes. We can’t understand why your bp is so low but everything else looks fine.”

My “output” was good so my kidneys were functioning. No fever. Low heart rate so there was no internal bleeding. She could not believe how good I looked… I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. She went on to describe the surgery. The bulk of the time spent was cleaning up all of the blood to find the gushing fallopian tube. The left ovary was left intact but the tube was completely removed. Dr. Nieves also did a great job with the incisions, actually the laparoscopy. There are three cuts; one right in the belly button and two on either side, about six inches apart from center.

Once I was rested up and able, I showered this morning and was allowed to come home. Thank God for Tempur-pedic! (Get one, now! BTW, I think the butt logo is funny. Must be a Swedish thing.) I am now resting comfortably, and very patiently awaiting my next adventure.

Okay, I Did It...

2008-06-06T17:25:00.002-07:00

I went and chopped my hair off. Not having any individual pics of my new-do, I had to protect the identity of a former student who happened to stop by for a visit. Going shorter would still be an option... I ended up cutting my girls' hair as well. Kait's was getting l-o-n-g so she was the most upset when it happened. At least she doesn't look like an orphan anymore.

I Need a New Haircut!!!!!!

2008-03-19T17:46:00.005-07:00

Any ideas???

The texture of my hair is wavy when I let it dry on its own. I really don't want to spend a lot of time fixing it in the a.m. No more than 5 to 10 minutes would be fine. I'm tired of pulling it back or using hot rollers.

I just turned 41 but need something more updated... But, I could be wrong!!!!

Me blog??

2008-02-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

This is kinda weird... Haven't written anything in FOREVER!!
Gee, there's so much going on, where do I begin?
I humbly submit this post as the ones I've read this evening seem so much more interesting, intellectual. Maybe after teaching all day/week long, the well has gone dry...

And now, my latest ramblings:

Politics - Okay, to start off, I am an independent with a conservative leaning. For the first time in my life, I actually contributed to a political campaign. Although it wasn't much, my donation was part of the 47% that Obama raised in small contributions, less than $200, in the fourth quarter of 2007.
In this case, it's my intuition rather than my wits leading me in this direction. I don't question Obama's sincerity, but I do know that I don't agree with many of his views. Perhaps it's the feeling that if I were to sit down and have a conversation with him, Barack would actually listen to what I have to say. We'd have a cup of coffee, 2 creams & 1 sugar, and find a cure for cancer all while Barack suggests a way to keep my kitchen floor from streaking when I mop and my cheesecake from cracking when I take it out of the oven. (A girl can dream!)
I'm curious to see who either Obama or Clinton would choose as a running mate... At one point I considered that Edwards was refraining from endorsing anyone so that he could fill that position. There's too much obvious animosity to "dream" about a Obama-Clinton ticket. (Cough, choke.) IMHO, I'd rather have McCain in office than Billary as VP.
What the heck? The world is going to end December 21, 2012 anyway. In any scenario, any of these people would be crazy if they didn't assign Bill Richardson to a cabinet position.

Girlies - My daugher snores... She's a precocious kindergartener, only 30 lbs. dripping wet. Bright, smiling blue eyes, and wild blond hair. (This looks JUST like her but way cuter... She's smiling and not wearing a Hawaiian-print shirt. Her YMCA i.d. has her standing in front of a white cinderblock wall as well. Too tiny to scan but I'm sure you get it.)
It's cool teaching and having my kids with me. I'm a pretty lucky mom. I get to see Mel and Kait at least once a day in passing and they are quick to shout "Hey Mommy!" and share their latest escapades.

Brittany-Schmittany, Ledger-Schmedger - Enough already! So much energy wasted on this type of negativity. I feel for each of them and their families, but could we just focus on something else... Maybe something positive??

Fun Stuff and Time Wasters -
Need a gift for smelly Uncle Fred? http://www.stupid.com/

I love 6th grade science! http://www.kidwings.com/index.htm

My favorite waste of time! http://snowflake.bhg.com/

Oh the horror, the horror! http://youtube.com/watch?v=hpBC6oAzKgw

Because I can no longer ride on rollercoasters 5 times in a row... http://www.goyk.com/flash.asp?path=761

I'm overwhelmed right now! Gimme a beer!
My to-do list for this weekend includes:
* Finishing up my lesson plans so I can go in early Monday and make copies for the week. (Nevermind that I've already put in almost 50 hours already.)
* Grade those damn essays!
* Shampoo the carpet in the great room and unpack boxes in the den. We moved into our house in October, but unpacking drives me nuts.
* Make a list and shop for groceries. Having peeps over for Super Bowl. BTW, Tom Brady is faking injury because he knows that they will lose! Ha ha!
* Clean and clean some more... My house isn't "dirty" but we're still in organizing mode. My husband is installing a closet organizer for my stuff. Oh yes... My sister-in-law will be here on Thursday.
* I will be gone from work Thursday through Monday... It will be a disaster when I return. Ask any teacher about having to call in a sub for more than a couple of days. It's not that they are incompetent; they're just different. It really throws off the routine!

I hope that I'll take the time to come back and have something better to muse about... Oh well!
Until then, take care and God bless!

Mon :-)

A Reflection on 2006

2007-01-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to think of life as being a kid riding in the backseat of the family car. You play and squabble with your sibblings (friends, children, spouses) but you still love each other anyway. You're not sure where you'll really end up but you have faith that your Dad knows where we're going and that He'll get you there safely, not always without incident, but at least in one piece. You can choose whether or not to read a good book, start a sing-a-long, have an argument, or just stare out the window and daydream.
I think since I made the decision to "go along for the ride" things have gotten much better. In the process of trying to "re-invent" myself I learned that there wasn't anything wrong in the first place. Okay, so I've got ADD and I still could lose a few pounds, things are fine. On this journey, you choose to love and be loved, help others when they need it, play fair, complement more and complain less often...
Or could it be some of the "maturity" (HA!) of getting to 40. I really don't consider myself to be complacent. There were many times this last year or so that I struggled and felt unhappy in the pursuit of something undefineable. Backseat driving?? Once I was honest with myself and accepted myself, flaws and talents together, and decided to go with the flow, things seemed to be much more manageable.

Weight and other bodily issues - I've decided that healthy is good but not to obsess about a few extra pounds. I've been good and tried not to overindulge too often; cooking & baking are still passions in my life. The benefits of red wine once a day is another habit that has been easy to implement. Things will probably start falling apart in the next 10 to 15 years; that's why the yearly check-ups are tolerable. The grey hair and wrinkles are appearing but it's not as bad as I thought they would be. I have to remind myself that they are badges of honor... or of survival at the very least!
Happiness - Serenity now. (I miss Seinfeld!) Laugh often and work for the good of others!
Sex - Yes, it does get better. And BTW, the 7-year itch can lead to a more fulfilling marriage if you choose to let it!
Family - Can't live without them... hugging and cuddling with my girls are a must; the hubby too.
Work - Do what you love, do what you can. I've decided, especially in the realm of teaching, things left undone will still be there tomorrow. I've worked hard thus far but I refuse to let it consume my energy and time. I love and enjoy my students but I love my family more.
Image - All little girls think that their mommy is the most beautiful person in the world. What a complement! I will to live up to that title of distinction not only in appearance but through my actions!
Faith - It's what gives you hope... the ability to see the good in others and to expect the best from yourself in an effort to please my God and make the world a better place. Things have gotten so ugly in our world. Always give and then give a little more. You never know which acts of kindness create ripple effects and will have the greatest impact on your community and in the world.

May you enjoy many blessings this year and in the year to come!!

Peace and love,
MM :-)

Oh yes, I have a blog...

2006-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just to get up to speed, I'll respond to the issues I mentioned in my last post.
Here goes!!!!

"Most of this journey began January 2005. I decided to make a career change, to leave teaching for good."
Okay, I meant for a good year or so, lol. On a whim, I turned in an application with the local school district. I hadn't gotten good vibes from the few interviews I had been on already and figured what the heck. I turned in my file on a Monday and was hired on Wednesday; school started the Monday after that - July24th. (CUSD is on an extended-year schedule... Cool! We get two weeks off in the fall, winter, and spring... SWWWEEET!) I was a "late hire" as this class was just added at the last minute and I missed all of the New-to-District orientation. I'm making those classes up on evenings and weekends.

"Lucky for me, I have a great husband, the kind that Dr. Phil describes as 'providing a soft place to land'. (I must really be great in bed because I’ve yet to figure out how he puts up with my constant insecurities.)"
Generally I don't worry about what other people think about me or the decisions I make. Hubby was kind of leery about the whole thing but I pointed out one major difference. I needed to find out if teaching had burned me out or if I was the "situation" that I was in before. I've been teaching my 6th grade gifted class for over 1 month now and can honestly say that I needed a new, supportive environment. I don't cry on the drive to work anymore. :-)

"There’s a nagging feeling that I never got the chance to really prove myself."
I'm feeling challenge and success. Great professional adminstration and supportive parents. I don't even dare "wait for the other shoe to drop". It is what it is. Teaching is still lots of work, I spent the first few weeks putting in over 50 hours, but it's getting better everyday. I've found my routine, the kids are having a blast, and my family is happier too.

"My evaluations were glowing and positive."
I just got another one... finally!!!

Oh yes, one more thing... what folder???

I'll post again soon!

Peace,
Mon :-)

Letting go of the past...

2006-06-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

Most of this journey began January 2005. I decided to make a career change, to leave teaching for good. On http://www.assessment.com/, the field of financial advising turned out to be one of my top professions. So, for the last month and a half, I’ve been through a rigorous hiring process with a well-known investment company. (Let’s just call them “EJ”.) FBI background and credit checks; all I lack is a blood and/or urine sample. I’m sure they’ll be asking for that soon enough. Well, until now…

The past several weeks has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and decisions-to-be-made. Lucky for me, I have a great husband, the kind that Dr. Phil describes as “providing a soft place to land”. (I must really be great in bed because I’ve yet to figure out how he puts up with my constant insecurities.) After about a week of waiting for EJ to call back for the next step in the HR dance, I was getting antsy. One morning while fighting back tears, I sighed that I felt as if this was my last chance to get it right. Hubby just laughs and says, “You’re looking at it all wrong. Your family is your career, that doesn’t change. A job is just a job. If you quit or get laid-off, you just go out and get another one. We’re always gonna be here.” I paused to catch my breath and fight the growing lump in my throat…

Whenever a door closes, why do I feel that I have to walk through the next one trying to prove something? I’m still really bummed out about leaving “The Educational Software Company”. There’s a nagging feeling that I never got the chance to really prove myself. It’s almost as if I were invisible… especially after seeing that many of the suggestions I made earlier in the year were implemented by someone else. Let it go, Mon!

Here’s the part that kicks my ass: As I’m digging through my teacher stuff to put together a portfolio, I find IT. IT is the next hurdle that I need to get over. In my years of working for the school district in Texas, I was never happier. (Except for my first marriage; hey, nothing’s perfect.) Just like a puppy, I’m loyal and devoted as long as I’m petted and appreciated. I have my “District Employee of the Month” pics that friends sent as congrats, my “Regional Wal-Mart Teacher of the Year” and “Southwestern Bell Excellence in Teaching” crystal apple. My evaluations were glowing and positive. Any suggestions were addressed in a fair and constructive manner. I can’t say that I regret leaving… I would have never met my husband and had my awesome girls.

Back to IT… an innocuous looking file folder full of hate, lies, denigrations. A folder that almost made me literally vomit when I stumbled onto it two nights ago. I was going to post some of the vile crap but decided not to. I used to call them my ‘love letters’. Before I left New Mexico, I debated as to whether or not I needed to keep any of it. I was almost sure that some bogus lawsuit would appear out of nowhere and here would be my proof that I was a more than competent teacher. (My management philosophy is CYA aka documentation, documentation, documentation.)

The contrast of my entire career in education with the last two years I had at the Catholic school is striking. Self-doubt is something that is a constant. By the time I left, my Zoloft had been doubled, I had lost almost 20 pounds, and still second-guess myself. Worse still, I’ve seen a few of my friends go through the same emotional torture and abuse at the same cost of their health and sanity. I actually went to the local news with this story; they wanted substantial evidence, such as official documents and/or tape recordings of what was really going on. I wasn’t about to do something illegal just to get back at these people. As a matter of fact, they mentioned that I wasn’t the first person to call them regarding this school. There are still times that I try to convince myself that it really wasn’t that bad… Still trying to let it go.

So I’ve had two interviews for teaching positions, another one tomorrow. In a way, going back to teaching is almost like being back in my comfort zone. I know what to expect and what’s expected. The plus, and it’s a very nice one, I would be able to bring the girls with me to work, safe with mommy. But the self-doubt is still there. Was I really burnt out or just burnt out with the situation? I so desperately don’t want to put my family, especially my husband, through all of that again.

One last task: A friend recommended that I get rid of that folder. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I think a small bonfire would suffice. Hate is such a destructive emotion. Finally coming to grips with the layoff, seeing those letters and memos was like getting punched in the gut. It was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room, no matter how hard it tried, I couldn’t regain my composure, I couldn’t breathe. I will now try to get back up and really let it go…

I'm not dead yet...

2006-06-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth but I've been remiss in keeping up with my mundane musings.

I love Monty Python (Which one is Monty?) and lately I've felt like the guy being loaded onto the "cart of death" in The Holy Grail. May 25th, coinciding with my hubby's birthday, I got my walking papers from my 'educational software' position. Unless you've ever been laid off with an extended departure date, it's pretty much a waste of time. You don't really have a part to play in meetings and other activities; most of what you have to contribute is irrelevant, or so they think. My favorite example was the meeting to go over registration for summer conference in July. Of course, I had to be a smart arse and raise my hand when the team leader asked if there was anyone that would not be able to make the "8:00 group session on Wednesday..."

Being the person I am, I'm always a step or two ahead and have a couple of options. I told a friend this morning that this situation was actually a blessing in disguise. (I have to stay positive or else I'll have to resort to behaving like a disgruntled postal worker. Why cry when you can laugh?)

And in all honesty, I’m somewhat bitter as well. I sort of martyred myself and no one at work will ever really know. When the news broke of the impending doom, I went to my manager, who is also a good friend, and told her that I wanted to bow out graciously. (Soon, the major ass-kissing and backstabbing amongst team members began; notice the irony of the word ‘team’???) I was not at all interested in the next phase of the project, cutting and pasting into a database for weeks at a time, and they would probably find me dead in my cubicle from a self-inflicted stapler wound.

Decisions were made; there were four positions eliminated. Rumors abound. Of course, I was “let go” but I noticed a certain dynamic about the other winners of this lottery. All of the people that were dismissed are married. Call me crazy… It wasn’t even a matter of who had the most experience or talent. I don’t understand it at all but now know that I choose to stay away from Corporate America. I don't regret this experience but there's a coldness that I can't seem to shake.

My friend and soon-to-be-former-boss called and invited the girls and I over for dinner tonight. I don't know what to feel. I can't imagine what it's like to have to tell someone they aren't going to make the cut. I'm also perplexed about how she made her decisions. One of the people that got the ax relocated across the country for this now-defunct position. He has a wealth of experience and is a great person to work with. I just don't get it.

This company's motto talks about transforming the lives of children and raising education to a higher level... I've been editing scripts for this final phase of production. I swear, some of these people cannot write a complete sentence. This next week is going to be long and tedious. Officially, my last day is June 30th (my daughter's birthday), but I've decided not to go past the 23rd, this next Friday. I'll definetly miss the few good friends that I've made.

That gurl needs a curl!

2006-04-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

So I think this whole McKinney thing has gotten out of hand. She was even, dare I say, apologetic at one time. I also listened to her interview with Wolf Blitzer on CNN. (You can watch it here.) Leave it to a lawyer to muck it up and convince her to draw the gender/race card.

Just a thought... my husband works for a "chip maker" and has to scan a badge to get in and around the facility. He can't get in without it, finito! As a taxpayer, I would gladly help foot the bill for something a little more in line with 21st-century security rather than a "congressional lapel pin". (Too reminescent of the "pledge pin" in Animal House!)

Apparently, when she was not recognized, McKinney tried to bypass the checkpoint and was stopped by the Capitol Hill officer. I don't know about you but if a cop asks me to stop, I'm going to stop. If she did indeed strike the officer, as alleged, then she is in the wrong. Kudos to the officers for doing their job!

One tidbit that Wolf did mention at the end of the interview was her previous experience with officers on Capitol Hill. (Really, watch the interview!)

Reading through the Zonitics blog, I stumbled upon the upcoming pic that was released by Fox News. (Wait for it!)

Gurlfriend is having a hard time. I hope she can get everything straightened out, no pun intended.

How I Lost 7 Pounds Last Month

2006-03-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've been doing my own version of Weight Watchers, with the help of a friend at work, and lost 7 pounds. Then I came back from vacation and discovered that I gained them back. At least I know how to lose them again.
The first thing I did was figure out how many "points" I was allowed per day. For quick reference, I'm 120'ish (or was) and allowed 20 points a day. Basically, if you are 150, you get 2 more points per day per 25 lb. increments. (I didn't post the chart so I'm not infringing on anything, right???)
20 points a day sucks. Based on Dottie's Weight Loss Zone, very comprehensive website including restaruants and downloads, my daily Toffee Nut Latte was costing me big, 7 points. That's without the freakin' cream cheese danish. (F***, f***, f***!) Then lunch would consist of a Sonic Jr. Burger meal with medium cherry vanilly Coke... Oh yeah! An 18 point lunch! Fageddabout dinner! If hubby was working, the girls and I would run by BK's, fast and cheap or should I say inexpensive in the monetary sense. Only 29.5 for that one meal.
But hold on to your hats!! It's very common for hubby to come home for his 8:30 p.m. lunch break and join me for a bit of ice cream or cake and a glass of 2% before my bedtime; at least another 7 to 10 there.
And there's more!! It was very common to snack during the day. Occasionally, I have been known to indulge in a candy bar from the vending machine when the mood strikes. Enough already!
I did the math for you... 61.5 points a day. THREE TIMES MY ALLOWANCE!! And of course, no exercise either. It wasn't until I noted what I was eating that it made a difference. When you see this, it isn't a lot of food. Most people would starve on my pre-WW diet.
With the help of my friend and Dottie's website, I made different food choices. I found that I'm actually eating more but making better choices. Basically, I try to eat a 5 point breakfast and lunch, and a 10 point dinner. Better still, I can do 3 or 4 points at breakfast/lunch, and a couple of snacks throughout the day. Check out Dottie's 0 and 1 point food lists!

This is what my "new" menu looks like:
Breakfast:
A large coffee with non-fat, flavored creamer (1)
One bag of Special K snack bites (2)
*A piece of fruit (1 to 2)
Mid-Morning Snack:
*Light Yogurt (1 to 2)
Lunch:
Smart Ones dinner (2 to 4)
Dole Fruit Parfait - These rock! (2)
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
*Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges, Light Original - Another fave! (1)
Low-Fat Wheat Thins - 8 crackers are 1 serving (2)
Dinner:
Pasta w/Marinara (6)
*Lettuce w/croutons, tomatoes, and light dressing (2)
Dessert:
*Blue Bunny Sweet Freedom No Sugar Added Krunch Lites (2)
Total - 28 points*
*Disclaimer - for every 20 minutes of light exercise, you get 2 points. (See next paragraph.)

When I get busy at work, I don't usually eat the fruit or yogurt. I'll have the fruit at lunch. Sometimes I substitute the Dole fruit for plain fruit cup or a WW snack cake, very delish!
Likewise with the mid-afternoon snack, if I get too busy, I skip the cheese but eat the crackers or the 1-point popcorn. At night, sometimes I skip the salad and ice cream. BTW, I've found that when I'm craving ice cream it's really a sign of thirst. I'll drink a glass of water and the craving is gone.
The other hard thing for me is the water... I'm not a freakin' camel! I try to get at least 4 to 5 glasses in but have diet soda throughout the day. (I know it's not good for you but I'm screwed if I have the fully leaded version, 3 points.)
I'm sure you get the gist of what I needed to do to make a difference. (I'm still a little over 20 a day but most days I'm 18 or 19.)
I hope this has helped. I'll be sure to post any nuggets of info I can glean.

Ciao, babes!
Mon :-)

One Catholic’s View of Holy Mass

2006-03-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

The following is from another blog:

"Where else but church? On Friday I met a friend for a drink. There was a couple sitting next to us -- early 40s. We got talking to them, and it turns out they both go to my church. One of them actually works for the Diocese. Well, today I went to church and happened to sit down right behind the same couple. If you're Catholic, you know there's a time during the Mass when we all exchange handshakes and extend Christ's peace to one another. Today, when it was time to do that with this couple, the husband offered Christ's peace to me and said my first name, while the wife gave me a big hug and said, "It's good to see you." And she meant it.At moments like this I think to myself, "Even if religion is just something made up to help us feel less alone and afraid, it's still responsible for a lot of good." Footnote: and some bad, too, I know. The litany is familiar."

This post got me to thinking about many things; it actually clarified what I wanted to post today. The one word that struck me was litany.

Backtrack to Ash Wednesday mass; I went to a different parish. Since we’re new to the area, I’m still trying to find the right fit for me. Generally, Ash Wednesday mass, for me, is very powerful. What a beautiful and thought-provoking way to begin the Lenten season and the journey to Easter Tridiuum, and Pentecost.
The kids were in daycare and my husband was off so we were able to go before I went to work with no distractions. I was ready for a powerful lead into Lent but ended up feeling let down.
Of course, a litany is something that is “repeated” but when a Mass is said with reverence, nothing about it seems repetitious. It just didn’t hit me like it usually does. (At times I’ve been known to weep, especially since this is the one season that reminds me of my deceased grandmother; she was as Catholic as they come.)
After doing a little bit of reflection, I figured out what it was.
First: The Homily - Very vanilla. Was this off the cuff or should I say alb?
Second: Distribution of the Ashes – Different but no complaints there. Maybe because there was no music?
Third: The Consecration – Alternate wording, were there a few “liberal” suggestions thrown in? Never heard this “version” before, don’t care to ever hear it again.
Fourth: Purification of the Holy Vessels away from the altar. I can’t say without a doubt that what the priest did is “wrong” but it just didn’t seem right to me.

Just to be open-minded, I went back to this church the next Sunday. The people seemed friendly enough, maybe a little too friendly? I have never been to a noisier mass! Finally, my pet-peeve, the egregious “leaving mass right after Communion”. Is there anywhere that important that you need to leave 5 minutes earlier than everyone else; never mind the disrespect that it shows? I was disappointed that it was allowed.

The churches I’ve been to in the past had strict priests. You didn’t dare leave before Mass had officially ended, they’d point you out in front of the whole congregation. One priest back in Texas even chewed us out one time. He was really upset about our manner of dress. Father reminded some of us that we could get dressed up to party on a Saturday night but come to Mass looking as if we just rolled out of bed. (This was a poor parish but you know as well as I do there’s a difference between not having a decent outfit and looking like you’re hung-over.) Hence the saying, “A lion on the pulpit, a lamb in the confessional.”

Oh yes, the litany of the mass. There’s something comforting about the repetition. (Since I’ve been married, I look forward to the “peace be with you”. I get to hug the hubby and lay a big smackeroo on my girls. Plus, I enjoy saying hello to the people around me.)

I feel sorry for those people that complain that Mass is like a football game, sit down, stand up, rah rah rah! I’ll have to admit, it took me awhile to get it. Dare I say that I learned the significance of our rituals from my students?

As a math teacher, I always felt that the best way for a student to succeed was via multi-modal instruction. Base-ten blocks, graphs, computerized projects and games, etc. I began to see the Mass in the same way. Without the music, the incense, exchanging of greetings, lyrical quality of the Consecration prayers, and meditation after communion, makes all of the difference to me. Just as I know that kids need stability to thrive, I feel that the same stability is necessary in my spiritual life. Hmmm, maybe that’s why we have a Catechism??

I went back to one of the first churches that I visited since our move to AZ. The whole “litany” was a comfort to me. It made me think of a yogi sitting in the lotus position chanting “ohm”. They reach a state of peace as they become centered in the repetition of one little but powerful syllable. I finally made the connection that I need this repetition in my life; something predictable yet comforting.

One more thought… today the priest said that “in turning away from sin, there is pain involved”. Some of the struggles of late have been painful but like working out, it’s a good kind of pain. I appreciate Hoff’s comment that through life coaching, one begins to grow and make positive changes in their own life. I like the thought of becoming not only a role model for my potential clients but especially to my daughters. This reminds me of the other day: So sweetly while sitting on my lap, Kaitlyn caressed my face, pointing out my creases, “Mommy, you’re getting old. I don’t want you to get old ‘cause that means you have to die someday.” Epiphany: I have to die to sin so that I can assure her that when I die, we won’t be apart forever, just for a short while.

"Why don't you shut the f*** up??!!!" aka "How Not to Sucker Punch a Lady While Shopping"

2006-03-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm at Target last night, doing some last minute St. Paddy's day shopping, and had an experience that really pissed me off. Here goes nothin'...
I picked the kids up from daycare/camp and decided that I wanted to get them cute tops for today. (Only $4 at Target!!) Seeing that their grandfather is 100% Irish, we really don't have a say in the matter. (My married last name is about as Irish as you can get!)
As we're getting out of the car, my oldest Kaitlyn (yes, that's Irish too) is tired and fussy. I know that we're only going to make it about five minutes before she falls apart.
Wrong. She becomes argumentative and I tell her if she keeps it up, she'll have to ride in the basket. (Being the precocious 5-yr-old that she is, this is as bad as telling a teenager no phone for a week.) Kaitlyn escalates and as I have been trained to do via years of teaching, if you make a threat, you'd better follow through. Into the basket she goes.
Then she starts the "I wanna get out of the basket" routine. Now the thing I must add about Kaitlyn is that I honestly forget that she is still a young child. (I hate using the word "gifted" because it adds a lot of unnecessary baggage to a kid's life.) She started writing her letters and making very detailed drawings at the age of 2. Her teacher is amazed that she is the youngest in her class (August b-day) and the most advanced. (She is doing both reading and math at about a second grade level.) Plus, I'm in denial. I don't want to think about her as gifted; I had a lonely and unhappy school experience because of it. I'm also beginning to think that she may have a touch of OCD mixed in... once she gets started with a tantrum, there's no stopping. It's almost as if she becomes obsessed with winning the argument. My husband and I are two of the most stubborn people so it becomes a real competition. (Read "Raising Your Spirited Child" and you'll know what I mean.)
Throughtout Target you can hear "I wanna get out of the basket! I'm not a baby! I wanna get out of the basket!" I'm only going in for two shirts, a quick 5 minute trip. As I'm making my way through rounders in the young girls section, an older woman with a look of "concern" on her face asks if everything is okay. I tell her that my daughter is unhappy with the consequences presented to her and she's just upset that she can't have her way.
"Well, I could hear her from the other end of the store. Are you sure that everything is okay?"
The condescending tone in her voice was like a slap in the face. I look at Kaitlyn and ask, knowing that I won't get a response, "Kaitlyn, are you okay? This lady seems to think that there's something wrong."
"I wanna get out of the basket! I wanna get out of the basket!"
"See, there's nothing wrong. She's just being a tired 5 year old."
"Well you obviously are a cruel parent. There's no reason a child should be crying like that."
"And your kids never pitched a fit?"
"No and unlike your poor daughter, I have very confident children. I don't have to use intimidation to discipline my kids."
OH NO YOU JUST DIDN'T JUST GO THERE! rang in the back of my mind. LISTEN HERE BEE-ATCH!
"Listen lady, I didn't not lay a hand or harm my daughter in a way that you are suggesting."
Lucky for her, I walk away and find the shirts I need and proceed to check-out. There's a saying that goes "Chiquita pero picante!" That's why my husband married me!
My barrio instincts kick into high gear as I notice that this "concerned woman" has followed me. I give her the look from hell and she gets in the line further down from me.
As I'm walking out, I stop my basket in front of hers:
"I don't know who you are but you have got a lot of nerve to criticise, especially wearing that gold cross around your neck. You don't know me or my background. I taught children with parents like you for over 10 years, all spoiled brats. Forgive me for teaching my child that negative actions bear consequences. It's people like you that have caused the mess we're in today!" She gives me an uncomfortable look because by this time, we've gotten the attention of customers, check-out clerks, the security guard, whatever...
I wanted to be a bigger bitch, I wanted to make her feel as bad for thinking that she had it all figured out. Was this person from another planet? I have always thought that moms were supposed to support each other. Needless to say, although I knew that I was in the right, I let her criticism knock me down and feel like the crappiest mom in the world.
Back in the truck, Kaitlyn continued her "I didn't want to ride in the basket! I didn't want to ride in the basket!" Finally, with all of the conviction in my voice that I could muster, I yelled "YOU BE QUIET! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD. SAY ANYTHING ELSE AND NO TV OR COMPUTER!" I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of negativity; I couldn't swim to the shore no matter how hard I tried. I cried as I drove home.
I don't know how much longer I can take this "pushing buttons" phase with Kaitlyn. She did it again this morning. Today was "Dollar Donut Day" at Melissa's daycare. I left Kait in the truck so she wouldn't be late for camp, our next drop-off. Getting out I asked her what kind of donut she wanted. "I don't want one."
I was in complete shock, no donut? "Are you sure?"
"No, I'm sure."
After going back to the truck, I noticed that Kaitlyn was now crying, "I wanted a donut."
Damn if that f****** switch didn't go off. I mustered to stay calm. "You just told me that you didn't want one."
"But I want one now."
"You said no and that's final." So on the way to camp, "I'm hungry, I want a donut." Calmly I reminded her that she had cereal before, snacks in her lunch bag and she would just have to deal with it.
Signing her in at camp, almost a repeat of last night. "Is everything okay? Is Kaitlyn feeling ill?" Again, the consequence explanation. I hate parenting right now. It sucks becuase I feel so incompetent at it. I feel like I might be ruining my relationship with my daughter, scarring her for life.
But then there's the epiphany... What I'm going through right now is totally applicable to what I see as my life's vocation, helping other women. (As a life coach, I'd like to work specifically with women, stay-at-home moms transitioning back into the workplace, working moms that need more balance, self-care and self-valuing, etc.)
I thought about the advice that I've given in the past and how it's so much easier said than done: If you make a threat with a child, you have to follow through; I just happen to have the one kid who likes to call my bluff.

Realization of my life’s vocation??

2006-03-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

For the last 4 Friday’s, I’ve been working from home. It’s so much better than being “in the cube”! I work a little, clean a little… the girls are at school/daycare and the hubby is asleep. (He works a compressed week, 7 pm to 7 am.) I feel much less stressed going into the weekend and am actually feeling rested before work on Monday.
To the story… I had lunch with an acquaintance on Friday. I met L at a couple of get-togethers at my boss’s house (candle and Super Bowl parties) and decided that she was a really smart and interesting person. (I’m thinking that she feels the same; when asking for her address, she was impressed that I knew that Hemlock, the name of her street, was not just a tree but Shakespeare’s poison of choice.) Many times, I have a tendency to take over a conversation and then later on I end up feeling badly because I didn’t learn very much about the other person. My goal for the lunch was to LISTEN, not that I would be a stick in the mud, but really try to hear what was going on.
We met at a cool Mediterranean place, the Pita Jungle, replete with modern pieces of art and assorted members of the Y Gen. The waiter was tall, dark, handsome, and the food was great. (Friday being a non-meat day, I had the falafel platter. Oh SO delish!) We talked about work, relationships at work, etc. Before I knew it, we were discussing our husbands and mid-life in general. Cutting to the chase, L is going through a crisis. She’s very unhappy in her marriage and is on the brink of taking the next step, the point of no return.
She mentioned that although she was “oblivious” to it, in her words, “I must be putting something out there; I’ve been getting propositions from the guys at work.” (The division L works in is mostly men, programmers and such.) I knew that she was just kidding herself but how to get her to see that she really knew what she was doing.
I ended up offering bits of my previous life. S is actually my second husband. I was married to Joe for almost five years and lived together for the 5 years previous to that. Hindsight is only amazing if you put it to good use. I’ve got tons of experience in the dysfunctional marriage department so here goes…
Joe and I met in the late 80’s, both musicians with affection for both classical and rock music and hybrids of the two. He, a guitarist, and I a violinist, hit it off. He was funny, smart, and didn’t have any major outward flaws, i.e. drinking too much, slutty behavior, and so forth. Anyway, before long we were officially dating. It was fun. We were gigging a lot, going out with friends and partying, going to any concert that we could. I never really ever felt sexually attracted to him but went down that road anyway.
About a year into the relationship, I got into the insurance business which took me on the road on a regular basis. (I was actually pretty good at it averaging about $600 a week in commissions; not bad for a young gal in her early 20’s.) My horizons were being expanded and I decided that I wasn’t in the relationship I wanted to be in. I actually met a couple of nice guys and exchanged numbers.
On one trip home, I decided that ending the relationship with Joe would be the best thing to do. I hadn’t dated much and wanted to get out and meet other people. Joe took it badly; it’s awful seeing a grown man cry. I went ahead and pursued one of the relationships, actually taking a trip to Tulsa to meet this guy and his daughter. I dated another guy as well, turned out to be an alcoholic, poon-hound. That one ended quickly.
Before I knew it, Joe was knocking on the door, begging me to come back. It was always so strange, I’m not a trophy. Having had problems with alcohol, a dysfunctional childhood and family, chronic depression, you name it; I really don’t know what he saw in me. (Maybe because I was his first real girlfriend??) On my part, I liked Joe because he could be fun and he was much more “settled” than other guys and I could count on the fact that he wouldn’t do anything stupid like getting thrown in jail, drinking too much, or cheating on me. He was “safe”.
I get bored very easily, especially in relationships. If there isn’t an evolution going on, I start to wonder if this is all there is. After almost 10 years of waiting for him to change, I was beginning to lose my mind. Throughout that decade, I had worked on many issues through therapy (getting control of my chronic depression), gone back to school and began teaching, taken us on trips to NYC and Europe, was successfully participating in regional symphony work, playing with an eclectic acoustic guitar group at a coffeehouse, and was a founding member of the area’s best new mariachi groups. I was living my life to its fullest and enjoying it.
Joe was still Joe. He was still doing some gigging but he had the same job at the university (associate librarian) and no plans for finishing his bachelor’s degree. At home, I was the one who paid the bills, bought groceries, did laundry, and so forth. I felt as if I had become a roommate who did all of the work. His lack of “evolution” had really pissed me off and I needed out. I still wanted the American dream, a house and a family. It wasn’t going to happen at the rate we were going unless I did it myself.
Twice I tried leaving. Joe was the master of passive aggressiveness. There was always an excuse: “If you leave, you ruin our family. Our nieces and nephews will be scarred for life. Your medication must be off and you aren’t thinking clearly. We are soul mates and just going through a rough time.” By the time I had made my decision to end it once and for all, I no longer cared. As a matter of fact, I had told one of my best friends, that if I didn’t get out, I had seriously considered suicide as an option. He was like the whiny puppy pulling on your pant leg. Too bad I couldn’t punt him over the fence!
The only way I knew of ending the relationship in a way that Joe would never want me back: I had an affair. I won’t go into the sordid details of that but I will someday. Needless to say, it worked but I ended up ruining many more relationships in the process. The one great thing to come out of it was the fact that it got me to move to Albuquerque where I met my wonderful husband and now have a great family.
I asked L to think about the implications that an affair would have on her family, especially her children. In retrospect, if I had been honest with myself and handled the situation in an honorable manner, things would have turned out much differently. I still live with the guilt of having hurt so many in such a rash decision. I told her that honesty is the best policy, still painful but not as destructive.
After sharing many tidbits of my previous mistakes, L thanked me for listening and sharing. I told her that it was all for selfish reasons; I’m seriously thinking about becoming a life coach and she gave me some valuable practice. (She was excited about being my beta test, lol.)
I felt good after our visit and hoped that I gave her some direction to resolve her problems in a productive way. It also gave me the opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come and where I want to go. Thanks L!

Peace,
Mon :-)

To post or not to post... or "I don't want to bum anyone out"

2006-03-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've checked out a few new blogs today and revisited a few favorites. The thing that I found that I like are the people that make comments on everyday life while maintaining a bit of levity. Some of the more "brooding" ones are hard to get through.
Now to the point, the reason I decided to start this blog was because I was going through a really weird time but thanks to the modern miracle of drugs, I'm in a "happier" place than I was back then. (Turns out that a hormone imbalance was causing a lot of my "angst" and lack of energy.)
The real reason I wanted to blog was to keep an online journal of my daily emotional battles; I have issues but I don't feel overwhelmingly consumed by them. Every once in a while I'll have a situation that really "brings me down" and I struggle.
I would hope that sharing some of my life experiences would help others but somehow I don't get how "putting it out there" would accomplish that purpose. If I went to a specialized blog or joined an online community, that might suffice.

**************************************************************
Another random thought...

I finally requested information:

Master of Science (MS) in Education
Training and Performance Improvement Specialization

The master's degree specialization in training and performance improvement is designed for professionals in roles that include training specialist, career counselor, professional coach, sales trainer, adult educator, and performance improvement consultant. Based on the American Society of Training and Development's (ASTD) Human Performance Improvement Model, this online program will teach you how to apply human performance technology to improve productivity in various organizational settings.

I can see myself doing this. I would eventually LOVE to be an executive career/life coach. (Coaching was one of the highest scores I received on the MAPP career assessment. Go to www.assessment.com. I'm glad I did.) I love taking self-assessments and love when others do the same. Its one way of getting to know others on a different level. The last couple of years that I taught, my kids took the Myers-Briggs online and many were surprised at what they found. Life is such an incredible journey... I feel that if I can help others with an authentic path, they might find the fullfillment that I think I'm getting closer to. (So much for brooding here, lol.)

Maybe I just answered my previous question... hooray for levity!!

Peace to all,
Mon :-)

I Want My Mommy! aka The Gen Y Mantra

2006-02-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

An article from http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2006/02/17/ariz
A good friend sent this to me. Needless to say, I'm stunned.

***************************************************

Avoid Whatever Offends You
When faculty leaders talk about the various versions of the Academic Bill of Rights circulating among state legislators, many single out a bill in Arizona as the worst of all.

The legislation there would require public colleges to provide students with “alternative coursework” if a student finds the assigned material “personally offensive,” which is defined as something that “conflicts with the student’s beliefs or practices in sex, morality or religion.” On Wednesday, the bill starting moving, with the Senate Committee on Higher Education approving the measure — much to the dismay of professors in the state.
The Arizona bill goes beyond the measures that have been pushed in other states — in fact it goes so far that David Horowitz, the ’60s radical turned conservative activist who has pushed the Academic Bill of Rights, opposes the measure. “It doesn’t respect the authority of the professor in the classroom,” he said. “This authority does not include the right to indoctrinate students or deny them access to texts with points of view that differ from the professor’s. But it does include the right to assign texts that make students feel uncomfortable.”
Horowitz’s opposition to the bill is of little comfort to professors in Arizona. Although the legislation has a long way to go before it could become law, the idea that the Senate committee charged with overseeing colleges would approve the measure is upsetting to academics. They are also angry because the evidence cited by lawmakers to support the bill appears to be based on a misreading of an acclaimed novel.
The sponsors of the bill did not respond to messages seeking comment. But local news coverage of the session at which the bill won committee approval quoted Sen. Thayer Verschoor as citing complaints he had received about The Ice Storm, a novel by Rick Moody that was turned into a film directed by Ang Lee. “There’s no defense of this book. I can’t believe that anyone would come up here and try to defend that kind of material,” Verschoor said at the hearing, according to The Arizona Star. Other senators spoke at the hearing, the newspaper reported, against colleges teaching “pornography and smut.”
Actually, there are plenty who would defend teaching The Ice Storm, including the professor whose course appears to have set off Verschoor. The course — at Chandler-Gilbert Community College — was “Currents of American Life,” a team-taught course in the history and literature of the modern United States. The literature that students read is selected to reflect broad themes of different eras, according to Bill Mullaney, a literature professor. For example, students read John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row and Tim O’Brien’s The Things They Carried.
The Ice Storm was a logical choice for teaching about the 1970s, Mullaney said, because the novel looks at suburban life at a crucial point in that decade: the collapse of the Nixon administration. While two families’ lives are dissected, Watergate is always in the background and the relationship between private morality and public scandal is an important theme.
Adultery is central to the novel and one of its most famous scenes involves a “key party,” in which couples throw their car keys in bowl, and then pull out keys to decide which wife will sleep with which husband (not her own) after the party. From comments at the Senate markup of the bill, it seems clear that lawmakers had heard about the wife swapping, but Mullaney and others doubt that they actually read the book. If they had, they might have realized that Moody’s portrayal of ’70s culture is far from admiring.
“The book is a satire of this culture,” Mullaney said. “There are these incredible moments of human connection that get through the morass of ’70s culture. But if you read the section on wife swapping, it’s showing how empty and unfulfilling and morally corrupt it is. So for these legislators to believe that this book is condoning wife swapping, the sad part is that they are passing this bill and they haven’t read the book.” (Privately, some faculty members less charitable than Mullaney think that the legislators may have read the book and just not understood it.)
Chandler-Gilbert officials said that Mullaney and all of their professors take a number of steps that indicate that they do respect students’ rights to avoid certain material. Mullaney, for example, had a reference on his syllabus to the controversial nature and “adult themes” of some works, and he draws students’ attention to that reference on the first day, when they have time to switch courses or sections. In the case of the student whose complaint apparently set off the bill, however, he ignored the warning and demanded an alternate book several weeks into the course, saying he hadn’t paid attention when Mullaney noted the material earlier. The student’s mother also called the college president (although the student is over 18).
Mullaney said that he respects the right of students to decide which courses to take, but that students can’t dictate books to be taught. “This is totally unworkable in the classroom,” he said. “If you have students demanding alternative books, and one student is reading one book, and one another, and one another — it doesn’t make any sense in terms of how you teach.”
If the bill became law, he added, professors would have to avoid controversial books so they wouldn’t risk losing control of their reading lists. “I joke that what I’ll do is just teach To Kill a Mockingbird — all the time,” he said.
Faculty and administrative groups are opposing the bill. Janice Reilly, president-elect of the Maricopa Community College District Faculty Association, said that the bill “very much infringes on academic freedom.” Reilly, a professor of counseling at Mesa Community College, said that “students have their own personal responsibilities” to pick courses, and that expecting professors to alter courses “hurts other students,” who want the emphasis on the original material.
Arizona State University has also come out against the bill. A statement from the university said that the bill is “overreaching” and that “informal processes” deal with any problems that come up with students who are uncomfortable with material. The university said that it hoped further discussions with legislators could produce a solution that deals with their concerns while also “protecting the academic enterprise.”
The Arizona Daily Star quoted Senator Verschoor as acknowledging that additional negotiations might be needed. He said that he doubted colleges would follow the bill’s provisions now “because of the whole academic freedom thing.”
To many, that “whole academic freedom thing” is indeed the crux of the matter. Mullaney said that a positive aspect of having his reading assignment get this attention has been the “unbelievably supportive” way his college’s president, Maria Hesse, and other administrators have backed him.
And he said that the experience has reinforced for him the value of teaching. “This all was a little difficult at first, with a flurry of e-mails attacking the college and my integrity,” he said. “But the more I’ve learned about academic freedom, the more sure I am that what I’m doing is right and that it matters — to teach students to think critically, to help students come a little bit out of their comfort zones.”
For now, at least, that’s still allowed.
— Scott Jaschik

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My rant...

Ya know, I really must be turning into an old lady. I don't get this Gen Y at all or their parents for that matter. More than once, I've stumbled upon articles that emphasize the strange "passive aggressiveness" of this particular group. (I can't think of a better description, sorry.) They are very demanding, such as the case of the new Gen Y employee that was turned down for a promotion. But are so dependent on their parents when something goes wrong. This same Gen Y employee had his mother call HR and demanded to schedule a meeting with his boss to find out why her son was "unfairly" denied the new position. GIVE ME A FRICKEN BREAK!

I've also had my run ins with this particular group at work. They know everything; I'm old and stupid. They are argumentative and show a lack of respect. ("I'm right so f*** you!") Hmm... sounds vaguely familiar. My middle-school math students and their parents?? Of course, I know that not ALL students/persons that fall within this bracket (born between the years 1978-2000) are like this.

Something interesting from Wikipedia...

"As members of Generation Y begin to enter the nation's colleges and universities in large numbers some of their Baby Boomer parents are becoming helicopter parents. Many college advisors and administrators worry that this could have a negative effect on Generation Y's social progress, ego, and developing maturity."[7] (The link to helicopter parents is an interesting read in itself.)

Maybe it's just selfishness on my part... Who's going to take care of us if this group can't take care of itself??

Just a thought or two,
Mon :-)

These are so stupid but I'm more stupid for being addicted to them...

2006-02-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

A young man named Corey...

2006-02-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

I hadn’t posted in awhile, especially anything about myself (online journal), which was the whole point of starting the blog in the first place. So I’ll start with something that happened the other night.
I was watching the Olympics, good background noise when playing Literati on Yahoo. There was a knock on the door and thought it might be the neighbor. For some reason I didn’t check the peephole and answered it anyway, a “salesman”.
Now I use the term loosely as he could not have been more than 16 or 17 years old. The speech was canned and choppy at best. The part of the spiel that caught my attention was that he was “selling magazines for points”. I struck up a conversation and although he seemed less nervous, he remained polite, “Yes ma’am, no ma’am” and so forth.
Being the nosy person that I am, I asked him if he was in school.
“Yes ma’am, I want to study computer programming.”
“Are you staying out of trouble?”
“Yes ma’am.”
I continued browsing through the magazine listing and tried to find the least expensive subscription; wouldn’t you know it was Catholic Digest. Remembering how tough it was when I sold insurance door-to-door in rural West Texas, I asked him how his sales were going.
“Ma’am, I thank you for just looking. I told everyone that I would get at least one sale tonight and I’ve been knocking on doors for the last three hours. You’re the only person who has taken the time to listen to me.”
I gave him a couple of sales tips and we continued our conversation as I filled out a check. I can’t remember what led to the next comment… “You must have a good job to live in these nice apartments.” I agreed and suddenly felt like I did when I was teaching. The kids always presumed, at least in the Title I schools that teachers were rich and that money was no object. In a sense, it was true. Transported back to my hometown of Lubbock, Texas by that comment, I thanked him but added that I’ve had to work really hard to get to where I am.
I shared with him about the winter when our gas and electricity was cut off. (Lubbock is colder than a witch’s tit or so the saying goes.) Fortunately, we had kind neighbors that let us run one of those long, orange extension cords from their house to our one bedroom to plug in an electric heater. I can’t even imagine every going back to that place and time, it still amazes me. He laughed in a way that said “I’m with you! I totally understand!”
Corey became more interested and asked about my first job. I told him that I was desperate to work so my mom “altered” my birth certificate so that I could get a work permit. (You had to be 15; I had just turned 14.) I loved my brown polyester Taco Bell uniform and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I had some control.
The neighbor I was expecting came by so I told her that I’d be over in a minute. Corey thanked me for the sale and appreciated the visit. I hoped that in that short “teachable moment” that he knew that as long as he continued to work and persevere, he would have a chance to change his own life.
I thank God for the opportunity to become humbled. Before he walked away, happy as a lark, I wished him well and said “God Bless.” By his response, I could tell that he had at least one God-fearing bone in his body and that a parent or grandparent was teaching him well. “Work hard and have faith,” I reminded him as he walked away.
“Thank you, ma’am!”

In only three questions?

2006-02-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You're such a card...

2006-02-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

You scored as Big Slick. You are the comrades in arms, best buddies Big Slick - Ace-King. Not prone to rash decisions, you are impeccable, recognize a good opportunity, but won't procede unless the conditions aren't just right and you have gathered all the evidence.

The Hammer

69%

Big Slick

69%

Pocket Kings

63%

Pocket Queens

56%

Pocket Aces

50%

What starting Hold 'Em hand are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Hey, I'm a Lesbian! (You know she is!)

2006-02-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

You are Peppermint Patty! Peppermint Patty is a pro on the baseball diamond, but in the classroom she's a D-minus all the way. Bold, brash and tomboyish, what she lacks in common sense she makes up for in sincerity. She's the only one who calls Charlie Brown "Chuck." Oblivious to much that goes on around her, for a long time she seemed unaware that the funny-looking kid who plays shortstop" was a beagle. She has trouble staying awake in class; most of her waking hours in the schoolroom are spent analyzing the probability patterns of true-false tests.

Which of the Peanuts Characters Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh you know these things are just for fun!

2006-01-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

The Natural Leader
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Where's the Stethoscope? & The Spirit is a Movin'

2006-01-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

Where's the Stethoscope?
I'm sad. My math boss was let go due to an "organizational restructure" this last Monday. Everyone on the reading team is freaking out even though our reading boss has reassured us that there will be plenty of work to be done until June at the earliest. C, the former math boss, went out to lunch with the former math team to pick our brains for his next move. C has more than enough offers for project management gigs but wants to be involved in K through 12 science education, a drastic career change. It reminded me that I'm still in my own state of flux; it's been less than a year since I've left teaching.
I have an interview next Tuesday for a project management-associate position with my current employer. It's kinda funny, when I read the job description it seems really great but when it comes to the actual interview or thinking about actually doing the job, I feel like I'm twelve years old again. Why am I so freaking insecure??
That's all I could think about today. C mentioned that he wanted to "follow his heart" which is indeed very noble. Half the time I'm not sure what my heart is saying. I think the thing I fear the most is the "learning curve". I want to get into corporate training but know that it will be a long road to get where I want to be. The corporate world is competitive and I feel old and tired. I'm not sure if I want to work around any more Gen Y-ers. (I just read a great article and am convinced that I now know why I don't like some of the people I work with. Yes, the 20-30'ish crowd. I grew up around Traditionalists and feel more like a Boomer than a Gen-X.) Gosh I sound like a whiny old hag!!

The Spirit is a Movin'
Okay, backtrack to my post of the female-pirate character. When I saw her image, I was transfixed. I felt the need to be as strong and sexy as she appears, my goal for age 40, January of 2007. I even have her on my desktop to keep me motivated. Well, in the process of sharing this with a friend, one of the nicer Gen-Y'ers from work pointed out that she is a character from a graphic novel called Magdalena. Looking her up, she is described as a "holy servant of the Catholic Church". Hellloooo?? McFly??? God has quite the gift of subtlety.
I've made a hundred and one excuses and have not gone to Mass since June. Maybe this is something else I should be working towards??? (I'm tempted to go out and find it. Oh great, cut to a scene of a haggard middle-aged mom in a comic shop, LMAO!)

Enough for now! Peace out!
Mon :-)

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

2006-01-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing fun ever happens on my birthday.
I'm gonna have a beer during the Steelers game.

TODAY IN ROTTEN HISTORY
We live in a slightly mad world...

1905 - Thousands of demonstrating Russian workers were fired on by Imperial army troops in St. Petersburg on what became known as "Red Sunday" or "Bloody Sunday". 96 people were killed, and over 300 were wounded. This incident marks the beginning of the so-called 1905 revolution.

1918 - Manitoba, Canada film censor board decides to ban comedies, on the grounds that they make audiences "too frivolous".

1949 - Red Communists enter Peking.

1951 - Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's baseball career is ended after he is thrown out of a winter league game, during the tryouts for the Washington Senators.

1957 - Mad Bomber captured.

1972 - In an interview with Melody Maker, musician David Bowie announces that he is gay. Actually he is bisexual, and his wife Angela did catch him in bed with Mick Jagger.

1973 - 176 people are killed in Kano, Nigeria when a Nigerian Airlines flight crashes on its way back from Mecca.

1987 - The State Treasurer of Pennsylvania, R. Budd Dwyer, proclaims his innocence to fraud charges at a crowded press conference (link is not what you think) and then pulls a gun out of an envelope and blows his brains out.

Captain, O Captain!

2006-01-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Reading a post by riverdriver reminded me of how much I miss Captain Picard.

Enjoy the Techno Trek!

Mon:-)

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 39??

2006-01-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I will not grow older gracefully... I will be dragged kicking and screaming expletives the whole way!
To backtrack a bit, I have never held a job, in one place, for more than 4 years. (Okay, so I taught for 10 years but it was at 5 different schools. We'll say my average is 2.) Change is a neccessity, routine is boring as hell. I've been "trapped" in education for over a decade (I was an admin assistant and substitute before committing to the classroom) and decided enough was enough. In college, I changed majors at least six times, I've had more than one husband, and always had a boy toy when I wasn't in a serious relationship. Committment is not one of my strengths. (In my defense, I will be celebrating my 4th anniversary on the 27th. I am very happy and lucky to have someone like my hubby! God bless America!!)
As I've mentioned in previous post, I'm satisfied with my new job. There are few things that I would change but not anything worth losing sleep over. The only problem is that I am "term of project" and production is slowing down. So in anticipation of a possible pink slip in the near future, I decided to update my resume and see if I could get a few bites. (In part, I also wanted to see if I was still marketable.)
So, in the last week I've had one job offer and four requests for interviews. (One company actually sent a message with their salary range and asked if I would come in if their offer was agreeable.) I did a lot of research on resume writing and made sure to avoid some of the usual pitfalls. My feeling now is that if or when that shoe drops, I can get back into the marketplace pretty quickly, thank God!
Of course, I have a way of complicating EVERYTHING! After I got the call with the offer (pretty much what I'm earning now plus bonuses) I decided to look over the contract with my current employer. It was one of those intuition things. When in doubt, my gut feeling has more times than not saved my arse. And there it was... the "clause". Basically, I'm forbidden to work for a competitor for at least a year after termination of contract. Ironically, I was at our company's winter conference that morning. The number one tenet pointed out by the president as to the reason for our company's success? Doing the right thing every day. (This is paraphrased due to my need for secrecy.) In the realm of morality, I would be a "traitor" if I took the offer. It bothered me that anyone would think of me in that way. Then the self-serving monster reared its fugly head. If I were to take the offer, I would lose out on my 2005 bonus to be distributed at the beginning of March. Ironically, it was announced at this particular meeting that we met our expectations and would all qualify for 18.9%... of our salary. I would be an idiot to leave before that was doled out!
(BTW, why is every other airing of Jimmy Kimmel a freakin' rerun. It's not like he's a Carson or Letterman.)
I have always had the stong belief that everything happens for a reason. In the last few days that I have been dreading #39, I have made a few decisions:
1. I will stick it out where I am now. I'm not desperate for a new job.
2. I will not compromise my reputation in reaction to my insecurities. My flakiness is bad enough.
3. Most important, even if the Steelers lose on my birthday, I will live to see another birthday. As a matter of fact, I want to be a female pirate by this time next year. I'll have to go easy on the wine and cake if I want to get into those leather pants and bustier.

Argh,
Mon:-) aka Bloody Morgan

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

2006-01-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of quick jokes...

Why couldn't the young pirate get into the movie?
It was rated ARRGH!

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices something strange in the pirate's britches. The bartender asks, "Is that a ship's wheel in your pants?"
"Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My pirate name is:

Bloody Morgan Kidd

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

The reasons I'll be the greeter/hostess in purgatory...

2006-01-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

A Better Kind of Exhaustion

2005-12-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Since I've started this blog, I've been trying to create at least one entry per week. The truth is that I'm totally exhausted. Without getting into too much detail, I've had two sick children this week, double workload and deadlines at the office, Christmas preparations (I've baked banana nut bread, pumpkin cranberry bread, sugar cookies, and a cheesecake all in one week), and trying to clean/organize this small apartment.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is a very 50/50 kind of guy. I load the dishwasher, he unloads it. I start the laundry, he folds it but I never put it away! Rather than sending the kids to daycare on Monday and Tuesday, they stay at home with him on his days off. Plus he's managed to move some things around and into storage to make better use of our space or lack of it.

I have next 10 days or so off. This may sound silly but I fear not feeling rested at the end of my vacation. Remembering this time last year, I was in a deep depression. Being a math teacher at a particular Catholic middle school, I could not see myself going back in January without having some sort of mental breakdown. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the fact that I spent my days dishing out discipline, grading algebra tests, and dealing with the hormone-driven masses. As a matter of fact, I really, REALLY miss my kids. Never a day went by that I didn't want to pull my hair out or give 'em a big hug or laugh with or on occassion chuckle at them. The problem was the "particular Catholic school".

I would be a hypocrite if I said that I was a devout Catholic. I have not been to Mass since our move in June and I feel even worse when my 5-yr-old reminds us that Sunday is the day we go to church. She's the one that reminds us to say grace at meals and helps the 3-yr-old with their prayers at night.

When I began my stint at St. Thomas Aquinas, I was not a practicing Catholic although I had been raised to be so by my maternal grandparents. (I lived with them on and off during my elementary school years; more on that in another post.) Fortuneately, I was surrounded by a few teachers who soon became friends and helped me grow spiritually. Before I knew it, I was attending Mass on the average of 3 to 4 times a week, going to reconciliation on a regular basis, and Adoration on occassion. I was also a member of the parish liturgical chorus and a cantor/musician at school masses. Without a doubt in my heart, music is what gave me the most pleasure and intimacy at Mass. I especially felt appreciated when a parent or fellow teacher would thank me for adding to the service with my playing or singing. As a matter of fact, a friend once told me that I seemed the most calm and serene when I was doing so. Many times my heart aches that I am not a part of that anymore.

When I applied to STA, I was excited just to get an interview. This was the first Catholic school to open in New Mexico in decades and there were lots of expectations that went with it. So many that they appealled to a convent in New Jersey to appoint some of the nuns to ensure the success of the new school. The first principal was there for three years before she was appointed to Superindentent of the Archdiocese. During her administration, things were run efficiently and she trusted the input of her experienced staff members. For the most part, I felt supported and appreciated.

As with some private institutions, parents can become an issue. There is always a fine line; how much say should they really have? After all, not only were they paying over $3,000 a year in tuition but some families had anywhere from 2 to 4 children enrolled at one time. On the other hand, a school is run, or should be run, by professional educators. Shouldn't credentialing and experience be enough for parents to have faith in the people they they rely on to educate their children?

Without turning this into a novel, the next principal (another NJ nun) had a weaker spine and a greater need of control, students and teachers included. (The teachers that were in her good graces were the ones that would have the sisters over for dinner on Saturday evening, give them their perms and trims, or take them shopping at the mall. Yes, the mall.) Many of these teachers were also the ones that were not "properly" credentialed. One kindergarten teacher was "given" her Level II licensing (for 3 or more years experience plus other prerequisites) her first year of teaching. There were at least 10 teachers "on waiver" that had no business teaching: little or no experience in methods, pedagogy, curriculum, etc. One of these new "teachers" was given 5 years credit for previous experience and of course her pay reflected this as well.

Being that I wasn't part of the "inner sanctum", my life at school along with a few of my friends was literally a living hell... but I was a DAMN good teacher. (This was verified by the fact that the new math teacher made the comment that he 'had never seen a group of kids so prepared for high school than these 8th graders'.) In the last year there, I received some of the most un-Christian letters that I have ever received in my life. I'll have to scan and post them sometime.

One parent referred to me as the most inept teacher she had ever heard of. (She didn't like the fact that I was wasting their time and money by having the students create blueprints to spec and researching/building kites as part of our geometry unit; the highest grade you could get if the kite didn't fly was a B. Gee, I'm so 18th century.) By the way, her daugher is "gifted"; so gifted that she hadn't completed her project and threw together a kite made with drinking straws and Christmas wrapping paper. It was doomed from the start. One group of "troublemakers" made the best damned box kite I have ever seen; they decorated it with Chinese symbols that represented their names. That puppy took off in less than 10 seconds and flew the hightest.

I wish I could go back and tell that @sshole that I'm so inept that I'm now an instructional designer for one of the largest educational software companies in the US. That's why I'm so exhausted; major production deadlines, blah, blah, blah. But this year the exhaustion feels different. Eventually, I will get back on track spiritually and have more new friends; I get so lonely sometimes and I miss them immensely! I've doubled my pay and my 5-yr-old is in a school worthy of respect; they just earned an excellence in education award. (Her teacher is awe-inspiring, phenominal! I'd love to teach with people like that again. They are so amazing to watch and I always learn something new about myself and my own teaching.)

By the way, the pumpkin bread was for my boss and co-workers who truly deserve it, they are a great bunch of hardworking and creative people. Mrs. V, the kindergarten teacher, used the sugar cookies to do another great lesson with the kids plus they got to eat them afterwards. My neighbors and my husband enjoyed the cheesecake. I spent last Christmas vacation putting out resumes which led to the job I have today. I don't think I'll need to do that this year. What a difference a year makes.

May the holidays bring you an abundance of peace and blessings to last you throughout the new year!

An open letter to Karen...

2005-12-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Karen,
It's been a long week and I missed you! Hearing about the croissant incident reminded me of the idea of "intuitive" eating. (Check out the brief article at http://www.barbarabirsinger.com/documents/ARGUSArticleJan98-short.pdf)

It makes a lot of sense to me... My girls, 3 and 5, have always seemed to be "picky" eaters to me. I've finally figured out that much of the fighting at the dining room table was caused by my ignorance; I cannot make them eat if they are not hungry. They are allowed to eat if they ask for something in the middle of the day, usually fruit or a PBJ sandwich. The only time of the year that's really hard is the holiday season. They've been "exposed" to Halloween candy, pumpkin pie, and Christmas cookies. I figure it's okay since they eat pretty well the rest of the year.

I usually feel very conscious of the fact that they are both "rail thin". I credit it to the fact that the only beverages they drink are milk and water, no 'fruit' juices or sodas (maybe juice once a day) and we shy away from fast food. We're always stocked up on apples and bananas, yogurt, string cheese, healthy snacks. But they know what's "good" - they love any type of meat or veggie with a sauce, i.e. stir fry with oyster sauce, chicken parmesian, creamed peas, chicken marsala, etc. (Please watch "Super Size Me" if you haven't already.) I worry that people will think that we starve our kids. I don't know if other people do this but they always get some kind of treat before bed, usually a cookie and more milk or a scoop of ice cream. It's funny, my older daughter will only eat half of a cookie and the younger will only eat a couple of bites of ice cream and lets the rest of it melt in her bowl.

Maybe because we don't totally cut out sweets and allow in moderation??

Growing up, I lived with a woman who had the unhealthiest of lifestyles. My mom went through the pot phase in the 70's, alcohol in the 80's, and painkillers in the 90's. Being only 5'2", I know that the 200+ lbs. that she carries, compounded by emotional baggage, cigarette smoking, and living with diabetes hasn't been easy considering her former habits.
My sister is also heavy; she drinks occasionally and smokes as well. My brother, the youngest, is a carbon copy of the other two. (They actually all live together still; it's a bizarre co-dependent situation I'll write about someday.)

So how did I end up staying within my own normal weight range? I LOVE food. Marrying an Italian was a bonus for me; I can now make a mean marinara, forgeddabout that Preggo/Ragu crap! My masterpiece? A killer chocolate Kahlua cheesecake. (I only allow myself to make it once a year; I coerce my husband by telling him it's either cheesecake or sex. Sex once a year would really suck!)

For me, it's this unnerving fear of being "just like my mom". I was always embarrased by her growing up and still am sometimes. (It bothers me when relatives point out that we look alike. My 5 yr. old is a dead ringer for me; she'll probably hate me too.)

This fear is what drives me to diet/fast when I start to get 10-15 lbs. above normal. But it's also the same fear that drove me to graduate from high school and go on to college. (My mom got pregnant her senior year in high school but eventually got her GED. My brother and sister didn't even get that far. Miguel would have been an outstanding physicist or mathematician, fucking loser! I'd kill to have brains like his. Fucking alcoholic.)

This is the same fear that made me weak and choose abortion more than once... totally against my beliefs but I could not bear bringing kids into the world that would loathe me as I do my own mother sometimes.

This was the fear that I felt when my step-father ritually abused me. I could never ever allow myself to be "controlled" by another person; I had to control others, especially myself.

I've gone through my self-destructive phases more than once in my life. The common denominator was the lack of moderation: too much sex, booze, dependency on others (relationship addictions), whatever.

I've decided that in those scary moments there was always some kind of FEAR driving me further into an abyss. It was only after I understood WHY I overindulged that I could control it. I have great monogamous sex with my husband, a glass of wine with dinner or an occasional nightcap, and I let my hubby wear the pants at least 50% of the time, tee hee.

You had a croissant and you enjoyed it. (God, I'd KILL to have an AJ's chocolate or marzipan croissant EVERY DAY!) You're supposed to enjoy it's deceptive lightness and buttery flakiness. I would be distrustful of others who don't take the time to enjoy God's bounty. (He created chocolate truffles on the 1st day to get him through the rest of the week, likewise with toasted almond mistos.)

Enjoy what you want in moderation. I have friends that tell me I'm crazy. I eat whatever I want BUT in very small portions. For example, we went to Cold Stone the other night to celebrate my daughter's first kindergarten performance. I bought a pint of cheesecake with graham crackers and chocolate, my husband got the Monkey Bites. I got home, put on my jammies, and make myself very comfortable. Pint in hand, I ate slowly; almost erotic, huh? I made sure to take note of the taste and creaminess. I loved the ocassional crunchiness of the graham cracker mix-in and chocolate ribbon. After about 5 bites, into the freezer it went. (I can make a pint last a few days. My husband thinks I'm insane.)

The point is, you and I deserve to enjoy food. All of us do. What a simple pleasure to find the perfect juicy pear or the right combination of sweet and salty when the craving hits us. When I tell people about my version of moderation (like the two bites of a Krispy Kreme instead of the whole thing), "Oh I just don't have the willpower. That's like torture. I'd want the whole thing."

I think about the reward instead. My senses of taste and smell are fulfilled and there is no guilt for allowing myself to indulge in a small way.

Which is worse, the pangs of deprevation or the guilt of overdoing? I say moderation cancels them both out!

Know that I'm here rooting for you! Take care!

Hugs,
Mon :-)

To Tell the Truth...

2005-12-05T23:02:00.002-07:00

In the last week or so, I've had the most bizarre dreams. Always juxaposed against the setting of my adolescent years, my husband (S), high school sweetheart (B), or ex-husband (J) appear; either one at a time or together is some form or fashion. (In one dream, I was pissed that S and B were getting ready to go to a concert and I was grounded. I think I was more pissed that S got along better with B more than I ever did. Look that one up.) For some reason my brain is feeling the need to regurgitate much of this. Any insights would be appreciated.
I mentioned my outing with a new friend from work. One of the things we talked about was the complexity of dysfunctional relationships. I don't want to get into my family's issues but I guarantee that will be a long entry.
One of the hardest things I've had to face is my insecurity of appearing less than perfect to the people I love. After years of therapy, I've gotten much better but still fall into that old way of thinking sometimes.
I was pretty young when I met my ex-husband J. At that point in my life, I was juggling work, college, and a very active social life, especially the drinking. We met through a mutual friend, actually the friend of the aforementioned B.
J was from a traditional/dysfunctional family. (Both parents at home but driving each other nuts.) His dad was from Mexico, hard working man, and his mother was a pretty, stay-at-home mom and grandmother. I loved my visits with them. Although they had their problems, it was more of a family than I ever had; I especially loved the nieces and nephews and looked forward to the day that we'd have our own children.
I've never gotten the real reasons pinned down, it's been so long or it could just be good, old-fashioned denial.
In brief, we dated on and off and lived together for a total of five years. Then the turning point came with our decision to get married. (I wanted to get married in the Catholic church but he refused. That should have been the first sign.)
Getting married was probably the last thing that should have been on my mind. I was finally getting help for PTSD and doing well careerwise. I was under the goofball impression that if we sealed the deal that it would enhance the relationship. In the five years that we dated/cohabitated, we went through a few breakups but they always ended the same way. J was passive-agressive. Whenever I was on my way out the door, it was always a bunch of crap:
"You'll ruin my family and the rest of my life. My (insert seasonal holiday here) will never be the same if you leave."
"You're going crazy and don't know what you're doing." (Taking advantage of my past.)
"You really love me and are trying to sabotage your own life."
After almost ten years of emotional blackmail, I figured out the one thing that would keep him from wanting me to stay.
Having an affair was not the proudest moment nor the bravest in my life. I had convinced myself that I loved this man and I actually left my job and moved to another state with him.
At least I didn't have to deal with J's pleading for me to come back.
It hurts my heart to know that I took the coward's way out. I'd like to call or write and ask for forgiveness but there was so much bitterness left in Texas.
I had made the right decision (to leave) but did it in a destructive way; I hurt a lot of people and ruined my reputation. Honesty can be so hard. Even when I had told J that I didn't love him, his refusal to deal with the truth influenced me to take drastic measures.
I'm older and wiser now; it seems like a whole other lifetime. I'm happily married with two beautiful daughters. It's funny because I've read a lot of stats that state that infidelity is habitual. I have no desire to "meet other people". I honestly love my husband with all of my heart and it feels so wonderfully real and genuine.
And there is room for honesty. I can be imperfect most of the time and its finally okay. S has a way of lightening even the toughest of situations and giving me a soft place to lay. In the six years that we've been together, we've only had a couple of arguments. Don't get me wrong, we have lots of disagreements but I've found that dealing with them for what they are, we've been able to work through them.
I think back and find that in my relationship with J, I wasn't who I was supposed to be. One time a friend from work came over and met him.
C: Can I tell you something? Promise you won't take it the wrong way?
Me: Sure.
C: I never would have guessed that you were married to someone like J. You guys don't match.
Me: Wow. Is it that obvious?
C: You don't act like yourself around him either. You're much funnier at work.
Now I had always felt that when it came to intellectual issues, we were great. But I didn't "crave" him. My heart never leapt. I just relied on the belief that you should be friends before lovers. But sometimes even that's not enough.
I am grateful that C was brave enough to be honest with me; I left J about two months after that. It really got me to thinking about how I was living my life and if I was really being honest with the most important person, myself.
I'm grateful that I took a chance and ended up in another state; that's how I met S and now have a pretty decent life.
I'm grateful for blogs; maybe someone will read this and try some self-honesty. Know what you want and do it. Be honest with others and let them know what you really feel; take responsibility for consequences and be courageous to do what is right for you in the right way.

Peace and blessings,
Mon :-)

Feeling Disconnected

2005-12-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have not surfed the net from home in almost a week. Why? Because I'm lazy. If you think this sounds kind of stupid, that's because it is! I have a laptop and a little computer/sit at the sofa type set up so I can surf while I watch whatever crap is on t.v. Does that count as multi-tasking if I'm not accomplishing anything twice??
So I just started getting a stupid message "no or little connectivity" but I'm still getting a signal from our wireless network. I went into "Options" and started screwing around with a bunch of stuff. I know just enough to be dangerous. In short, I can't use my laptop for surfing and I don't feel like whining to my hubby to fix it. (I'm sitting at the computer desk to do this and missing SpongeBob. What a horrible tragedy.)
Reading one of my fave blogs, http://cuttingthroughthefat.blogspot.com/, I realized that I'm addicted as well. As long as I surf/veg in front of the t.v., I can just exist in a shallow haze. Only getting up when necessary... to give the kids a bath, get them tucked in, load the dishwasher, and to re-fold the occassional load of laundry. (But I don't put it away, see a previous post.)
When I was at my former school back in NM, I was it! The kids loved my math class. I was the friend that always had something witty to say. I could be counted on to brainstorm some new idea and get it rolling. When we needed a cantor or musician for Mass, I could step in effortlessly. I was the trendsetter... a new haircut or suit would cause a "stir" and others followed. In other words, I was "popular"... Yuck, it sounds SO high school.
Now, I'm "not as popular"... Maybe that's why I'm feeling so old and fat. Most of the people I work with are 10 years younger, a bunch of brilliant hipsters with their cute, short multi-colored haircuts and multiple piercings. Most are unmarried with no children. They go out for happy hours, movies on a whim, mornings at the gym, and weekend trips to Vegas and San Diego. Most of the time, I feel very insecure when I'm at work.
It would be silly of me to think that they don't have their own insecurities or hang ups. There might even be a few that envy my stable, mostly happy homelife and family.
There's a gal that I work with, J, and she is a single mom. I've had the opportunity to get to know her and she's a very sweet person.
Now here's the bad part, I'm presumptuous and arrogant. J invited me and the kids to go to a "Christmas on Main Street" outing on Friday evening. I said sure but in the back of my mind I thought what in the world would we ever have in common. I'm very outgoing and like meeting new people but for some reason, I was feeling "old" and insecure again. I also thought that because she was a single mom that I shouldn't talk about my marriage or family at the risk of sounding like I was bragging. In a nutshell, I was very screwed up in the head!
As I am apt to do, when I'm feeling insecure about a situation, I tend to bow out. Trying to decide what excuse to give J before cancelling, my cell rang. OMG, J was calling to cancel. Now I know what it felt like when I had given others a rain check. I told her that it was okay and that we'd go out another time. In a way, I felt relieved but would now have to explain to the kids that our plans fell through.
A few minutes later, J called back to say that her situation had righted itself and that we could still meet if I wanted. Feeling a bit humbled, I decided that going out and doing something would be much better than vegging out at home another Friday night.
Late in the evening, we ended up at a fast food/playground after the nice stroll among the Christmas music and lights in the brisk night air. As the kids played, we talked about our past and present situations and came to realize that we had a lot in common.
Thinking back on last night, I now know that many times I'm my own worst enemy. I'm so afraid to come out of myself that I miss out on getting to know others and see new things. J is a confident, intelligent young woman and mother with goals and dreams. This only proved that being a mom whose husband works nights and no sitter is not my problem. I spend so much time blaming my situation that I've lost sight of what's really wrong. I'm fixated on myself and how I measure up to others. I'm afraid to go out and live a life, mistakes and heartbreaks included. I need to get off of my arse to make things happen.
In closing, I think back to my own mom. (I'll do other blogs about my strange childhood some other time.) Poor woman suffered from major depression, something that I never understood until I was much older and being treated for my own. When she wasn't working, she was always asleep. I would get so pissed off about not going anywhere or doing anything, just being stuck at home. (That's how I became a decent violinist, nothing else better to do!) I guess I'm just repeating the cycle. How many times in the mind of my 5 year old daughter has she thought "Mom! Get off of that stupid computer and love me! Do something with me; laugh and sing with me, now!!"
I'm grateful that J called me back and that I have a new friend. I'm grateful that I put my girls in the bath and that we are going to get out of the house later. I'm also grateful that God has given us a new day for me to try again and maybe get it right this time.

Peace and blessings,
Mon :-)

Fending Off Divorce or Why I Should Quit the Clutter

2005-11-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally have a load of laundry in the machine, the kids are fed and the dishwasher is loaded. Woohoo, what an exciting life I lead. (Said in a Ben Stein monotone.)
People are always facinated when I tell them that I met my husband on the Internet. That will be another entry whenever I get the inspiration to write about it.
Before S. and I met, he was a responsible, single-guy musician drummer in a roommate situation. His last set of roommates were nice enough guys but one of them had cats and wasn't too keen on picking up after them. Unfortuneately, we were ususally relagated to making out or watching movies in his bedroom; just enough space for a full-sized futon/bed and a 35" t.v. His previous situation ended because his roommate and her boyfriend moved in together. Yes, his roommate was a female. At first it struck me as kind of weird but in all things, I try to be open-minded. After getting to know D., even if there had been a "tryst" it never would have worked. I asked S. how he and D. came to be roommates and he admitted that he preferred female to male roommates as they are much neater.
One of the first things my mom asked S. when we went to CA for our first visit together: Are there still piles of clothes on the floor and in the closet? The look he gave said it all. In all honesty, I can let the dishes pile up but no more than a couple days in a worst-case scenario. (I'm the type of person that must wipe counters down when I do dishes otherwise it feels half-arsed.) I manage to do a good once over in the bathrooms at least once a month (I prefer every other week) and I always wear clean underwear. Its the "clothes" things that gets me in trouble. I can separate it, wash, dry and fold it but it stops there. I don't know why and it feels like a disorder, quite the opposite of OCCD.
The other problem is "horizontal" areas. Any flat surface become a breeding ground for mail, magazines, my daughter's school work, etc. I'm being suffocated by the clutter!!! I feel so overwhelmed and don't know where to begin.
God bless his soul, my husband is not a perfectionist but hates a messy house. We've been together over five years and he's still around. Maybe the oral sex??
We moved to AZ this past June; going from a 2,700 sq. ft. house to a 2 bedroom apartment is hell! I hate stuff! I feel like chunking everything, let the dumpster have it.
I saw this great Oprah about how some people are so attached to stuff that they don't even throw their garbage away. That's pretty extreme but I'm close enough. Thank God I throw out my garbage, that could be a problem.
So I'm seriously considering the following:
1. Cleaning out my closet. I love my clothes but I hate the space they take up.
2. Not putting up a Christmas tree. Too much space, need to find another option.
3. Secreting out some of the kids' toys. Damn McD's and their Happy Meals!
I know that it's crazy to think that doing these three things will change my life but maybe it'll put us all in a better mood... and save my marriage!

Peace and blessings!

Losing My "Blog-ginity"

2005-11-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this, you probably didn't have the usual Thanksgiving-fest family obligations. Why would anyone be up this late on a Thursday nite, with "Blind Date" in the background and previous surfs to The Killers and Morningwood? That's what I'm trying to figure out. If you know, please fill me in.
My husband works nites so we decided to postpone turkey and pumpkin pie until Sunday. It's just us and our two daughters, 3 and 5, so it's not really a big to-do. Still debating between stuffed turkey breast or "game hens". (I love to be adventureous in the kitchen but don't know if I have the energy to go that far.)
Anyway, I'm feeling old right now and wanted to bitch and whine. A friend at work was telling me about a blog that she regularly posts to and it piqued my interest. I love debate and hearing the other side; I wish I were more of a trouble maker! I figured there are people out there that will hate or agree with me. Either way, it's got to be a lot better than trying to figure out why I'm now sitting through "Access Hollywood" and letting my brain rot.
I feel so scattered. Sometimes motherhood/wifehood sucks but on the other hand, I have a great husband and wonderful kids... so why am I so bummed? That's when I decided that this is probably what "mid-life angst" feels like.
Per Thanksgiving obligation, I'll list my blessings:
I'm relatively healthy. (Aside from the recent miscarriage, month long sinus infection, and perimenopausal status, I can't complain.) I made a successful transition from teaching (a 10-year veteran) to the corporate world and managed to double my income in the process. My family and my in-laws are loving and supportive people. I have a few close friends although they are now out-of-state due to our recent relocation. Seasonal depression?? (I love my Zoloft!)
As I try to sort out this life of mine, I hope that I will meet friends along the way and possibly inspire others to look a little more closely at what's good and what's working in their own lives.
If you want to give me a quick kick in the butt, please feel free to post. If you know of other interesting blogs, mid-lifers in particular, please fill me in!

Peace and blessings!